Just wish there was an easy way

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by birders, Aug 13, 2012.

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  1. birders

    birders Member

    I lost my wife in early May, 2012. She had been suffering from a neuro disease for some years and had recently been in hospital following an accident. However, she came home and regained mobility and was doing extremely well. Then on 3rd May she collapsed and died from Sepsis caused by a urinary infection. I am utterly distraught as I was looking after her and cannot understand why there were no symptoms.

    If there was a quick and easy way out I would do it - now. I miss my wife so much - we were together for 48 years and married for nearly 45. We were true soul mates and did everything together. Each day for me is hell on earth as I am without her. How I will manage for the rest of my life (I am 68 and in fair health) I simply do not know.

    To those who say that those who commit suicide are selfish, they simply do not know the agony that some people go through.
  2. jimk

    jimk Staff Alumni

    Birders so very sorry your wife is gone.. Lots of years together..lost my best friend while back of just about as many years together.. Still forget and almost try to call her.. Hurts terribly.

    You try to not go into total isolation now..got any relatives nearby? A friend or two? You need someone to spend some of the time with.. We have lots of good, caring ppl here..chat rooms are busy and this place is open 24/7..take care, Jim
  3. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I just want to say that I'm sorry for what you're going through. If there's any way I can help, or you just need a listening ear, you can PM me anytime.
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I just want to say I'm so sorry for your loss. Have you considered going for bereavement counselling? That could help a lot.
  5. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    Hello and I am sorry for your loss.
    My son died by suicide a year and a half ago (he was 18) and my life has been a total empty shell ever since. I have been married to my wife for about 35 years and she is my best friend and we do everything and go everywhere together. I know how you must feel. I cannot say for sure how I will react if my wife ever passes away, but I can say that I experience something along the same lines with the loss of my son. He was my best pal too and everything that was him, was something out of me. His loss is like having my legs and arms removed. Through that, I find reason to go on. Firstly, I know that he would wish for me to try to find happiness (which I cannot, other than those temporary little things from time to time... but nothing lasts at it would if life were perfect again). Secondly, there is much left in the world that I know I can contribute to. You can too. Maybe there are other people in your same situation who are feeling down. Maybe you can help them. Maybe they can help you. Maybe you can find purpose in that, or something else, that helps make the rest of life worth living. What things did your wife and you used to enjoy doing? Did you like animals? Volunteer to help at an animal shelter. Did you enjoy something else? Find a cause that reflects what she and you might have supported together and support it in both your names. It doesn't have to be financially, it can be through time and effort found in volunteering. Perhaps volunteer to help bring more awareness for what she passed away from. You said there were no symptoms - perhaps there were subtle things, or things to be avoided, or research you can help bring more awareness to.

    A very wonderful person who is suffering every day but doing much to help others who suffer as he does is the actor, Michael J. Fox. Read up on his foundation - he's making a difference in the world.

    There is no easy solution to what you are feeling. Believe me, I live what you are going through in many ways. We have only two options and those are to either give up, or to stand up and fight to do something in the memory of our loved one.
  6. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I am sorry that I have no words of wisdom, and cannot imagine what you are going through, but I want to offer my support and caring...it is so important to hold on to others now and know that there is something here for you...please PM me if I can be there for you...as an addendum, I also have a neurological disease (CIDP) and know some of what you and she must have gone through
  7. wishful

    wishful Member

    I'm sorry you lost your wife. Sounds as if you 2 had a wonderful life together. I'm sure she misses you too. Maybe you can focus on some things you 2 did together...go & revist some vacation spots she loved & see them again for both of you. I bet when you get there you'll feel her presence. I'm sure she would want you to go on & life a full life ...you would want the same for her if you would have gone 1st would you? You can't blame yourself for her urinary infection there is no way you could have none this was happening. She knows you did the best you could to take care of her! You were the one who got her out of the hospital to begin w/& helped her gain mobility.

    I believe you are correct when you say people have no idea what you are going thru until they have been in your shoes. We all have opinions about many situations we come across every day (whether they are about values, death penalty, abortion, gay marriage...the list goes on & on) but I truely believe that until you are actually in ANY type of situation you, you never really can objectively say how it would feel to walk in your shoes. I don't think suicide is selfish. I myself think about it often ...nobody can/will understand/know what I go thru every day cause I've become very good @ hiding it. I think suicide scares people & it's easier to blame the person who is gone that to think we may have missed something that could have helped them. in your case PLEASE think of a favorite place you & your wife visited ...go there for both of you to revisit & come back & tell us about it! Okay?
  8. birders

    birders Member

    Thanks to everyone who have responded so quickly. I really do appreciate your support, kindness and suggestions.

