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just writing it down

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by 8125, Apr 21, 2010.

  1. 8125

    8125 Well-Known Member

    just need to let a few things out.

    my life is pointless. i used to have so much ambition. i wanted to really go places and i was prepared to work for it. it was one of the things people knew me for - practically my defining feature.
    i miss it a bit. but i just don't care anymore. what's the point of getting to the top if you can't enjoy being there?
    i'm scared that i'm going to do badly in my a-levels, but not because it'll mean that i can't go to imperial next year, only because people expect me to do well and i won't be able to explain why if i don't.
    a place at imperial is pretty much the chance of a lifetime. but i'm just not interested anymore.
    everyone still thinks i'm ambitious and that i'm gonna be successful. have that penthouse flat on the thames and all that. i'll keep up the pretence until everyone goes off to uni and then i can just disappear.

    dunno about my dad though. i can't tell him how bad things have got. i've stopped picking up the phone when he calls. i keep my mobile turned off now so i don't have to speak to him. i feel bad, but i can't bare to have him know.

    few people would actually miss me if i weren't here. i mean, i guess the people i know would be sad if i committed suicide, but because it was suicide if that makes sense. they'd feel bad that i was so depressed i had to do that. but if i just weren't here, they wouldn't mind. i'm just not that close to the people i know.
    two friends need me as a person to confide in and comfort them when they're sad. i know more about both of them than anyone else does. they would miss me, but even then i suppose it's more because they need me, rather than they particularly like me.

    i wish that just for a moment my mum would stop talking to me about work and whatever and ask how i am or something. she's never been particularly sympathetic but she's never shied away from my depression. lately though she's just been ignoring it, even though i know it's more obvious than ever. i've dropped the facade in front of her. maybe she's bored of it. maybe she just doesn't care anymore.
    i just want a hug from her. or for her to sit with me for a bit. how pathetic is that...

    not expecting replies to this, just wanted to write it down. sorry to rant.
  2. Rukia

    Rukia Well-Known Member

  3. deadtoeveryone

    deadtoeveryone Active Member

    it is not pathetic at all.. i just want to say that every though we dont really know each other and we havent talked much i care... your posts have been really halepful and have helped me keep going.. you are a special person not only to me, but i can bet to a lot of people on here and at home. maybe you could sit your mom down and say hey mom we need to talk.. she may not normally be sympathetic but im sure she wants to know whats going on.. a lot of times people forget what they have until they lose it.. you are a precious gem that has been there for so long and has helped people out so much that people have gotten comfortable.. they have forgotten how special you really are.. because we are people and we become complacent... i am sure if you tell her you need to talk to her she ll listen and she ll care.. i wish people werent like that.. i wish people would show each other how much they care, it would make life so much easier.. hun you seem like a really great person and it would be a grave loss for this world if you left. i dont really know what to say about your loss of ambition and drive.. but i guess try and push yourself.. even though you dont want to.. convince yourself you do.. make yourself want it again.. see if it works.. i hope things get better for you. and dont forget that we all care about you here.. i care about you.