Just went on vacation, returned feeling worse than ever

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by DrNick1010, Sep 25, 2012.

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  1. DrNick1010

    DrNick1010 Well-Known Member

    I just took a long road trip out to New York which surprisingly had a lot more ups and downs than I expected. Usually my vacations are nothing but enjoyable, but this one had a lot of moments where I just wanted to get away and be back home by myself. I didn't know if it would come up in conversation or not with my friend. We spent a lot of time together in the car with just the two of us and I've really been helping him with a tough part of his life lately. I thought at some point I might really open up to him about how severely depressed I've been, but it didn't happen. I went through some severe moments of anxiety and I could tell that he could see it. He didn't say anything about them and I didn't bring them up. For the past week, I've gone to bed in different places and at odd times and all the time, my mind just races with thoughts of killing myself and how completely and utterly alone I've been for quite some time. I feel like that's never going to change either. Today was my first full day back at home and I told myself I was going to get so much accomplished and I didn't. I sat at the computer all day long and did nothing. Currently, I live in a temporary home out in a pretty rural place with no friends or family close by and the few people I've met, I haven't connected with nor had the energy to even attempt at connecting with them. The days last so long here. I feel like I'm just sitting and waiting to die. Pretty much the only thing that helps is drinking. I've actually mentioned to some friends about my depression and they've said a few encouraging words, but I haven't really told them the extent of my depression or that I go back and forth between contemplating suicide and being somewhat stable. Most of them just say things like "get over it" or "you just need to meet some new people" and blah blah blah. I can't say I blame them. Even when people say those things, they truly mean well and I know that. I know they care about me. I just don't think they've faced depression like I have. To them, coming out of depression is as easy as just changing your mindset. It's an illness. It really is. I know that now so well. I hate myself so much right now. I feel so unmotivated to do anything. My insurance did go through but it's for a different state and so I have to wait until a vacation break or something. I really, really don't mean to sound arrogant at all when I say this but I don't think my friends are as good at listening as I am. For as much comforting and support that I've given people, for as good a friend as I feel I've been, there doesn't seem to be much to show for it in reciprocation. I guess I'm partly to blame for that as well by keeping so much of my feelings buried deep down behind the placid facade of sanity. I feel so worthless. I don't want to put my friends and family through it so I keep it all inside. I don't want that awkwardness and social stigma like you get with someone who's an alcoholic, the kind where everybody is nervous to talk about it or mention it. I feel so fucking alone. SF helps me, as it's helping me now, to get some things out there, but I don't have a confidante in any of this and it irritates me. No one wants to listen to me bitch and bitch and bitch about my life and its bullshit problems. Good lord am I sick of being alive.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    The are not bullshit problems hun they are problems that need to be addressed You are important hun your needs you sadness your pain are just as important as others are
    I am sorry your friends just do see as clear as you do hun I hope you continue to talk here to vent to release some of the sadness ok. I hate isolation it hurts so much noone should be alone when they are so sad. Hugs to you
  3. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Hi DrNick :)
    Well, we want to listen to you bitch and bitch and getting all out in here, rather than percolating around inside of you, hun! :). This is what SF is for - far better to bring it all here and dump, where people don't mind and there is NO stigma........ it's always best to avoid those who are likely to stigmatise you because - and only because - either they feel inadequate/incompetent for anything that is outside of their comfort zone and/or it provides some sort of distraction from their own stuff. People are fallible and resort to labels and stigmas etc. because they don't know anything better.

    It is extremely irritating that no one else can understand our perspective, I agree. This is why we do what we can for each other here, and somewhere along the way find some nuggetts of insight that help to heal the chaos of how we are feeling inside. Like the stuff you have in your signature - I would call that brilliant......

    I reckon, as a suggestion, something you might try is - give yourself permission..... cos I feel you're a bit miffed with yourself for your feelings..... so say "I give myself permission to be like I am right now, I might wish it wasn't like this, but it is what it is, and I can fake it till I make it by getting some better insights... etc." And join us on the journey of making our minds our friends......When your mind is your best friend, life will be wonderful - of course it will, you won't have that stuff going around in your head any longer, and it will be at true peace.

    The smallest person can change the course of the future - absolutely, "even" me :)
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