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Just what I am?

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Wrick Malcof

Well-Known Member
#1
I can't help but feel like a failure for a few reasons. I have no life goal, I've never excelled at anything, hardly anything is important to me anymore. These things constantly berate my thoughts and I can't escape it. I wish I were better. I feel like I waste every breath I draw. I feel like I'm going crazy.
 

Alwayswrong

Well-Known Member
#2
Hi, @Wrick Malcof! Sau you've HAD no life goal so far. You can choose/change your life goal whenever you want. It doesn't have to be overwhelmingly great. It could be, for example, striving to become a better human being. If the only ones who are entitled to compete are the best ones, there would not be the Olympic Games, the crowded marathons all over the world, ...
Look at these Ralph Waldo Emerson quotes:
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Screenshot_2018-03-02-22-54-09-1.png
 

Walker

Everything Zen
Staff member
ADMIN
SF Social Media
SF Supporter
#3
I really don't find that to be all that crazy for your age. I don't know where we decided to expect people to find their calling in life at ages 18-22. That's weird. I'm sure a couple of kids manage it but I feel like most of them don't. You're mostly just spinning your wheels trying to figure things out while you feel your way around some jobs or life experience. So it's cool, just see where you're going for now. You've got plenty of time to decide.
 

Petal

SF dreamer
Staff member
Safety & Support
SF Supporter
#4
Hi and welcome, sorry you are feeling so low at the moment but help is at hand here.
Keep trying different things and find a passion for something, I know it's hard at your age but remember your adult life is just beginning and you have plenty of time to find something you enjoy. Suicide is never, ever an option, don't let it be one :)
(hugs)
 

theedda

Well-Known Member
#6
I feel the same way a lot, but honestly, if you don't have a goal, your goal should just be to survive and be happy. Find those friends and those hobbies that bring you enough joy to get through the bullshit, and make sure you have a roof over your head. I mean, what is ultimately more meaningful, that you accomplished some kind of goal that you set for yourself, or that you made someone you care about smile?

And honestly, a goal is just that: a goal. It's not the road that takes you there. I have a "goal" for the first time in my life. One day, an idea just popped into my head out of nowhere, an idea for a business that is, in my opinion, very good, and if successful, could both potentially make me rich, as well as actually do something good for the world. But I have no money to do it, I don't have pretty much any of the skills to start ANY business, and I'm not specialized in the technical aspects of what I want to do, so I either need months or even years of training or to already start hiring other people just to even get the ball rolling. I wouldn't say I'm any happier than before I had that goal, I just have some basic idea of what I need to do to reach it. So... continue to work, improve yourself, learn new things. And maybe you'll be better equipped for whatever goal you find for yourself once it hits you.
 

Sunspots

Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#7
Hi

I was talking about life goals to my therapist last week. I'm 48 and still haven't a clue what I want to do with my life. But that's OK.
I think most people drift along with the current, just doing what they need to do to survive. People who have a firm life goal are probably in the minority.

It's a cliché but life really is about the journey, not the destination.
 

Wrick Malcof

Well-Known Member
#8
I normally respond individually, but fortunately I can cover you all with ubiquity. When I say I have no goal, I mean totally. If someone asked me what I want to do with life my answer is nothing. It has always been nothing. I don't have passions or interests. I just exist. End of story. But the people in my life just can't fathom that. To them, that cannot be true so it's false. So year after fucking year I fabricate an interest or goal so everyone will hop off my back. Society makes me feel like I shouldn't exist just because I never had a reason to. But it eats away at your sanity. You can't comfortably live in a lie. And I wish i could just say "fuck it" and pick a goal but it's never that easy. I'm trapped. Stuck perpetuating my own misery, for other people. Being alive is an infuriating and painful experience.
 
#9
Hi Wrick

I got a feeling that you have a similar problem to me. For me it was always very difficult to aim for something in life, and my approach was entirely "just live my life till the end". I have accepted the fact that I am just going to finish studies, get some kind of job and just live. No particular ambition, reason, purpose. People I talked with had similar reactions to what u described. It seemed impossible that someone may have no goal in life. Currently I have no solution how to escape that permanent black and gray world, but I am working on it as hard as I can. I discovered that sport helps a lot. I started training regularly by accident, when my friend kinda forced me to go for 1 training session. I wasn't thrilled, but something in me got pissed at myself for not doing anything. Slowly I started practising 1-2 times per week. Currently I am climbing, 3-4 times a week for 2-3 hours. I always have to fight myself to go and climb, but looking back, it is becoming easier and I can see progress I am making which also brings me joy. The second thing that pushes me forward is a curse and a blessing. I am finishing my studies right now, and while looking for a job I have discovered that my specialization is a dying breed on a job market. I was crushed. I spent more than 1000 (thousand) hours self studying in IT route and it won't be very useful. I was really depressed, but I carried on and talked with a couple of friends about what I could learn to get a job. After a month of research I have realised that programming is a really good choice both by market demand and salary. Now, daily, I am trying to spend about 3-4 hours learning how to code. Each time I start, I have a feeling it is all useless, it is too late for me, too much material to learn. Each time I feel like I should just give up, forget about the fact I want to be able to snowboard once a year, climb in foreign mountains, buy a motorcycle, buy a car, buy my own flat! Simply go back to doing something to survive, just live on. When I finish my studing session though, I have a sense of a job well done and in a span of a week, I can certainly see results of my struggle. My climbing and self-studying are small victories for me, but they propell me forward. I obviously feel like shit quite often when my mind decides to remind me I am not working in my newly chosen career, I am already 26 year old, my friends already earn good money etc.