    I cannot visit favourite places at the moment as it would be far too painful. I have become withdrawn and can only manage to drive to the shops and my wife's grave, which I visit several times each day. We always used to be together in the car with my wife navigating as she loved maps. Wherever I go I can imagine her there beside me and what she would be saying. This is just too painful at present. We had several shared hobbies which involved doing much driving but I cannot enjoy them any more without her.

    My wife suffered from Multi-system atrophy, which is like a more serious version of Parkinsons Disease with no cure and no real treatment, although they did prescribe PD drugs which do sometimes help. She had been doing very well for some years until she had a fall last December which required emergency brain surgery and she developed critical pneumonia whilst in hospital. I was told that she almost certainly would not survive, but she did. She worked very, very hard to regain her mobility and came home in February. She continued to do very well and we were taking short walks and she climbed the stairs OK. Two days before she died she said she felt tired but we had had two early mornings so that did not trigger any worries. The day before she died she again felt tired and her urine levels were down somewhat. I decided to get her checked out so we went to our GP and he prescribed antibiotics for a urinary infection. She seemed very well the rest of the day, ate normally and did some sewing. Later in the evening she was planning a patchwork project and we went to bed normally and she said she felt OK. Next morning I helped her up out of bed and she collapsed. I did CPR, as did the ambulance crew when they arrived. Sadly, a few hours later in hospital we were told that she would never recover and she died soon after. The death certificate said Sepsis caused by a urinary tract infection. This knocked me out as I had taken very great care of her for many years and even more so when she came home from hospital and I was her carer. I just cannot think what else I could possibly have done. We were warned to prevent any further falls so I went everywhere with her and never left her side unless unless she was sitting down safely. Nobody warned us about the danger of UTIs or how to detect them if they did not produce the usual symptoms of pain, high temperature, etc.

    I am crushed beyond belief. For the last few years I have suffered terrible depression through worrying about my wife but nothing prepared me for what I now feel in desperate grief. My wife was my whole world, my whole life, everything I lived for from the time we first met as teenagers. I was her first boyfriend and she was my first girlfriend and we were soul mates from the very start, hardly bearing to be apart from each other. We were utterly devoted to each other and the pain of life without her is unbearable.

    I have had three counsellors. One, the priest at the local church, told me that my beloved wife had suffered a terribly painful death. This shredded me and although I sought help from medics who assured me that she didn't, it played on my mind for ages.

    The second counsellor was very impersonal and was a waste of time. The third comes today for our third session. She is very sympathetic and does all she can to put my mind at rest.

    Unfortunately, two old friends visited me recently and some things they said, quite unwittingly, have scared me that I should have realised Ruth might have a UTI. I have again sought medical advice and have been assured that there was nothing more I could have done. However, when these terrible thoughts get into my head I cannot get rid of them, no matter what anyone says to assure me. The thoughts just keep hurtling through my brain and I cannot get rid of them. They are at their worst first thing in the morning, which makes me dread how I shall get through the day. I have a quick breakfast and then hurry round to sit with my wife and she calms me down.

    I pray several times each day not to be kept on this Earth for too long as I want to be back with my wife. We have a double grave so, no matter what happens "spiritually" when I die, I know that we shall be close together for ever. I often think of suicide but from what I can find out, it is not very easy to do here in the UK. I want to die in our bed but most poisons are now unobtainable to the general public so <Mod Edit, WildCherry: Methods> are what I have looked at. The alternatives are very violent and I would not wish to upset our family.

    Thank you all again for your help and to those suffering, you are in my prayers.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 15, 2012
  9. jimk

    jimk Staff Alumni

    birders, thanks for opening up in this thread.. we do care about you and many of us have also suffered real loss of someone dear.. wish so much i knew how to help you some now.. i don't sir adn i am sorry.. we are nearby now and around.. Jim
  10. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I know that when things get really bad, it's hard for you to believe this; but you did the best you could. There's nothing more you could have done. You took excellent care of your wife, and you were there for her, by her side, through everything.

    Doing things that remind you of her would probably be too painful for you right now. Are there any hobbies you've always wanted to do, but just never gotten around to doing? Any activities you can think of?

    Please keep reaching out for support whenever you need it. I know we can't take the pain away, but we can give you a safe place to share, to reach out and connect with people who really do care.
  11. birders

    birders Member

    Thank you again for your support. Another day dawns and the terror begins. How will I get through today without my wife? I think the mornings bring on the demons because that was when she was taken badly ill. Although her time of death was given as 12.20pm I suspect that she actually "died" in our bedroom at 7.30am. Every day is bad but I truly dread Thursdays as that was the day she died.

    So many people - doctors, nurses, etc - have told me that I did all I possibly could but they were not with us so I only have my knowledge of what happened. Believe me, I did absolutely all I could to care for my beloved wife but maybe I missed something in those last two days.... I just do not know and the feeling of guilt is terrible.

