Justifiable suicide

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Alastair, Jan 12, 2008.

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  1. Alastair

    Alastair Well-Known Member

    Hello there...

    My name, for the purposes of this site and as a partial reflection of myself, is alastair. You can call me alastair. I am 20yrs old and, as i understand it, a rather...different individual, so please bear with me.

    firstly i should tell that i find it extremely difficult verbalizing my deepest, darkest shadows so in all likelyhood i may be rather vague and hard to understand. again, please bear with me.

    i have recently turned to the internet for guidance as i search for an answer to my question.

    to die or not to die? that is the question.

    rather provocative wouldn't you say? :p

    no doubt your first impulse is to tell me no everything will be fine, get help, it's not the end etc. but this goes deeper than simple (i use the term loosely)
    depression/anxiety although i do suffer these things.

    >note. a thought occurs. i feel that problems such as depression etc are acceptable issues and problems for others but for myself....you get the picture.<

    i have been to a psychiatrist, been on anti-depressants and anti-psychotics. i was unable to relenquish the horrors of my mind to the good doctor

    i have had allergic reactions to almost all the meds i've been had so far. the best meds i've had happens to be cannabis, i know i know drug psychosis and all that jazz but do not apply what you have heard to me, at the moment cannabis keeps me mostly sane and alive. so don't bother regaling me with its side effects

    now, lets get one thing straight.

    I dont WANT to die. full stop. :p

    But life for me presents a very real danger not just to myself but to others around me related and unrelated, loved or otherwise.

    There are...creations in my head that have become rather...enamoured with me aaaaand i'm kinda losing control of the situation.

    I know i should go see a doctor/whatever and try therapy/medication etc

    But even if i did...i dont know if i can let go of it or it of me.

    I will have to leave it at that for the moment. Unfortunately i seem to have hit a mental block which is in itself a little disappointing seeing as this the most i've been able to say on the matter but be patient...more will come.
  2. Reki

    Reki Well-Known Member

    Sounds like a pretty complex problem. Rather than a doctor, I'd say try looking for depressive groups, get-togethers and that sort of thing in real life and you might feel better understood. Shrinks are great and all but all they really do is try and help you understand the problem and advise you on how to fix it, sometimes an understanding friend can do a better job. I'd say try not to think about it so much as well, do things to keep busy and just chill out, or try to. Everyone deals with things differently, what is manageable to someone might be too much to cope with for someone else, I think trying to meet people who suffer from similar feelings would be a good idea. Not just online, there's only so much someone across the screen can do for you, you need solid, human company.
  3. Alastair

    Alastair Well-Known Member

    i cant do the group thing and i am unable to trust family and friends with this problem or at the very least am unable to divulge details.

    for the moment i am happy with a computer screen.

    it hurts to much to talk about. there is a war in my head with multiple protagonists (only word i could think of) each vying for complete control

    every now and then control shifts and...i'm like somebody else..different again

    suicide seems the good and honourable thing to do, i just haven't been convinced 100% yet.

    i don't wanna play anymore...my knee hurts :p
  4. WhyMeWhy

    WhyMeWhy Well-Known Member

    I say this from time to time:

    "You're sounding far too intellegent to leave the world in the manner of a suicide"

    And I mean it(no offense to everyone I have not said it to)....... as for the "war in your head" I cannot reccomend any "route of travel" atm. To me you seem rather sane & comprehendable. And you know what's going on inside...... I believe it is those who do not know their own level of sanity that cause the most damage.

    These words are all I have to offer, & it is a pittance, I apologise completely.
  5. Alastair

    Alastair Well-Known Member

    i like ya mate :)

    i'm really high tho :p

    i'm don't no know if i'm looking for a route per se

    i believe myself to be sane and comprehendable and believe i have some idea as to what's going on inside. there are brief moments such as this when i am me, of a kind, and i can see what happens in my head like i'ts somebody else

    what i see is crazy...of a kind :)

    and should never be released

    but parts of me...like it

    my last hope for victory is death

    i struggle to write this out of fear of...judgement, by others and most of all myself

    in part im here to leave behind...a record, to show that i tried

    i write for myself

    i can't believe i just wrote all that

  6. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    You'll never be judged here. Only good souls that want to help anyway they can. Thanks for sharing and hope you are able to continue.
  7. Alastair

    Alastair Well-Known Member

    i feel like real dropkick aye
  8. Alastair

    Alastair Well-Known Member

    i wonder sometimes if it is my destiny to fail

    if destiny exists, do you think it can be rewritten?
  9. immure

    immure Account Closed

    do you fully beleave all the words you sling together like a well woven vail. they have become. i sence that deseption is in the mist. don t forget who you r for a moment.
  10. Alastair

    Alastair Well-Known Member


    i cant tell if your suggesting i'm lying to you or lying to myself

    i can understand it if you think i'm pulling your leg

    looking back it just looks fucked up beyond all reason

    i felt like kicking myself after i wrote it
  11. nightangel

    nightangel Member

    >note. a thought occurs. i feel that problems such as depression etc are acceptable issues and problems for others but for myself....you get the picture.<

    do you mean by this that depression is understandable and acceptable for other people, but not yourself? Don't you think that you're being a bit harsh.... setting yourself up for failure, etc?

    Just a though...
  12. Alastair

    Alastair Well-Known Member

    i understand what you mean but i cant seem to let go of it

    just makes it all the more crushing
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