To sum it up - fight this horrible feeling of void. It will be painful, it will seem hopeless, you may cry and scream, pray and beg for some closure, but challenge yourself! Pick up activities to fill your spare time. Stick with them even when it will be almost physical pain. I know how hard it will be to stand by your choice, when all you will feel is just resignation. In new activities you may find the glimmer of light that will become your goal if you stick to it. I was there and I still am. The proof of that is the fact I am here - joined 2 hours ago, cause I felt overwhelmed by my career situation, comparison to friends, my fear of being useless, pathetic man and a long time feeling of hopelessness steming from possible depression.

My last piece of advice is something very true for me - if you feel angry or miserable when looking at your life and yourself, that means you still haven't given up on yourself. Use it.

Good luck! I hope in 6 months we both may report that we are doing better.
 

Wrick Malcof

Well-Known Member
#11
@cofish Thank you for sharing. I appreciate it. I can't help but notice you and i differ very critically. You actually want these things. Buying a car or flat. Travelling. You want to do these things. Believe me when I tell you I want for nothing. I don't want a goal or a purpose. I don't want to do anything with my life. There's no places I want to see or man I want to be. The only time I come close to wanting something, it's just my brain's incessant need to breed. I really hope you acheive these things for yourself. You clearly want it enough.
 

Aprilflowers7

Well-Known Member
#12
I really cannot have a goal or purpose. I had surgery when I was a baby and if I had a job I would have to pay a lot of money for insurance. I even have to take a pill when I go to the dentist. Then, when I try to be nice to people, they are obviously obsessed about appearances. Even if they do not comment about my face, they do about my scars. I remember once I told this girl I had surgery in seventh grade and she said it was weird, even though millions of people have had it but okay. Also if I tried to be better my mother doesn't want to help me at all. I think she is embarrassed by me. She wants to be pretty and popular. Like if I got stranded in my car somewhere who would help me? No one. I don't even have enough money for a car so it doesn't even matter.
 

Alwayswrong

Well-Known Member
#13
Hi, @Aprilflower7! First of all, anybody can choose a purpose in life. It doesn't have to be something everybody admires. It's something just for yourself, and you can change it as many times you want to, or choose more than one. I guess you've read Ecclesiastes: he tried many of the most well-known goals men look forward to, and found out they were all vanity, that the only real goal is to enjoy life and tobe a good human being.
Beauty doesn't last forever. You know that. You also know that beauty standards are different in different places and ages (when tuberculosis was epidemic, being pale and slim was a sign you had the disease; but there was a time when being tanned mesnt you belonged to the proletarisn class). Besides, do you see that most of the people meet the trend?
I've got scars due to acne and now I have one from a skin cancer on my cheek. If people don't like it it's their problem. There's a lot of other things to look at.
 

Aprilflowers7

Well-Known Member
#14
Yes, but it's everybody now. They will not change. I learned that in school. There's no one to talk to, nowhere to go. Everybody is obsessed with being popular. Everybody I know is fairly average. They do not understand.
 

Alwayswrong

Well-Known Member
#15
Everybody is obsessed with being popular. Everybody I know is fairly average. They do not understand.
Yes, it's true. MOST people are like this nowadays. But there are SOME who are NOT like this. They are very hard to find, though. That doesn't mean there's nobody to talk with. If you have a hobby ot you are interested in something, you'll always find some people with the same interest. They might be curious about your scars AT FIRST but then it's not an item of conversation any more. The most important thing is to accept oneself. We are not our scars; we are people who happen to have scars.
 

Aprilflowers7

Well-Known Member
#16
Well I haven't found anyone like that yet. Once I even took a poetry class and they weren't writing what I was writing. I mean they were more interested in rhyming poetry and I kept trying to explain different kinds of poetry and they didn't seem to understand. It was also all older people in the class, no one my age. Plus I have to deal with my sister and my mother. They are a little obsessive about appearances and the like. Even most psychologists do not understand because they haven't had surgery either and they are fairly average themselves. I like books mostly and usually the libraries are empty. Or the bookstores are too far to get to and I cannot afford to spend that much on one book. I remember I started to get rides at the beginning of high school from a few girls and then they started commenting about the other girl's appearances who were walking down the street, which kind of frightened me because what if they found out I had surgery? Plus I wear glasses. They didn't even ask me to go anywhere or anything. I knew they would say no if I asked them. Sometimes I would try to tell a couple of average people that I had had it and they said it was weird. It's not even my fault.
 

