I am feeling better today. I still have my plan in place, letters ready to be mailed, my will is taken care of, and I have given power of attorney to my wife. Everything is finally ready. I feel better today though. I don't know why just calm, at peace. Not suicidal, not ready to scatter my grey matter on the wall. Just serine. Maybe its the thought of letting go. I was so angry at myself for feeling this way for so long. Feeling like I made there live worse just from being alive. Maybe I can stay like this. Keep everything the way it is right now. I'm not sure if it would work, but its worth a try.