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Just wish to vent a little...

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Staysuplate, Oct 18, 2010.

  1. Staysuplate

    Staysuplate Member

    Apologies/sorry if I am doing this wrong, or if this is in the wrong place. I am and new and a little confused.

    I am a pretty happy most of the time, I guess. I mean I am suicidal, but I always had a pragmatic and systematic approach to dealing with my thoughts and desires, and avoiding things that may trigger more extreme action.

    Recently though, my mother has discovered she has terminal cancer. She is in her forties, so it is hitting my family hard. I am a shy person, and I tend to avoid interacting too my much with my other family members and work colleagues, save for my sister, who is in her second year of school. This whole situation is bringing out a side of me that I try to keep locked away. I have always avoided interacting with my family, because I am so different to them, they are loud, happy, emotional, aggressive people, but also very traditional, now those things can bring their own positives and negatives, the main picture I am trying to paint, is I don't gel with them. My grandfather likes to complain about everybody, prior to my mother's cancer he use criticize her and felt entitled to, since she lived under his roof. Even though she in actuality is the one paying for most of the bills, and was the one who cooked and cleaned everything.

    Its a small aspect of his personality though, he is also very kind and generous, and he is a widower himself and has never seem to have gotten out of the rut after his wife died, he seems depressed, and I use him as an example, but again trying to paint the big picture, that the generational gap between us, and me with the rest of my family, and our sheer personalities would just bring us into natural conflict. Conflict I almost always up until now, have been able to avoid, purely because people in my family react to it horribly. Things can get physical. Things can get confrontational, there is much verbal bickering, insulting and cursing, and I hate all that stuff. I don't even like shouting. I have a history of mental illness they are not fully aware of and would probably have trouble understanding, so common sense is not something I really have, which they find frustrating. They take offense for example, that I don't like to eat much, I prefer to eat in private and I prefer to buy, eat and prepare my own food. I am strictly independent in every way, except for the roof over my head, which I pay board money to my mother for. Bills and all that. I think I pay the most out of my family, when i crunch the numbers.

    Though I am not really that close with my mother, she acted as my intermediary of sorts. I live with my mother and her, my family because I provide financial support for her and by extension them, I could not otherwise provide if I just decided to break away. Also I live with them as to just fulfill my role as a big brother for my little sister earlier mentioned, who is fatherless and will now soon to be motherless.

    After writing that last line I completely lost my track of thought. My sister and mother are both going though, and are about to go though a really hard time, and I am just so frustrated and annoyed at the other people surrounding them. I can understand their anger and all that, but they way they expressive it is having a detrimental effect on my sister and mother in different ways. The way our family structure is set up though, their is almost nothing I can say though, without making it worse. This is also not a situation I can avoid for obvious reasons. Its bringing back my suicidal thoughts and urges back extremely hard.

    From today I will have to look after my sister full time. Which I am okay with, its just going to mean by extension dealing with other members of family which will cause stress, plus it happens to everyone, but I am still pissed off at the universe for taking my mother so early. It appears she may even lose out on the few months of time Doctors estimated she might have. I am angry, sad, frustrated and well, I would make a guess that if anyone is reading this, they might guess what else I am thinking about.

    I would really, rather like to just being blunt and open with my family, even to the point of being a condescending and patronizing jerk, but given my place in the family I would be out on the street and most of the money I should have saved has gone towards them and my sister, they wouldn't believe or may negatively react to being told how my mother is secretly frustrated and annoyed at them, and how difficult they are making things for her, and increased tension between them and my mother in her last days, is not something anyone wants. Plus I don't really trust my sister with them, and wouldn't in a position to look after her and make sure she is safe and well, she is really confused right now. So instead I'll try to be as stoic as I can. I'm starting to switch though. All of this feels like a reminder that I am far too different to really have a place on this earth.

    Venting here now though, and reading other vents, helps a little bit though, that strength will be allocated to enabling me look after my sister extra well, because she needs it right now, till some other long term arrangements can be made for her.

    Do I lack some evolutionary physiological coping mechanism or drive? I like life, especially for other people, just on a personal level, for myself. Its...

    Sorry for rambling, and I am not really sure what my point was. If anyone has read all this, to this point, I would again guess that it might be because you were like me, reading other people's 'rants'. I just wanted to say even though I don't know you, I hope your day and future picks up a little bit and inexplicably you somehow magically start feeling better.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am glad you were able to come here just to get all the thoughts out of your head and emotions out of your heart. I hope your mom has a great team working for her to help her live a good life that she has Many people live long lifes with cancer treatments I know you say she is terminall but are they going to treat the cancer to help her prolong her life. Keep posting okay it is a way of helping you cope with everything. I hope you too have supports for you to help you deal with all the stress as well a therapist for you to keep you strong in all this. remember that okay take care.
  3. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Hi staysuplate
    you sure do have a lot going on. I am sorry that your mom is dealing with terminal cancer. It can be so hard when things feel out of our control. And yet they are impacting us directly. I do not know if this is a thought you have. But it comes to mind.

    Wise decision to come here and write. As Violet recommends, please continue to do so. This is a constant. No one will ask anything of you here.

    I hope that you get some good support for yourself in real life during ths challenging time. I am wishing you the very best and sending safe hugs if you would like
  4. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Staysuplate,
    I am sorry to hear what your mom is going thru.. I hope the doctors are keeping her comfortable.. Loosing a loved one is tough.. I just lost my brother in law...His cancer spread to his brain and they operated three times but he still died.. I took his picture and the leaf lets from the funeral and put them in a shadow box..I did this in respect of him.. Do you have photos of your mom?? Maybe doing the same will help you in the long run.. I wish you luck with your sister.. It takes big shoes to step up and be the previdoer for your sibling.. Keep posting and ranting all you want.. Thats what we are here for.. I wish you the best..
  5. Staysuplate

    Staysuplate Member

    Thank you, so, so very much ~violet~, it really means and helps a lot to know there is a place I can talk about this topic, and clear my head a bit. I don't really have access to a therapist, I have been thinking about asking my local doctors office but due to shyness and my last experience with a psychiatrist at school I have been reluctant. I do tend to stay up quite late at nights though, as my username might suggest, reading, writing and usually thats enough to keep stress down low. Plus posting here as helped. So I most likely would wish to continue so.

    Thank you so much again for taking the time to reply!

    Thank you flowers, yes I do feel like that quite a bit. From a very early age I have always had this unusual, awkward, and I guess negative perception of life, my life, my purpose and point, so set about trying to be in as much control of things as I could. I work and live in relative isolation, so right now I do feel a big loss of control and its very frustrating.

    Thank you for your time and your kind words!

    Thank you lastly Stranger1. My mother is a bit of a fatalist, and has struggled with suicidal thoughts in the past, so its hard to see how she is dealing with this all, but we do have a particularly nice hospice careworker assisting with her. I am sorry to hear about your loss as well, and that does sound especially hard, with the multiple surgeries. Can't have been easy for you and your family. That sounds like a nice thing to do. Thank you for your suggestion.

    It is rather nice to be able to talk about such a personal subject with those who understand it a bit better than most. Feels like a giant weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

    Thank you for your well wishes, I wish you the best also.

    Thank you everyone again. I have been feeling so tired lately (emotionally) venting has helped considerably.