Alwayswrong

Well-Known Member
#17
Yeah! I agree: most people are shallow. It's all for the selfies. But what makes the difference is attitude. This works more or less like a bank: banks lend money to those who SEEM not to need it. If you go to a bank and you tell them that you need the money to pay your bills, then they consider you can't pay them either and won't lend you anything. I mean: if you are apprehensive because you anticipate reject, it shows. On the other han, if you take it as something natural (like: "oh! That? Bla bla), they will too. People heve to be TAUGHT. Many years ago, blind people, people in wheelchairs, down children, people without a limb, all had to suffer rejection or compassion. People didn't know how to act NATURALLY. They had to be TAUGHT. Teach them by taking it naturally yourself. Remember you are not the scar.
I don't know if you have ever watched this video (I uploaded it somewhere):

 

Alwayswrong

Well-Known Member
#18
Imagine all the wounded soldiers who fought for their fellow citizens to have liberty and be safe. Would people DARE to reject a wounded veteran? Well, people who had an accident, were born different, etc, are also fighters:they are warriors of LIFE. Instead of rejection, they deserve our admiration for their COURAGE.
 

Aprilflowers7

Well-Known Member
#19
My uncle was killed in the Vietnam War. It seems like my mother would want to help someone who was dying, too, but she doesn't really think of it like that. Like when I was five I wrote a piano score then I was writing scripts and stuff at age five as well. I also knew how to add and multiply already. She thought I needed to wait to go to kindergarten but I really did not. Every time I passed a test, every time I got a good grade, it didn't seem to matter. She wouldn't even help me get a car and I passed driver's ed. But she helped my siblings. No one is going to give me a car. No one is going to give me any money. I cannot even work full time because I have to pay my medical bills. My first surgery cost $50,000. Everybody always listens to my mother, too. She doesn't understand open heart surgery. She doesn't understand people's obsessions with their appearance. I have nowhere else to go.
 
#20
@cofish Thank you for sharing. I appreciate it. I can't help but notice you and i differ very critically. You actually want these things. Buying a car or flat. Travelling. You want to do these things. Believe me when I tell you I want for nothing. I don't want a goal or a purpose. I don't want to do anything with my life. There's no places I want to see or man I want to be. The only time I come close to wanting something, it's just my brain's incessant need to breed. I really hope you acheive these things for yourself. You clearly want it enough.
I am not foolish enough to tell you that we have the same problem, but I remember the state, when I just wanted to be left alone and not think at all. For me back then, thinking about goals or things I wanted was meaningless, as it summed up to simple "I will get by somehow and not think about it too much". I was aware in the depth of my mind that I should take care about my health, my social life, things that will impact my career, but they were not important as long as I could simply stop thinking about them. It was pure apathy, as I now consider it. My parents asked me many times what holds my interest, so they can help me advance in it, but I had no answer either for them or myself. The first time when my life changed was when I was semi-forced to join up sport activity. Later I was afraid to loose face before my friends, so I continued practice and tagged along for a snowboarding trip - which was something I remembered to have done and enjoyed as a child. The vacation itself was not thrilling for me, if anything, it was exactly as I have expected it to be - bland with a few moments of fun. Somehow though, the choices that I have made, so uncharacteristic for my past self, broke the kind of "trance" I was in. I was still forcing myself to try new things, and continue my chosen activities, but suddenly, steadily came times, when I was happy going for the practice. Slowly I have realised, that I want to be able to climb harder routes, to be as proficient as my friend who started me on this path. It started as a mix of jelousy, frustration and a rare strange feeling of...no idea? surprise perhaps? I simply didn't want to suck as much, when we were climbing together and people could compare us. There was no joy or interest in the beggining, no goal or purpose. Hell, it was all about forcing myself, or doing that to save face before others. Months later, came moments when I was looking forward to the next training or being excited about the finished one - it has never happened before. I was surprised beyond myself during those precious times. Year later, I tagged along / was coerced for the next snowboarding trip, again without any enthusiasm. I had noticeably more fun during it, though I had whole streaks of hours, when I was wishing to be back home, alone. Nowadays, I still have to work hard to be enthusiastic about something. I notice the changes though, and consider my options using logic when apathy strikes again. If it benefits me in terms of physical health, social life or any other way, I am forcing myself to do it. I do what I can, and fight on.

I think in cases like mine, what was needed was "shock-therapy" of sorts. Something to break the routine, to reset some dark recess of mind. I did not have goals, interests or any passions. I was living and that was it. Interests and goals sprung up after months of punishing myself with things, that I have disliked back then. Then came a period when something almost literally snapped at some point, and my perception shifted and continued to change. I wholeheartedly encourage you to try to break up your routine life, or if you can't, put yourself into position where you will be forced to. For me the main factor was my friend. That stupid bastard was dragging me through all kinds of activities from the moment I joined his first climbing session. Maybe someone can help you out like that.

Best of luck Wrick.
cofish

PS - sorry for another text wall mate
 
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