Just worthless

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by InnerStrength, Sep 23, 2006.

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  1. InnerStrength

    InnerStrength Well-Known Member

    I feel so worthless sometimes, don't know how to change it. I've been on several different medications for depression and anxiety, even antipsychotics for questioning reality and experiencing mild hallucinations.

    On top of my mental problems, I have a multitude of physical complications. Including mild to severe back problems, and a nagging, fierce pain in my right hand. So, I've been in worse shape now than in my entire life, and it only seems to get worse.

    I've never had any social relationships with anyone. I have no friends, mainly because I push everyone away due to constant paranoia and seeing things in black and white terms which severly influence how I act around other people. Mostly apathetic and withdrawn. As a result, I feel utterly torpid and worthless. I also have a short attention span that makes me seem incompetent in most tasks, which only fuels my beliefs.

    Getting up everyday is an extreme challenge because I don't see the point. For the past several years, I've had suicidal thoughts almost everyday and they only seem to increase with time. I feel hollowed out on the inside, yet very petulant. Every single day merely increases that irritation to the point where I want to explode.

    I'll understand if no one replies to this post, it's not something most people can relate to. I just wanted to get my "feelings" out.
  2. allofme

    allofme Staff Alumni

    i am a bit stuck in my head right now and cant put together amy meaningful reply but i hear you and i do relate...
  3. Shinigami

    Shinigami Member

    If you will allow me to contribute my perspective:

    I don't believe that anyone is worthless. While I admit that there are those who I find favor in compared to others, I believe that everyone has a worth (and by worth, I mean nothing little!) I'm sure you mean a lot to your family. Regardless, I don't believe one's worth is based upon how many friends they have or how few conditions towards their physical and or mental health they have. Rather, I believe that one is as worth as much as they make themselves as.

    In other words, do the most that you can with your life! Rather than looking at all the problems you have, try being a bit more optimistic and tackle on obstacles that your problems don't hinder you from! Or better-try overcoming the obstacles WITH your problems.

    Find a dream! What do you want to be? What do you want to do? Greatness does not require physical fitness-greatness is what you wish it to be. I don't believe you're worthless; I just think you don't know where you want to head in your life. If you sit back and lament at what you can't do, what time will you spare for all the things you can do? I apologize if I'm not making much sense; I am a bit tired and about to retire momentarily. I am just trying to emphasize that you should find a dream and pursue it. This way, your life will seem like it's not really worthless after all. Your value is not based on the productivity you have to offer to others. We weren't born into this world to live our life for other people; our life is ours to live, and ours to live alone.

    I'd like to hear any comments you have with respect to this post, or at least a reply to hear you're feeling a bit better about yourself!
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 23, 2006
  4. InnerStrength

    InnerStrength Well-Known Member

    I appreciate the attempts to make me feel better, but I still feel worthless.

    What do I want to be? Nothing, really. I'd rather sleep all day. I know that I would never be good at anything. Death permeates all my thoughts to the point of intellectual extinction.

    I'm nothing but a cruel, bitter, mean person. It's torture to wake up everyday, between the physical and mental pain. I don't have friends because I literally hate most people. Maybe because they are just as bitter as me.

    I despise my life right now. Everytime I think about suicide I get happy. I'd rather be dead than live this shattered existance.
  5. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Wow.. are you me? I am not just joking either. I myself have had a very similar existence. I have never had any friends in my life because I am scared of people. Mainly because between the ages of 5 and 14 I was constantly used and betrayed.

    So I developed this overly sarcastic non-social additude to protect myself from the hurt that many people caused me. And this was easy to mantain, fear of betrayal mad it such. And now it is just second nature to me. I step outside of my room and I become this other persona. You get used to it really...

    I have never been on drugs. But I find the best place to make friends and be safe is to talk your mind and let out your feelings... as annoying as they are.
  6. Maybe by answering the question "Why haven't you taken your life yet?" will reveal something worthwhile in your life? Is there something in your life that you care about that hinders you from following through? Exactly what has held you back from taking the last step?

    Btw, I know what you mean about feeling "happy" when you think of exiting. Me too.

  7. Shinigami

    Shinigami Member

    That's understandable. Even if I did manage enlighten you a little as to how you could feel less worthless, I'm sure you wouldn't right away feel worthless no more.

    Please forgive my arguementative nature, but is it truly intellectually honest to say that you know you will never be good at anything? There are thousands and thousands of possible job occupations. I don't think it's fair to say you won't be good at anything, if you don't give "anything" a chance. A quote I like follows as "Can a man truly try, if he doesn't believe he can succeed?" There are innumerable things out there for you to try, so why give up before the battle has even been fought? I don't believe you have the right to say that you will never be good at anything until at the least you have tried everything.

    Would you mind telling me why you consider yourself a cruel and/or mean person? As well, if it would not pose a mental bother to you, could I inquire of your age?
  8. joce

    joce Active Member

    Well, I think it's something most suicidal people relate to. We're all programmed to be something. You could stop trying for a while and just be still. I know if I go and hide away from the world for a while I usually get a second wind and rise again. I know I'm really lucky that I don't have to work and so can spend long periods under the duvet. I'm eating chocolate at the moment and if you were here would give you some
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 24, 2006
  9. InnerStrength

    InnerStrength Well-Known Member

    You could be right, I don't know. I simply meant with this overwhelming depression, it's hard to be intellectual. And with my ADD traits, it makes it difficult to be could at anything.

    I'm 21, and could I ask why you felt like asking? I'm curious as to what my age would reveal.

    As for why I consider myself a cruel person, well, because I am one. I've taken quite a bit verbally from other family members, so my basic social attitude is "f*ck you!" And I do insult others as a habitua protection. Sort of like "I'll sting you before you sting me," except the the need for the protection is illusory.

    Forgotten_Man said: Wow.. are you me?

    Don't insult yourself.
  10. Shinigami

    Shinigami Member

    I understand very well how hard it can be to make sense of things while you're depressed, and as such I hoped merely to point such a thing out to you. You know, I used to have ADD myself. Well, on a technicality, ADHD. I know how it can seem to deter you from what you wish to do at times, but I think ADD is also something that can be worked around, regardless of who you are.

    Why don't you do yourself a favor. Why don't you job-shadow someone from an ocupation you've never tried. Just for kicks. Or do a google search and experiment around with things. Surely you haven't given yourself at least some consideration with what occupation you'd be if you chose to be one. Worst comes to worst, you could just work a Fast Food job 40 hours a week whilst enjoying television, games, and so forth on your time off.

    I wanted to know, so I could tell you that at 21 there is still so much you can do with your life for such a young age. I also had wanted to tell you that there were still plenty of chances left for you to overcome this "feeling of being worthless" and not to give up just yet!

    That doesn't make a person cruel. Actions don't define morality-intentions do. How is it cruel for you to try to protect yourself? Whether it is illusory or not, you're still protecting yourself, and you're not insulting others with the intent of harm-rather, the intent to protection on your behalf. Won't you reconsider your outlook on yourself?
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