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Just why even bother...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by hereiam2018, Feb 27, 2018.

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  1. hereiam2018

    hereiam2018 Member

    Just what the fuck is the point of staying alive? I've been trying to keep a journal of things that make me happy, and yeah I know there are things that make me happy and all, but when I write about them in the journal it feels so fake because I sure as fuck am not as happy and crap like my journal might make it seem. I've been keeping this journal for about a week now, and I've realized when I write in it, I see it as me writing down things I've done before I die. I just feel so okay with the thought of me being dead. I don't currently have a plan, but I've thought about suicide. I've never self-harmed but I've thought about it and come very close to actually doing it. I've thought about death for years.
    I literally just joined this site right now and this is my first post because I literally just wanted to ask what's the fucking point? Why not just put myself out of this constant...just I don't even know exactly what to call it.
    I don't know exactly what I'm looking for from this forum but I guess anything is better than nothing.
    Indolent likes this.
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hiya, I am so sorry you are fighting so much to stay alive but feel like you are losing the battle. You probably found this site while search for ways to die (many of us did) but I promise you it can get better if you put the effort in. For example: what are some things you would Love to do? and how can you achieve them even if the seem far off.
    Life can be very cruel to us at times but we lie for the good moments and cherish them.

    I suggest you see a doctor for your depression if you haven't already, how do you cope on a daily basis? And do you have family supports?
    hereiam2018 likes this.
  3. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    In most cases, there's a way to get better so that you feel glad to be alive. Usually it takes some form of treatment method and some support.

    We may be able to help you work something out.

    You're 22, which is still pretty young. There's a lot of possibilities ahead of you.

    Do you want to say more about what's going on?
    hereiam2018 likes this.
  4. hereiam2018

    hereiam2018 Member

    I actually did not find this site while looking for a way to die (rational part of me says thank goodness). Unfortunately, I have already thought of ways I would probably do it (so that's not good). I really do feel like I'm losing the battle. Honestly the few things I have always thought I would love to do, I just don't even care about them that much anymore. I always thought I would love to travel to Spain and Italy, so I always bring those up whenever people ask me where I'd like to go, but I never actually think about it otherwise. And things like marriage, I just can't really ever see myself being happy enough for it to happen.

    I have been to a few counseling sessions around a year ago, but haven't been before or since then. I can't really make myself care enough to get myself a therapist. On a daily basis, I basically just cope by doing what I have to do. I go to class, pretend to care, have my meals, come back to my room where I at least don't really have to pretend to care. This routine is basically what keeps me going. My family does support me, but as you can imagine, it's just not really that easy to talk to them like this.
  5. hereiam2018

    hereiam2018 Member

    I've been taking antidepressants for about a year now. My support is kind of on and off and sometimes my support is just myself. I admit part of me not always having support is my own fault (fuck mental crap). I know theoretically there's a lot of possibilities ahead of me, but they all seem impossible or unimportant, like what's the point of bothering to see what happens in a couple years.

    Honestly, my depression and shit has been around for so many years I don't remember exactly when it started. It's had its ups and downs for many, many years which is how I developed a facade of being okay or not caring and honestly my mind is definitely fucked up from it. I have had some legitimate things that have led to emotional outbursts (ie a lot of the reason I was super depressed in middle school and high school is because people were actually absolute dicks to me), and I've always struggled a great deal with self esteem. In college, I've had a lot of downs related to stress from classes and trying to figure out what to do with my life. Also I started letting myself get closer to people and some of them crushed me. Also sometimes I've had fights with my mom that made me feel just awful. Currently the fighting with my friends and feeling so alone and misunderstood and feeling so...nothing...sometimes is what's bringing me down so much.
  6. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    There's more to treating depression than just meds and therapy. The links in my signature can connect you to some more information.

    Do you want to say what you've been fighting with your friends about?
    hereiam2018 likes this.
  7. hereiam2018

    hereiam2018 Member

    What do
    What do you mean there's more than meds and therapy? I know I need to change myself, which I have tried to do, but I always just end up back in the same place. It's so discouraging.

    Well, with one group of my friends, our friendship basically ended because we got into this whole stupid fight then they stopped talking to me. I tried to reach out a couple times through notes and text but got such anxiety at the the thought of speaking to them in person. Them finally around a month of not speaking to them, I did actually tell one of them in person that we needed to talk. She said we will, but we never did. Honestly I've kind of been doing better without these friends as in I've found courage to do some things like come out to my mom. But recently they posted a Snapchat story of them all hanging out together which brought up a lot of hurt again.

