Hey kp80 and APYBFJS - happiness does not come easy to some people, especially if you have depression.
As for not wanting to kill yourself and instead just not wanting to be here - I guess everyone feels that at some point - our journey on the high road of life does lead us down some dark roads - dangerous ones also - but even if you wake up today and feel the same as yesterday - at least you have the chance to make a change.
Of course, life is more likely to change for the better IF we can get along with people. Even with depression, this is possible. Just 'waiting' for a change - that might not work as a job won't mysteriously appear before our eye - nor will love - a true natural cure that makes you happy, be found if your just sitting around waiting for life to change and maybe email you or something!
Seriously though - when life is at the stage of you being down on a daily basis - you got to take several steps to try and fight back. Sure, its not easy - but in many ways it is easier than just sitting around or drifting through life.
I know what you mean APYBFJS about tomorrow being the start of a new era - I've wondered at times if this would happen to me. Being in my late 40s I've seen a few new eras in my life - unexpected jobs, unexpected women!, plenty of parties and good times also.
There will be times you wake up and your world has changed.
Sometimes, all it takes is just getting up out of bed, going to wherever you go - getting home, and doing whatever you do - with a rule that you do things which you don't feel like doing - boring social events, family gatherings and maybe a school outing or social.
Don't wait for life to change - because it will, and life is an ongoing process of change in which the individual sometimes feels overwhelmed by. The more things we can do in our own lives, be it education and work, raising families and looking after ourselves, the better.
A happy life is usually a busy life.
You would not wait for love would you? If you got on with someone like house on fire and shared common interests, and hit it off - your best plan would be to go on the charm offensive. Send in the poems!
Waiting for life to change, is pointless, as it will change regardless. All you can do is to be around people, to connect to certain interests and activities which you like. You will gain much needed social confidence, and be able to fit in anywhere because the skill sets for doing this are easily learnt via experience.
Despite having depression a couple of decades at least, I've managed to be a success in a few fields, with some recognition for doing so. I've held down decent jobs, supervised people and been involved with quasi legal stuff, camapaigns and issues of local and national interest. Music also - I've got plenty of time to start a new band - let it live and breathe again!
And as for women - it could happen any day for you or me both. And if its the right one - THAT does make your tomorrow seem like its almost a new planet - let alone a new era of life.
So, there are things to hope for - everyone has their own skills and talents in life. Everyone has a purpose - and it would be clearer to us if not for idiot governments and politicians who create a situation in which many of us have no employment and also face cuts in public services which impact on the poor and middle classes, not the super rich who control most of the world via their banks and financial scheming.
Anyhow, lecture over!
Tomorrow. I hope you can wake up a bit early - and at least go out for a while - do some shopping, or maybe visit someone. Good luck and keep holding the fort!
Yours from England, Land of the Bee and home of the rave