I'm not sure how coherent this is going to be... Wow, I started trying to type something, and ended up staring at the screen for ten minutes. I don't know what to say. I don't know why I seem to always end up back in the same place. I mean, it's not like my personal or professional lives have gone down the toilet. It's more like the realization that even though things have improved around me, because I do work hard and try to be good to other people, I still feel exactally the same. I still feel nothing. And when I do feel something it's the same impulse to rid myself of mental limbo. I don't laugh. I don't smile. I don't experience levity; not like other people I know. When I do, it's just to cover the tears I'd be shedding otherwise. I hate being around other people, because my presence feels toxic. It's like they emotionally rot when they're around me. It makes me want to end every relationship I have, just so I can keep that feeling away. It's bad enough to suffer on your own, but when that suffering spreads to someone you care about, what the hell are you supposed to do then? Medication keeps me just stable enough to be a diligent worker bee. Decent mental health services are impossible to seek out in my state. There are so many hoops to jump through, and I just don't have the energy. So I fill my perscription and go one my way. I'm in pretty good physical shape, yet on the weekends I sleep for 12 hours a day. I'd do the same during the week if I had a choice. I'd really just like to go to sleep and just never wake up.