    Another of my friends I'm currently fighting with, I think we're going to be okay. Our fighting has caused me a lot of stress these past few days. My mental crap is a lot of the reason for this fight. She thinks I haven't been there for her, I've thought similar things... but we've laid it all on the table so I think our friendship will actually survive. I hope.
  8. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Make it an achievable goal to travel to France or Italy. Who could you go with or would you travel alone?

    I think you should go back to counseling, I know it has done wonders for me over the years, I'd probably not be here without it, it will really help if you put the effort into the sessions. Try and care enough and let yourself get as much of a chance at life than previously.

    You need to shake up your routine a bit and that is where therapy will be of most benefit. You can definitely do this. I have every faith that you can.

    We care about you so keep opening up, I know its hard to talk to family, who are you closest to?
    hereiam2018 likes this.
  9. Walker

    Walker Everything Zen Staff Member Safety & Support SF Social Media SF Supporter

    hi there. a lot of folks show up here feeling the exact same way as you do.. and somehow over a period of time they manage to begin to feel better. This place has a way of changing things in people. Maybe you wanna stick around and see if that happens for you as well? hang in there and keep posting.
    hereiam2018 and gypsylee like this.
  10. gypsylee

    gypsylee SF Supporter

    Welcome to SF, @hereiam2018

    I’ve got a 16yo daughter and I’ve seen her moodiness because of social media. She’s hopelessly addicted to Snapchat and the like, and she can go from being a nice girl to a horrible little b#tch within minutes because of whatever’s going on on social media. I tell her to just put the phone away but she won’t, so I’ve had to take it off her and hide it in my room :confused: I’m so glad the net wasn’t around until I was mid-20s.

    Anyway stick around here.. SF is like the antidote to Facebook and Snapchat. People here are real and don’t just post happy pictures of themselves on holiday. It’s a really cool forum :cool:
    hereiam2018 likes this.
  11. gypsylee

    gypsylee SF Supporter

    hereiam2018, Walker and Stijn like this.
  12. hereiam2018

    hereiam2018 Member

    At this point I would probably travel alone because I don't really have anyone to go with. The main issue would be the money to afford the trip.

    Logically I know I should go back to counseling. I've even looked into it and everything, but when it got kind of difficult to set up, I kind of just gave up. I think it's a combination of it being hard to find motivation as well as the desire to be able to do everything by myself.

    At this point the friend I'm closest to is the one I've been fighting with. We've actually made up now. The problem is that she doesn't really understand a lot of it because she's never really had depressed thoughts to this type of extent. So she's gotten frustrated with me because my issues are so repetitive but in her mind she's already told me something so I'm just going in circles.

    I appreciate you ❤
  13. hereiam2018

    hereiam2018 Member

    Thank you ❤ I hope this does happen!
  14. hereiam2018

    hereiam2018 Member

    Haha I agree that social media sucks. Unfortunately it's part of my coping mechanism for being alone so much. Sometimes it can help me because when I'm feeling good about my appearance I post selfies which makes me feel good.

    I really appreciate how real you are.
  15. gypsylee

    gypsylee SF Supporter

    That made me smile @hereiam2018 :)
    hereiam2018 likes this.
  16. gypsylee

    gypsylee SF Supporter

    We can use ❤️?
    hereiam2018 likes this.
  17. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Save up, go to Italy and do what the Roman's do lol, seriously I am literally doing the same thing, wanting to go to a foreign country to the same paces you want to go lol
    I think its achievable and you can do it, put a little money away each week and go from there :)

    Counseling does get tough there is no doubt about that, when it gets tough that's where the flight or fight response comes into action, go back off or you go head on collision with it, when it gets tough that is the moment you realise you must continue and brave through it. You can totally do it.

    Thank you for appreciating me, I appreciate you too :) Glad you made up with your friend, maybe she doesn't understand what you are going through, chances are that she doesn't.

    Hope the day gets a little brighter for you , you have so many positive things you can do I can't count them but i understand it is not easy ((hugs))
    hereiam2018 likes this.
  18. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    Most of the information is in my signature links. I think signature links sometimes can't be seen if you are accessing SF from a phone, in which case this link should work

    Acupuncture and traditional Chinese herbal medicine are two of the things that I mention most frequently. Acupuncture has been endorsed by the World Health Organization for treating a variety of conditions, including depression.

    I can give you some information about finding quality, affordable treatment if you are interested (teaching clinics and community clinics).

    There are also some self-help methods, also mentioned in my signature links.
    hereiam2018 likes this.
  19. hereiam2018

    hereiam2018 Member

    Aw I'm glad :)
  20. hereiam2018

    hereiam2018 Member

    Apparently ❤
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