Keep ending up in the same place

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by kp80, May 26, 2011.

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  1. kp80

    kp80 Member

    I dont know what else to do anymore. It feels like no matter what I do I am wrong. I keep trying and trying and all I want is to feel happy. I am ok for a few days and then I always end up back in the same place alone and crying. I am tired of crying. I am to the point where I am just so tired of everything. Its hard to explain but its not that I want to kill myself exactly. I cant picture myself really doing it. I just dont want to be alive anymore. Its not that I want to die, I just want to cease to exist. I dont want to keep waking up every morning and keep doing this just to end up alone and crying. I guess I just dont know how to keep trying anymore and I really dont think I want to. I guess I am kind of rambling, but it has been another really sad disappointing day and Im feeling so broken right now.

    APYBFJS Member

    I'm feeling your pain.

    I feel the same way, I always hope tomorrow will be the start of a new era for me. But it never comes

    I'm still waiting.
  3. xsomewhatdamagedx

    xsomewhatdamagedx Well-Known Member

    i try to be happy to but its not easy when so many odds are stacked against you i have come to a point when i hardly feel anything anymore its like a living death in itself
  4. kp80

    kp80 Member

    I go to bed every night with the same thought. That if I can just get through a night of sleep things will look better in the morning, but they never do. In fact every day lately keeps getting harder and harder. I know they empty feeling. It sometimes feels like I am just going through the motions. I just cant figure out the point of trying to exist anymore.
  5. xsomewhatdamagedx

    xsomewhatdamagedx Well-Known Member

    thats exactly how i feel.i feel as if im only alive to please other people i go to sleep everynight wondering what the perpose for my existance has.i search everyday for a reason to keep going but i cant find one anymore.
  6. kp80

    kp80 Member

    Thats it exactly. I dont even know if I am around to please others though because I feel like if I was gone tomorrow everyone I knows world would keep turning just the same if not better. And this probably sounds stupid, but all I can think is if I actually tried it and I failed what would everyone think of me. I go to work everyday and put on a pretend happy face and as soon as I am alone in my car driving home it all falls apart and I cry until I fall asleep. Its not a life anymore. For the first time in a while though at least I can see I am not the only one who feels this way, and while it doesnt lift the pain, it is comforting.
  7. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    kp80...Sounds like a very hard time for you these days. Sounds like you're depressed. Have you gone to your doctor to get a physical and to say you've been feeling this low? He/she will rule out any physical causes of low mood and might suggest a med that will lift this dark cloud that is over you. :hug:
  8. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    Hey kp80 and APYBFJS - happiness does not come easy to some people, especially if you have depression.

    As for not wanting to kill yourself and instead just not wanting to be here - I guess everyone feels that at some point - our journey on the high road of life does lead us down some dark roads - dangerous ones also - but even if you wake up today and feel the same as yesterday - at least you have the chance to make a change.

    Of course, life is more likely to change for the better IF we can get along with people. Even with depression, this is possible. Just 'waiting' for a change - that might not work as a job won't mysteriously appear before our eye - nor will love - a true natural cure that makes you happy, be found if your just sitting around waiting for life to change and maybe email you or something!

    Seriously though - when life is at the stage of you being down on a daily basis - you got to take several steps to try and fight back. Sure, its not easy - but in many ways it is easier than just sitting around or drifting through life.

    I know what you mean APYBFJS about tomorrow being the start of a new era - I've wondered at times if this would happen to me. Being in my late 40s I've seen a few new eras in my life - unexpected jobs, unexpected women!, plenty of parties and good times also.

    There will be times you wake up and your world has changed.

    Sometimes, all it takes is just getting up out of bed, going to wherever you go - getting home, and doing whatever you do - with a rule that you do things which you don't feel like doing - boring social events, family gatherings and maybe a school outing or social.

    Don't wait for life to change - because it will, and life is an ongoing process of change in which the individual sometimes feels overwhelmed by. The more things we can do in our own lives, be it education and work, raising families and looking after ourselves, the better.

    A happy life is usually a busy life.

    You would not wait for love would you? If you got on with someone like house on fire and shared common interests, and hit it off - your best plan would be to go on the charm offensive. Send in the poems!

    Waiting for life to change, is pointless, as it will change regardless. All you can do is to be around people, to connect to certain interests and activities which you like. You will gain much needed social confidence, and be able to fit in anywhere because the skill sets for doing this are easily learnt via experience.

    Despite having depression a couple of decades at least, I've managed to be a success in a few fields, with some recognition for doing so. I've held down decent jobs, supervised people and been involved with quasi legal stuff, camapaigns and issues of local and national interest. Music also - I've got plenty of time to start a new band - let it live and breathe again!

    And as for women - it could happen any day for you or me both. And if its the right one - THAT does make your tomorrow seem like its almost a new planet - let alone a new era of life.

    So, there are things to hope for - everyone has their own skills and talents in life. Everyone has a purpose - and it would be clearer to us if not for idiot governments and politicians who create a situation in which many of us have no employment and also face cuts in public services which impact on the poor and middle classes, not the super rich who control most of the world via their banks and financial scheming.

    Anyhow, lecture over!

    Tomorrow. I hope you can wake up a bit early - and at least go out for a while - do some shopping, or maybe visit someone. Good luck and keep holding the fort!

    Yours from England, Land of the Bee and home of the rave
  9. xsomewhatdamagedx

    xsomewhatdamagedx Well-Known Member

    i have cried myself to sleep for many years now i always expect tommor to be better and it never is all people do or say i everything will get better or everything will work itself out and it never does. im tired of fighting with people in life who have no understanding of how i feel but they judge me non the less when all they see is black and white and nothing inbetween.most days i feel like just ending it all
  10. i feel the same. i wake up. slap on the fake smile and pretend im ok. every day is darkness and pain. i too have come to realise its not death i crave. its non existence. others don't understand. they have never seen the dark. for them, being depressed is a matter of choice or mind or willpower. i live for the moments i see the light. that tiny flicker is the most beautiful important thing to me. recently i found love and saved and saved for a small holiday in a town 60 miles from where i lived. it was the best thing in the world. sometimes, a small change can give you the hope to carry on.
  11. kp80

    kp80 Member

    I think i just reached the point where i have realized i need help from a doctor. i have had lots of lows in my life but this time i have gotten so far down i dont know how to pull myself up. i have tried being social tried keeping busy and in the end when it comes down to it no one is there when i need them and i end up back alone. i am tired of pretending but to scared to let anyone see what is really in me because i know they will just let me down. im gonna try seeing someone because otherwise i feel like my options are running out.
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