I just took a long road trip out to New York which surprisingly had a lot more ups and downs than I expected. Usually my vacations are nothing but enjoyable, but this one had a lot of moments where I just wanted to get away and be back home by myself. I didn't know if it would come up in conversation or not with my friend. We spent a lot of time together in the car with just the two of us and I've really been helping him with a tough part of his life lately. I thought at some point I might really open up to him about how severely depressed I've been, but it didn't happen. I went through some severe moments of anxiety and I could tell that he could see it. He didn't say anything about them and I didn't bring them up. For the past week, I've gone to bed in different places and at odd times and all the time, my mind just races with thoughts of killing myself and how completely and utterly alone I've been for quite some time. I feel like that's never going to change either. Today was my first full day back at home and I told myself I was going to get so much accomplished and I didn't. I sat at the computer all day long and did nothing. Currently, I live in a temporary home out in a pretty rural place with no friends or family close by and the few people I've met, I haven't connected with nor had the energy to even attempt at connecting with them. The days last so long here. I feel like I'm just sitting and waiting to die. Pretty much the only thing that helps is drinking. I've actually mentioned to some friends about my depression and they've said a few encouraging words, but I haven't really told them the extent of my depression or that I go back and forth between contemplating suicide and being somewhat stable. Most of them just say things like "get over it" or "you just need to meet some new people" and blah blah blah. I can't say I blame them. Even when people say those things, they truly mean well and I know that. I know they care about me. I just don't think they've faced depression like I have. To them, coming out of depression is as easy as just changing your mindset. It's an illness. It really is. I know that now so well. I hate myself so much right now. I feel so unmotivated to do anything. My insurance did go through but it's for a different state and so I have to wait until a vacation break or something. I really, really don't mean to sound arrogant at all when I say this but I don't think my friends are as good at listening as I am. For as much comforting and support that I've given people, for as good a friend as I feel I've been, there doesn't seem to be much to show for it in reciprocation. I guess I'm partly to blame for that as well by keeping so much of my feelings buried deep down behind the placid facade of sanity. I feel so worthless. I don't want to put my friends and family through it so I keep it all inside. I don't want that awkwardness and social stigma like you get with someone who's an alcoholic, the kind where everybody is nervous to talk about it or mention it. I feel so fucking alone. SF helps me, as it's helping me now, to get some things out there, but I don't have a confidante in any of this and it irritates me. No one wants to listen to me bitch and bitch and bitch about my life and its bullshit problems. Good lord am I sick of being alive.