Just wanted to voice my thoughts

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by who95, Nov 12, 2013.

  1. who95

    who95 New Member

    So, I just registered here. I think it might make me feel better if I write down what I've been going through for the past few years.

    I can't remember ever being typically happy. For as long as I can remember I've been going through life, surviving, but not happy. Maybe not depressed for a lot of it, but not happy. As I went through my teens I began feeling worse and worse, however. I have always felt lonely. I isolate myself from people around me and being with people can sometimes make me feel even worse rather than better. I've had friends throughout my life but rarely ones I would consider being especially close to. I was very close to one who moved away when I was 8 or 9 or so, but since then any friends I've had haven't felt like more than acquaintances. People who I get along with, people who I spend time with, people who I'd consider a 'friend', but nobody who I could ever feel I could turn to, or truly trust, or really have a meaningful relationship with. I've always felt like my presence makes little to no difference, and that nobody beyond my family would truly care if anything happened to me.

    I spend the vast majority of my time doing nothing. I keep myself on my laptop and avoid contact with people. This just feeds into my loneliness, but in a way, being with a large group of people can make me feel even worse. When I see people being happy and talkative, I frequently feel like I am only present physically. I struggle to be a part of anything, and don't think anyone would notice if I wasn't there. This sort of social 'interaction' can make me feel more lonely than just being by myself. Sometimes, and increasingly so recently, even so much as hearing other people speak makes me feel like crap. I don't particularly know why. I think that may be one of the reasons why I tend to avoid contact with people. I mean, I can make conversation, and I can be part of a group, but when I don't I feel far worse about it than I should.

    This social stupidity is also a part of my almost nonexistent self esteem. I feel utterly worthless the majority of the time. I've always been useless at sports and useless at social interaction, always being the quiet kid who hides in the corner. All I've ever really had is intelligence, and the further I've progressed in education the more I've realised I'm not especially bright at all. I seem to be struggling more and more over increasingly simply things whilst everyone else seems to do just fine. I just started uni a few months ago and whilst I can rationally see that the work is simple, I just can't seem to do it anymore. I find it increasingly hard to concentrate and I have far less interest in my chosen topic, physics, than I used to. This, of course, further destroys any sense of self worth I have left after years of feeling worthless. I've reinforced this feeling of worthlessness throughout my life, almost entirely out of my own doing. It's only recently when it's come from other people. About a week ago my uni flatmates told me about their living arrangement for next year. I wasn't with them. They quite explicitly don't want me there. Out of the four of us (as well as other people from different flats) I'm the only one not included. This doesn't surprise me, and I don't blame them at all. I wouldn't want to live with me either. But it reinforces what I already knew about myself. That I'm dull. I'm a chore to be around. That I dampen the mood of whatever room I am in. That people just don't particularly care about me.

    I seem to have most of the physical symptoms associated with depression. I'm constantly very tired, no matter how much sleep I get, I constantly have aches and pains, etc. I've taken many online depression tests and always score in the 'moderately depressed' category but I've never done anything about it. When I read wh

    For years now, life has felt like I'm just going through the motions, trying to keep myself sane and occupied whilst rarely feeling truly fulfilled or happy. I feel empty or sad. I've been wasting years, years that you always hear should be the best of your life, doing little more than existing. I can have moments of happiness, but then are increasingly followed by an peculiar sense of guilt, almost as if I don't feel like I 'deserve' to be happy for some reason. On most days, I'd just feel apathetic about life or death. Whilst I may not have explicitly though than I wanted to die, I was very aware of the fact that I didn't particularly want to live either. As I got older, however, apathy turned into a real sense of wanting to end my life. These days, I find myself thinking in my head that I want to die whilst barely even realising it. Wanting death has become a habit, the go-to response for tiny, meaningless events. And as time goes on, this feeling and intensity just gets worse and worse.

    I've never attempted suicide, but I feel the urge to very frequently. Recently I've been googling suicide methods. I've prepared to hang myself, in a way rather haphazardly, making a noose that would never actually work and staring at places I could hang myself from. I put the noose around my neck, stand on a chair, stare at a place to hang myself from, but I know I'm not going to go through with anything. I've done this twice now and I don't really know what I'm trying to achieve with it. I think, in a way, facing death comforts me and makes me realise I'm not truly at a stage of suicide. Not yet, anyway. A few days ago I was doing a uni organised 15 hour bar crawl. It started at around half 10:30, and by only about 19:30 I was just starting to feel really awful. I thought that drinking more would maybe make me feel better, but it of course just made everything much worse. For about half an hour or so I was just sitting down at a table, head in my hands, almost completely immobile. Maybe for half an hour or so. It was time to move on, but I stayed. I eventually got up, no idea where anyone was now, and started walking through the city center. Looking at passing cars and thinking about running into them. This urge just got greater and greater until I was standing completely still, muttering loudly to myself like a madman, not even sure if anyone was around. I kept telling myself than I'd run into the next car that came down to road. I think, with a little more courage, and maybe a little more alcohol, I could have done it that night. Of course, I didn't. I yelled 'coward' to myself, again with no real knowledge if anyone else was there, hating myself more than ever, and went back to my flat.

    Sorry for the length of this post. I fully understand that my issues are nothing compared to the majority of people here (despite this post being longer than the vast majority of others), and, compared to most, I should frankly count myself lucky. I've never faced a loss, am under no immediate financial or medical threat, and just generally have no reason to feel like I do. This just feeds into my guilt. I seem to have most of the physical symptoms associated with depression. I'm constantly very tired, no matter how much sleep I get, I constantly have aches and pains, etc. I've taken many online depression tests and always score in the 'moderately depressed' category but I've never done anything about it. A large reason for this is because I accept that compared to most people here, I truly have nothing to complain about. I don't rate my feelings worthy enough to seek help for them. I mean, I see people here talking about how they've attempted suicide 50 times. And I write stuff like this? Anyway, I'm don't particularly expect anyone to read this. I just felt the need to lay down what I've been feeling for so long and possibly give anyone in the right mood the chance to read it. It just feels therapeutic. Thanks to anyone who has spent their time reading this trivial rubbish. Again, I understand that compared to most people here, I really should just be quiet.
  2. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    Perhaps it would be worth considering at least having a chat with a doctor as a starting point. Online tests can be flawed in many ways - self-diagnosis can miss other signs that a doc may see, and is not worth the hassle of potentially screwing things up more.

    I can relate very vividly to a few things you've said - most notably


    Apart from the uni side of things - and physics being the chosen topic (mine would be music and I never went to uni) - I can appreciate and understand the issue that being around talkative, happy people, can feel a lot worse. Particularly if a group decides to do something that doesn't involve you. It's happened to me and I hated when I found out after it happened - never mind at least finding out before. But it shows just how bad some people can be towards each other.

    No-one's issues are "nothing" - so others may have had different experiences that you haven't - it doesn't make your issues any less important. Self isolation can be dangerous - but alcohol will never solve anything. It puts a mask on and the effects, especially of the come down (it is a depressant), can be devastating.

    I'd like to finish with the re-iteration that you could try to seek help from a doc or therapist at least. Writing it down helped? Talking could do the same.