Got another rant-ish thing to make on here. First off, I'm sorry for not getting back to anyone on my other threads or responding in a timely manner. I do get caught up in a lot of things and generally, I don't know what to say most of the time other than thank you for replying and caring. Anyways, I feel like my life is running in place right now. In the sense that I don't know what to do with myself or where exactly it is the direction in life I want to take. What's preventing me from jumping out in the land of opportunity is the fact that I've figured mostly of what life is about and I disagree with it completely. I've must have said in another post that life is generally all about spending and when you stop to think about it - that's all it is. That's all you're doing and going to be doing. You're spending time to do something and when you aren't spending time, you're spending money. And boy, you're going to end up spending a lot of it even if it's spacial because even if it's spacial - it's going to pile up in time. So, simply because that I disagree with how life is ran, I just really find myself in a tough spot. I can't be homeless, because well, there have been times where I've walked the streets even living in a place. I walk a lot downtown and through wherever and sometimes I just put myself in the mindset of a homeless person. Questions are running through my mind "Where do I go to?", "Who do I go to?", "How long can I last this way?", "I've got some money, but that's not going to be here tomorrow, how should I spend it and where?" and many others. It's not a way to live and I despise how society and governments have made it so living is controlled by the mighty dollar. I've discovered, too, what the freedom without that control and worry is. It was a nice warm breezy, blue sky and sunny day. I stepped out on my porch and I inhaled the lovely air and looked towards the sky. It was quite something that life itself can be just as simple as that. But sometime, somewhere and someone decided one day that life should be tied down and be all about the ever so hasty ideal of progression. And I hate it... I hate it because it makes me think that those kind of people are unappreciative. I live with someone who is unappreciative and it's my father. Whatever respect I had for that man is diminished and he has successfully done so despite the fact that he works practically all seven days of the week. At 57 going 58 this year, that's really commendable stuff. But he's killed that respect for me because it's gotten to the point where I dread to do anything freely with what time I've been given anymore. I've got a lot of games, I don't play. I've got Netflix and our house is full of movies both VHS and DVD, I don't watch any. I have the world of the internet at my fingertips and the vast knowledge I can gather, but I don't bother. I only, at most, surf 8 sites in a cycle, almost like a routine. I get called irresponsible a lot or I'm given the feeling that I'm irresponsible from him because I'm not trusted to even change a damn light bulb. I recall one time, I've literally asked what bulb was it that my room uses so I can buy one and replace it. His response? Goes to get the bulb and changes it himself, while going off on tiny rants about why he's doing it. Nobody told him he had to. I get paid chore money to do things around the house, about $3 - $10. I don't care and I wasn't the one who started this. He gets this mindset that if paying me that kind of money around the house, would get me to do anything around the house. It doesn't. I choose to do those chores because I understood that life has it's responsibilities and upkeep is one of them. I don't need that kind of motivation for me to know what responsibility is like. I don't recall ever demanding or asking for raises of this chore money - I just do and I'd like to do it at my own pace, not his. Those are just a couple examples, I could go on, but there's only so much I can tell. I've worked 14 jobs in my life. I've been a janitor, I've been a DJ, I've been a stocker, I've been a housekeeper, I've been a bellringer, I've been a paper deliverer and I've been a DJ Host. The idea of working does not bother me at all. But, he's got it in his head that I don't want to work. That's partially true, in the sense that I don't agree with how the system of working - works. But that doesn't mean I don't want to do the job in question. I also, don't like to be pushed into jobs that wasn't my idea to be involved with. Those kinds of job setups, tend to end shortly and I'd like to thank my mother and father for scoring me two quit records on my resume because of it. Beforehand, I was mostly laid off, temp position ran out or that some of the jobs were volunteered. Right now, everything is in limbo at the moment because I'm at a loss of what to do with myself. I worry everyday about the time I have that I am to be bothered about finding another job. Reminded again and again about the stresses of life that has been built for everyone to abide to so blindly. That everyone is a slave to while the higher ups LIVE the life we desire of having. Worry-free and making it to see another day guaranteed. I get treated like I'm some irresponsible brat because my family is stuck in the past. I admit that back in those times, I would tend to agree that if I was evaluated during my childhood days. I'd think someone would label as me as "growing up to fail". When, to a point, I feel like these days that I was born to fail because I wasn't really raised properly. And this is because, I'd like to feel like I have an idea of what I want to do - but I don't. Whatever untapped potential I have that everyone else supposedly has, I haven't found it. The thing about my father is, also, is that I've done just about anything anyone else would do that showcase someone that they're responsible enough. I've gotten jobs, I've done chores around the house, I've cared for anything that's under my watch or usability and I've experienced the system of paying bills. Yet, it's not enough to these people. It just isn't. I get bitched or lectured at instead for things I feel is an accomplishment. I get the feeling instead that I'm a burden. Well, what do you want me to do? What CAN I do? I do these people favors and it's still not enough. I don't tell you to work yourself to death, I don't tell you that your paycheck relies on making sure I float too along with you and I don't really demand that my needs is top priority over yours. I don't get it. And my dad is exactly the representative of the very thing I despise. That unappreciative nature. And when he barks at me once in a while to get another job or keeping a tab on me with job progress. Reminds me a lot of the disagreement I have towards the system of life we've made and that I'm not allowed to enjoy what free time I'm given because I'm told I should slave myself instead. While in turn, make me hate life itself.