    I have faith - I am a Roman Catholic - but it has taken a lot of shaking of late, not only because of the tragic loss of my wife but because of the terrible things going on in the world around us. Here in the UK a thoroughly decent 12-year old schoolgirl was murdered by her grandfather last week. What kind of "loving God" allows these things to happen? My wife was working very, very hard to recover from illness and she was getting on fine with something new achieved every day, yet she was taken in the most tragic of circumstances which will haunt me and cause me great pain for the rest of my life. Dear God - WHY? I pray every day for help so that I may understand the loss of my soul mate of 48 years..

    God Bless you all..
  12. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    I am sorry for your loss birders. You cannot blame yourself or put yourself through unnecessary guilt because you did all you could. You took her to the GP who prescribed her antibiotics for the UTI, you did all you possibly could. Unfortunately, sepsis is something that can cause havoc very quickly and can go undetected as there can often be very little symptoms. I cannot imagine what you are going through right now, but with time, things do become easier and the pain lessens. My great grandma who lost my great grandad a couple of years ago were married for over 60 years. He died suddenly also. They were soul mates and undoubtedly she was devastated, especially as he hadn't been ill before he died. But at 91, she has now moved into a new flat and has made some new friends and she has taken up some new hobbies. She had him cremated and she made a little garden for him at the sheltered flats where she lives and got a memorial bench and scattered his ashes there. She visits him every day and still talks to him. The pain is a lot easier for her now.

    Please don't give up, you can get through this although it may be difficult at times. You can always come and talk and vent to us when you have bad days, and we will help you get through :hug:
  13. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Please let us help you through the bad days. I know we can't take away the pain, but we can at least offer you support. We can be here for you to lean on when you need someone.
  14. birders

    birders Member

    I thought, last evening, that I was beginning to come to terms with what killed my wife and that it may not have been wholly my fault. Then I read in the newspaper today that elderly people should have at least 8 glasses of water a day to prevent urinary infections. My wife never drank that much although she did drink much more than me.

    Now the demons are back, hammering my brain that I did not care for my wife but I did. If ONLY the medics had told us that she should drink that much and if ONLY the medics had explained the possible dangers if she didn't I would have ensured that she drank much more.

    I have always been a dreadful worrier and the death of my wife has turned me into a neurotic.
  15. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    It's not your fault. :hug: You can't do what you don't know. And to be perfectly honest, most people don't drink 8 glasses of water a day. And drinking that much water doesn't completely prevent urinary tract infections. There are people who do drink the recommended amount, and they can still get UTI's.
  16. birders

    birders Member

    Thank you WildCherry.... I'll try and get that through my stupid head. God Bless you..
  17. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Your head isn't stupid. :hug: You're just hurting. I really hope you can try to let go of the guilt you're carrying around. Here if you ever feel like talking.
  18. birders

    birders Member

    Thank you WildCherry. My thoughts of suicide are at their strongest first thing in the morning and then they subside as the day goes on. I know that feelings of suicide and guilt are common in grief but I wonder how long they last. My wife died over three months ago and my grief gets stronger every day. A past doctor of ours whom I see at the graveyard (his wife died a year ago) said that grief can last for seven years, but I know that grief is not the same for everyone. I know it is bad for me because my wife and I were incredibly close for so long. Many people told us that our relationship was unique and most couples would never experience anything like it in their lifetime. I know that and I am truly grateful for the time I had with Ruth. It was an honour and a privilege to have such a wonderful wife. Grief is the price we pay for love.....

    I thought back to when Ruth was in hospital for two and a half months.. I used to visit her during all the possible visiting times, and more if the ward would allow it. I spent 8-10 hours with her every day whilst some patients rarely had a visitor. We wondered why their husbands did not visit them or maybe just spent half an hour. We enjoyed each other's company so much. Now all that has gone. Life is VERY cruel.
  19. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    Life is indeed cruel birders and it sounds like you and your wife had such a brilliant and close relationship. Grief is a funny thing and it affects everybody differently and nobody's grief will be the same. But grief is at it's strongest between a few months to a year after losing someone and while their will always be some pain, it will not be as intense forever. I know it's cliche to say this, but you knew your wife the best and honestly, what would she say to you right now?

    Have you looked into the cycle of grief? It sounds like you are somewhere between guilt and depression. It DOES get easier and less painful hun, keep hanging on there :hug:
  20. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    You're right, grief is different for everyone. I don't think anyone can really put a time frame on it. I do think that working toward freeing yourself of the guilt might help the healing process a lot. Grief is painful enough, but it's compounded by guilt.

    I know life can be so cruel sometimes. :hug:
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