Just when I think I'm okay with everything that's happened - (possible trigger)

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by Growing Pains, Jul 9, 2014.

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  1. Growing Pains

    Growing Pains Well-Known Member

    - I see her. And every time I see her, it brings up a whole pot of emotions and fears that I thought were dead. At first, I wasn't sure it was her. But somehow, the mind just seems to know things. Because upon seeing her - even before I knew it was her - my heart dropped, my knees almost gave out on me, and I had to tighten my grip on my bags. It was after the second glance that I registered why I felt that wave of panic. It's strange how, even after ten years, seeing her face still sends me into that sympathetic state of fight or flight. It's stranger that I can't even remember much of what happened, and yet a part of my mind holds onto the memories the way a child clings to their favorite toy. How it all makes me feel powerless, defenseless - even now. I often wonder if she's changed. If she's still the person she was then (I'm sure not). But I don't think I care. It doesn't change what she did, or what I did. It doesn't change anything.

    The fact is, when I was in middle school - supposed to be having the best years of my life - she abused me. Verbally, emotionally, and physically a few times. And since I was accustomed to such abuse (my mother's then boyfriend), I didn't think anything of it until I started to mature. And when all was said and done, the damage was already done. Everyone believed that I was the one abusing her. And I let them. I let them because it was easier to do than to admit that it was actually the other way around. It was easier than reaching out and asking for help. Even now, my own family doesn't know the full extent of what she did to me, and probably never will. And seeing her brings this all to the front of my mind once again. And today, I saw her. She looked relatively normal. As I'm sure I did now that I've nearly physically recovered from my eating disorder. She looked normal, but in my mind, she looked everything but. In my mind, she looked evil. I'm not sure I'll ever get over that image of her.

    I sometimes want to forgive her. Because they say forgiveness will set you free. But why is forgiveness so hard?

    I just needed to get this out. Thanks for reading.
     
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