just need to let a few things out. my life is pointless. i used to have so much ambition. i wanted to really go places and i was prepared to work for it. it was one of the things people knew me for - practically my defining feature. i miss it a bit. but i just don't care anymore. what's the point of getting to the top if you can't enjoy being there? i'm scared that i'm going to do badly in my a-levels, but not because it'll mean that i can't go to imperial next year, only because people expect me to do well and i won't be able to explain why if i don't. a place at imperial is pretty much the chance of a lifetime. but i'm just not interested anymore. everyone still thinks i'm ambitious and that i'm gonna be successful. have that penthouse flat on the thames and all that. i'll keep up the pretence until everyone goes off to uni and then i can just disappear. dunno about my dad though. i can't tell him how bad things have got. i've stopped picking up the phone when he calls. i keep my mobile turned off now so i don't have to speak to him. i feel bad, but i can't bare to have him know. few people would actually miss me if i weren't here. i mean, i guess the people i know would be sad if i committed suicide, but because it was suicide if that makes sense. they'd feel bad that i was so depressed i had to do that. but if i just weren't here, they wouldn't mind. i'm just not that close to the people i know. two friends need me as a person to confide in and comfort them when they're sad. i know more about both of them than anyone else does. they would miss me, but even then i suppose it's more because they need me, rather than they particularly like me. i wish that just for a moment my mum would stop talking to me about work and whatever and ask how i am or something. she's never been particularly sympathetic but she's never shied away from my depression. lately though she's just been ignoring it, even though i know it's more obvious than ever. i've dropped the facade in front of her. maybe she's bored of it. maybe she just doesn't care anymore. i just want a hug from her. or for her to sit with me for a bit. how pathetic is that... not expecting replies to this, just wanted to write it down. sorry to rant.