just why...

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by justwhy08, Jul 6, 2016.

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  1. justwhy08

    justwhy08 New Member

    Another newb here...
    I'm 24, and just now coming out about my depression/ anxieties. Got into a little trouble with the law over a year ago (reckless driving), and was put on probation with only 50 hours of community service. Now struggling with even more trouble because even after a year I have been unable to complete my hours.
    Let's go back to the beginning...
    I grew up in a very basic dysfunctional family. My father is an angry self absorbed alcoholic, and my mother is over controlling and anxious. They both have their issues. My mom with her anxieties, and my dad with his depression leading to his alcoholism. Both refuse to admit their serious under lying issues, and pass them off as just being worrisome(mother), or too tough to deal with shit(father).
    Genetics come into play, and I'm stuck with both problems. I was an angsty child, never told I was loved or hugged at all. I took up the mentality that I didn't need these petty reassurances. Suppressing my feelings of self doubt, and loneliness was the way to go.
    For the most part it worked great. I made it through highschool with minimal problems. One thing always stuck with me though. I was horrified of letting people down. Being beaten by your drunken father for not mowing the yard right probably lead to that.
    Then came the girl friends. I fell in love with every girl that would give me the time of day. I needed attention, I needed...love.
    Fast forward back to the present...
    During my year on probation I lost the love of my life. I've always loved hard, but this takes the cake. She had similar issues, and we fit. We helped each other. I thought I had found my life partner, and nothing could bring me down. She finally came to me after a year together, traveling and doing amazing things, and said she didn't love me. Said she couldn't love me. As my previous words would lead to believe I was devastated. This thought had never crossed my mind. I never once doubted we both loved each other. I refused to believe it. After some time with what little friends I had left. I thought maybe I could live on. Until she came back. She always came back when she wasn't feeling herself. She used me time and time again, and I let her. I burnt it into my brain that this was a sure fire sign she still loved me.
    Tonight I let her go. I finally deleted all contacts with her. I asked for final reassurance that she didn't want me, and she didn't say anything. So I have to let her go.
    Now I sit here at my desk, with my miserable dead end third shift job. My friends have all left me, I can't find a place to live this next year. Meaning I'll end up back at my parents where I can't take my dog. All that I have left is my dog. Gryffin a one year old Shepard mix. I can't start from scratch again. With no support. My parents are nice enough to let me come back, but fail to realize the hell they've created in that home. I'm broke and so fucking lonely.
    Some one tell me just why...it's worth continuing....
  2. justwhy08

    justwhy08 New Member

    Left out a lot of details. Didn't notice how long this was.
  3. ByePolar

    ByePolar Well-Known Member

    I too was beaten when I was younger, as I am currently sixteen. The only problem is, my dad never drank. He knew what he was doing every time. As a matter of fact we still have the wooden board he used. But that's not the point. The point that I'm trying to make, is that you're not alone. Here, we've all been through something. This is a community of people who want to help others. And, I want to express my deepest condolences to you. If you ever want to talk, I'll be willing to listen and offer support and some sort of advice. I wish you the best of luck, and I hope tommorow is the beggining of something good for you.
  4. Sarah171

    Sarah171 Member

    I'm so sorry you are going through such pain. I know right now it feels like there's no end to your pain, and that there's no point to continuing on, but there absolutely is. I know you don't see it now, but soon you will. Happiness will soon follow and your life will get better.
    I don't know where you live, or what the criteria is for fulfilling your community service hours are, but I volunteer in animal rescue so I have an idea that you might want to look into. I know you said your parents said you could stay with them but can't take your dog, so perhaps you can take them up on that offer to buy you some more time to find another place to stay. You can contact local animal rescue organizations in your area and see if someone would be able to foster your dog until you find another place to live. In exchange, you can provide the dog's food, and volunteer for the organization to earn your community service hours. As long as they see you making the effort and showing up doing your part, perhaps they will help by providing a foster home for your dog until another option can be found.
    I sincerely hope you are able to find a suitable solution, and that you are blessed beyond your wildest dreams :)
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