just wondering...

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by angelica, May 26, 2009.

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  1. angelica

    angelica New Member


    This is my first post on this website, and I have to be honest i'm feeling a little stupid. I feel like this stupid little whiney kid, and in some respects thats probably exactly what I am. So i'm sorry for this.

    I just wanted to know if im normal, or not. If everyone feels this?

    I don't feel suicidal but i wish i was dead - does that make sense to anyone? No. Probably not. I haven't got the courage to kill myself, although i've thought about it a lot, but i don't have the courage to be alive either. I just feel hollow, apathetic and like theres no point in the future. I cry alone at night wishing i would never wake up in the morning. I used to cut and burn myself and no-one ever noticed and I think thats why I did it. To see how much my parents noticed. But they don't notice anything. They only see their own narrow lives.

    I'm only 17 and i'm about to start applying to universities but i don't even want to go, my parents expect me to.. but then i know they're right, if i don't go i will have no future worth living. I think if i die then i won't have to put up with either.

    I don't have anyone to live for. My family and friends would be upset if i died, im sure of it. And yet, they don't need me to function. I am not essential. They would move on.

    Everyone says that your teenage years are the best ones of your life, and if they are right, then i really don't want to move on to adulthood. I don't think I could cope if my life got any more meaningless than it is now.

    I'm sorry for venting on your forum... but i've kept these feelings bottled up for so long, I just wanted to tell someone. Thanks for the airtime. :wink:

  2. MeAndYou

    MeAndYou Well-Known Member

    Well i think in the bigger picture every one of us is a little whiny but dont let that downplay the severity of depression, and the importance of your feelings. And everyone reacts differently to different situations...so its all pretty subjective.

    I know exactly how you feel (i think). I know the beauty of life and how wonderful it can be, but i know how horrible it can be too. I want to try to try but then i wonder what the point is. I see how fortunate i am but hten i wonder why I am sad? I feel theres no meaning in life except the meaning i give it, but am too indifferent (maybe thast the wrong word) to want to. I dont know what im seeking and if its even worth it.

    Well first of all...you're only 17. You cant be expected to understand everything (even at age 80), but you def. cant be expected to be calm and collected during this time in your life. You're just beginning to realize life isnt exactly you thought it was (for better or worse), and it takes many people an entire lifetime to figure out what makes them most happy.

    Your parents probably expect you to further your education based on the principles theyve held on to in their older years of life. A better education presents more promising opportunities on the career realm of life, as well as social opportunities. You're only 17, so of course you're not going to know what you want to study, where you want to study it, or even if you want to study at all. Thats perfectly normal.

    A future worth living is something very subjective (in my opinion). I may see a homeless man on the street and say "wow i dont want to be like that" and that may even inspire me to seek out a career. But that homeless man could be one of the happiest people i've ever met had i stopped and spoken to him. He could be perfectly at peace with the way his life turned out.

    Well i'm not sure what you mean by no one needs you to function. If that means you arent counted on to take someone somewhere, or bring an income to the household, then count that as a blessing...You're still young. If that makes you feel unworthy, or like you dont have a purpose, well thats probably because you haven't found what your purpose is yet. It doesnt exactly just come knocking on your door (most of the time). Going to university may be just what you need to experience things you like and dislike, and sort of prune away the possibilities to find the ones more attractive/worthwhile/meaningful to you.

    As far as moving on...thats pretty much what everyone has to do when someone dies (the world keeps spinning). But you never get over it and it can be an incredible burden. Think about what that would do to the ones you love and the ones that love you.

    Well its good to have someone to talk to, even if you're just venting and want someone to simply listen. No harm in that so no reason to feel bad at all. And SF is a very welcoming place anyway! :arms:

    You're right though. Thats a popular theme in people "My highschool years were the best." I think a lot of this stems from the fact that in highschool your responsibilities are (for the most part) few and far between, and usually only effect your own well being/life. When you are older you have many more responsibilities (of course this all depends) but also in many cases your own family to support, or even loved ones that are getting older and require more help.

    I dont think this statement is meant to say that you cant be the happiest person youve ever been later on in life, or that you cant succeed or have fun. In fact, to say that the most enjoyment in life is experienced during high school would be naive, as high school is just the beginning.

    You're still young, you recognize that. But i think you should also recognize that while the future may be dark and unclear and incredibly overwhelming, it doesnt mean it has to be bad or boring. It doesnt mean you should avoid it.

    PS. Welcome to SF! PM me if you ever want to talk about anything. Lifes a bitch...but we all know dogs are mans best friend :wink: (i know..lame)
  3. angelica

    angelica New Member

    Thank you so much.. just for reading what I had to say, and for not telling me i'm stupid. Its meant a lot.
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