Hello there... My name, for the purposes of this site and as a partial reflection of myself, is alastair. You can call me alastair. I am 20yrs old and, as i understand it, a rather...different individual, so please bear with me. firstly i should tell that i find it extremely difficult verbalizing my deepest, darkest shadows so in all likelyhood i may be rather vague and hard to understand. again, please bear with me. i have recently turned to the internet for guidance as i search for an answer to my question. to die or not to die? that is the question. rather provocative wouldn't you say? no doubt your first impulse is to tell me no everything will be fine, get help, it's not the end etc. but this goes deeper than simple (i use the term loosely) depression/anxiety although i do suffer these things. >note. a thought occurs. i feel that problems such as depression etc are acceptable issues and problems for others but for myself....you get the picture.< i have been to a psychiatrist, been on anti-depressants and anti-psychotics. i was unable to relenquish the horrors of my mind to the good doctor i have had allergic reactions to almost all the meds i've been had so far. the best meds i've had happens to be cannabis, i know i know drug psychosis and all that jazz but do not apply what you have heard to me, at the moment cannabis keeps me mostly sane and alive. so don't bother regaling me with its side effects now, lets get one thing straight. I dont WANT to die. full stop. But life for me presents a very real danger not just to myself but to others around me related and unrelated, loved or otherwise. There are...creations in my head that have become rather...enamoured with me aaaaand i'm kinda losing control of the situation. I know i should go see a doctor/whatever and try therapy/medication etc But even if i did...i dont know if i can let go of it or it of me. I will have to leave it at that for the moment. Unfortunately i seem to have hit a mental block which is in itself a little disappointing seeing as this the most i've been able to say on the matter but be patient...more will come.