Ever since I was little, I've never been able to answer the question, "why should I care?" I attempted suicide twice before turning 12 (using presciption drugs) now I'm 23 and my feelings towards nonexistence haven't changed. I suppose due to the failure of the first two, I've been wary of trying again simply because I've learned that failure is followed by a great deal of outside intervention, and I wanted to be sure I could do it without remorse. I've lived with these feelings as I long as I have by forcing so much apathy and distraction upon myself, but I still see suicide as an eventuality, optimistically even. I think I've also been subconciously trying to become a worse person to make it easier to go through with it. For several months now, though, I've thought of suicide several times a day, and I've been having dreams involving suicide. So, I'm thinking I'm running out of ability to avoid what feels inevitable. Drugs and counseling always made more more depressed (and believe me I've seen enough of both). I guess I'm posting this while I'm still able to hold back the strongest feelings I've repressed, and I haven't felt I could tell anyone I still had these thoughts since I was 15. If anyone has dealt with something similar, let me know if there's a way to reverse this.
Just Wondering (no rush)
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I am actually in a very similar situation. I live in the midwest US. I'm a 20 year old male, and also attempted suicide before age 12, only once. Then again at age 17.
The first incident was swept under the rug, and the second required me to be hospitalized. I was in the ICU for several days for heart irregularities and then the psych ward for a week. Over the course of my stay, I was given seroquel, depakote, and lexapro. The anti-psychotics were to try and calm me down; I'm not normally an "explosive" person, in fact I'm quite the opposite.
I was also prescribed lexapro and regular therapy as a long term solution to my "depression". I'm loathe to call it that though, because as I understand it a depression is when someone who generally stays above an emotional baseline suddenly dips below it for a length of time. This "depression" is my baseline; it's all I've ever known, whether I let other people know it or not.
I've come to the conclusion that I'll wait until my parents are dead to actually go through with it. I try to assure myself that if in the interim it stays as it has for essentially as long as I can remember, that I'll have at least given it a chance to get better.
I've been trying new things of late to try and keep busy, or to keep up the front that I have some interest in the world that gets me out of bed in the morning. Over the past year I've lost approximately 50lbs and I went and tried to sign up for the US Marine Corps and the US Army. Both turned me down, adding that "Due to past psychiatric episodes, you cannot be considered for serving in the armed forces."
This is my life.
-j
The first incident was swept under the rug, and the second required me to be hospitalized. I was in the ICU for several days for heart irregularities and then the psych ward for a week. Over the course of my stay, I was given seroquel, depakote, and lexapro. The anti-psychotics were to try and calm me down; I'm not normally an "explosive" person, in fact I'm quite the opposite.
I was also prescribed lexapro and regular therapy as a long term solution to my "depression". I'm loathe to call it that though, because as I understand it a depression is when someone who generally stays above an emotional baseline suddenly dips below it for a length of time. This "depression" is my baseline; it's all I've ever known, whether I let other people know it or not.
I've come to the conclusion that I'll wait until my parents are dead to actually go through with it. I try to assure myself that if in the interim it stays as it has for essentially as long as I can remember, that I'll have at least given it a chance to get better.
I've been trying new things of late to try and keep busy, or to keep up the front that I have some interest in the world that gets me out of bed in the morning. Over the past year I've lost approximately 50lbs and I went and tried to sign up for the US Marine Corps and the US Army. Both turned me down, adding that "Due to past psychiatric episodes, you cannot be considered for serving in the armed forces."
This is my life.
-j
Yeah, in the last few years, I was getting more and more bothered by the common saying, "suicide is the most selfish thing you can do," but I never felt that way. But when you sit down and really rationalize the act of killing yourself, you do see the people you would hurt or bother, parents or even whoever's gotta find (and maybe cleanup) your body. So I tried to tell myself to wait until my parents passed (especially because my mom herself is a bit unstable), but that could be a long time. And then you're literally waiting for your parents to die (even though it's for their sake), it makes you feel like a terrible person. I know there's no way for a parent to understand this, but if suicide would end years of pain/frustration/confusion/self-loathing/anger/apathy all in one go, it's to my benefit, and they should be okay with that if they truly loved and understood me.
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The words you are using are very familiar to me. If it's not too personal, please could you express your feelings for your parents.
Not the stuff you tell them, and not the stuff you told the "professionals" - think back over your life and ponder your interaction with your parents ... without using the phrase "they did the best they could".
I might be well off the mark here, but the fact your parents are unaware of your situation and the fact you don't want to inconvenience them with your problems ...
It took until I was 25 before I realised that my feelings of non-worth were the result of my parents treating me with no worth (though I had no idea that this was how I was being treated, I honestly thought they were great parents). The shrinks never worked that out and that is why every course of drugs they put me on failed.
Not the stuff you tell them, and not the stuff you told the "professionals" - think back over your life and ponder your interaction with your parents ... without using the phrase "they did the best they could".
I might be well off the mark here, but the fact your parents are unaware of your situation and the fact you don't want to inconvenience them with your problems ...
It took until I was 25 before I realised that my feelings of non-worth were the result of my parents treating me with no worth (though I had no idea that this was how I was being treated, I honestly thought they were great parents). The shrinks never worked that out and that is why every course of drugs they put me on failed.
I actually had a pretty good upbringing, and I was cared for dearly. Even though my parents separated, they both still loved me and tried to help me through my troubles. The separation itself didn't depress me, because they fought constantly and it was for the best, but as a result of the fighting I invested too much of my feelings into my first girlfriend. And at such an age she wasn't ready for that serious of emotion, again this was just a catalyst to a cold, emotionlessly objective, intospective trip that lead to my first attempt. I've tried just to ease into a conversation explaining myself with both parents, but my mom starts to get insecure and blaming herself, and my dad feels helpless and just suggests psychology. Like I said before though, I feel that this matter has nothing to do with my parents (it's just that their care is hinderance and makes me feel more guilty). My suicidal thoughts stem mostly from my depersonalization, dysphoria, apathy and a general fatigue I feel from living itself.
It's like you've read my journal from six years ago ... I mean seven, damn I'm getting old ...
I hate it when people say "text-book case of" like they know what it actually feels like. But I'd focus on your relationship with your parents long and hard with a decent professional, but more importantly, with other people you can trust regarding what they think of your upbringing/current relationship.
I hate it when people say "text-book case of" like they know what it actually feels like. But I'd focus on your relationship with your parents long and hard with a decent professional, but more importantly, with other people you can trust regarding what they think of your upbringing/current relationship.
I thank you for the advice, but I highly doubt that a stronger understanding of my relationship with my parents would make me care anymore, or somehow cure me of my intense disdain towards reality. I feel the suggestion alone kind of belittles my true reasons, and annoys me a bit. That's also why psychologists always bothered me, it's almost like with every diagnosis they're making on you, they're calling you a liar. No matter how much time I've spent contemplating my objective existence versus my subjective existence, they feel that they are able to sum up all of my heart and soul into a simple relation to another case based on my upbringing or current relationships, upon mere minutes of knowing me. Like I'm some kind of thoughtless slave to my subconsious unable to do anything purely on how feel, that simple-minded arrogance angers me greatly.
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