keep asking myself...

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by Sa Palomera, Apr 24, 2007.

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  1. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    this might turn into a whole lot of rambling, but I just keep asking myself the same questions over and over again and I can't seem to find the answer, anywhere...

    Why now? I mean like... she died when I was 10 months, like 18,5 years ago, then why does it all hurt so much since this New Year. I mean it's always been there, the pain. As long as I remember, though obviously different when I was younger. When I was like 6 or 7 I would be like 'well I don't have a mummy' but I had a stepmum and didnt know any different, Ididnt know what it was like to have my real mum and didn't really care. I had my family (dad, sister, stepmum) and was content. I mean at that age you don't really think about it that much, at least I didn't. Then around the age of like 10/11/12 I started thinking about it more, like why me? what exactly happened? and stuff like that. What would it have been like if...? blabla that sorta stuff..

    and of course eversince it's been coming in waves. like a few months it's less (of course there never goes a day by without thinking of her), and then it's like a bit heaver for like a month. but this time it's differently. it's been there eversince New Year and I keep wondering why?
    Is it because I had such a great time the two weeks before New Year with three lovely visitors and my housemates and all and them leaving january 2nd made it come back? Is it because of all the shit with my dad?

    and then there's like.. tons more questions.. :sad:
    Like. if I'd do a seance, would that help me?
    if I would go to this woman who has 'contact' with the deaths (she really does, my friend has visited her several times and the woman told her things she couldnt know), would that help me? or would it only make it worse?
    and if I'd go to this other person, would they really be able to feel whats wrong with me? And if I take the advice they told my housemate to tell me: sitting on a chair with a picture of Mum in front of me, will I really find out what's wrong with me then? will she really tell me?

    If i'd go to the doctor, would they laugh in my face? would they put me on meds? and if so, then what meds? same as my dad?

    if mum were still alive, would my dad have been differntly then?
    if mum were still alive, would my sis have been differently then?
    if mum were still alive, would I have been differently then?
    if mum were still alive, would I have been here at all then?
    if mum were still alive, would she be the way I think she would?
    if mum were still alive.....

    I'm going insane.

    this "person" is taking me over more often and it gets heavier every time. Like now i just seem to .. fall asleep for a sec and when I wake up I have typed up all kinds of stuff, which actually makes perfect sense to me, but I cant remember typing it up. I have msn convo's where half of what I say, I cant remember having said.

    what the hell is goin on?

    Maybe I should have another hashcookie and let that "other" side get stronger ?? see what happens then? :unsure:
     
  2. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    maybe this "other side" happens as a result of the hashcookies? though the first time it occurred was weeks after my last hashcookie and it still happens eventhough I'm back on hashcookies. :unsure:
     
  3. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Ok, the missing your mum thing..I think its cos you are finding life and self so difficult to deal with at the mo that your head has taken you to a 'it would all be better if' place.
    The need to be loved unconditionally...apparently thats what mums do:dry:
    Having a mother who wouldnt know what unconditional meant..I can only comment on myself as a mum..and yes I love my son unconditionally..dont always like him very much..but yeah I love him no matter what.
    You missed out on that one Est and tho my mother isnt dead can still relate to how sad it is not to have know that unconditional love..cos I never had it either.

    The other person taking over thing..hmmm sounds like your unconscious is trying to tell you something..maybe u need to read all the stuff u dont remember writing to find out what its trying to tell you.

    And NO..no decent doctor will laugh in your face..make the damn appointment.
    :hug:
     
  4. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    thanks for the reply, Terry means a lot. I guess you're right about the mum thing, but.. it's so damn hard. I was doing better concerning the mum thing, still not good, but it was getting better, but then things like what happened in chat tick me off and I'm back at that horrible point again. Where I just keep thinking about how much I'd want to be with her, just lay in her arms and cry like a fuckin baby.

    and I have been reading what I said but it just goes on about punishment, red rivers (the first time it happened) and what the hell I said this morning was all about "focus on others" "I have to focus" and stuff like that... At the moment I like 'wake up', it makes perfect sense, like I said. but now it doesn't . or I'm just confused.

    gah it's so fucking hard. I just need that warm mother's embrace. its like everything will be better then. I know it won't. But at least it will for a bit, as long as the hug lasts.

    :cry:
     
  5. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Go to the bloody DOCS woman !!!!
     
  6. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    i know. I'm scared.

    I actually went there to register (yes I know I live here now since end of august, still havent registered at the doc) few weeks ago, but they wanted me to take some forms home which I had to fill in. but there were some questions on it which I didnt know the answer to, and which I had to ask my parents. I emailed them about that and all I got back was something like "I dont know the answer to that, and you don't need to fill in a form, they can get your file via the doc here"

    it's like they bloody do everything they can to like make things evne harder for me :sad:
     
  7. matt :)

    matt :) Guest

    I think Terry is about right...

    you're trying to get better, and part of that process is to stop blaming yourself for everything, but it's still very hard for us to accept that things still just happen.

    You imagine your mother as the perfect angel who would protect you from all that is evil and it's allowed you to blame everything on the sole incident of loosing her.

    It's obviously also comforting to believe that someone loves you completely, and as terry said, unconditionally.

    It might sound a little harsh but the fact that your mum is dead, means that you can believe that of her and no one can ever prove otherwise.

    It's very powerful, even when you feel like a monster, like the whole world hates you, it's a single voice of love, for you to hold on to, to listen to and remember that the thoughts in your head aren't true, that she loves you and no matter what you've ever done or ever might do she always will.

    Also before you go for a seance please do some research on a technique called "cold reading"
     
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