Ever since I was little, I've never been able to answer the question, "why should I care?" I attempted suicide twice before turning 12 (using presciption drugs) now I'm 23 and my feelings towards nonexistence haven't changed. I suppose due to the failure of the first two, I've been wary of trying again simply because I've learned that failure is followed by a great deal of outside intervention, and I wanted to be sure I could do it without remorse. I've lived with these feelings as I long as I have by forcing so much apathy and distraction upon myself, but I still see suicide as an eventuality, optimistically even. I think I've also been subconciously trying to become a worse person to make it easier to go through with it. For several months now, though, I've thought of suicide several times a day, and I've been having dreams involving suicide. So, I'm thinking I'm running out of ability to avoid what feels inevitable. Drugs and counseling always made more more depressed (and believe me I've seen enough of both). I guess I'm posting this while I'm still able to hold back the strongest feelings I've repressed, and I haven't felt I could tell anyone I still had these thoughts since I was 15. If anyone has dealt with something similar, let me know if there's a way to reverse this.