Keep on contemplating it

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by yeahyeahyeah, Feb 16, 2008.

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  1. yeahyeahyeah

    yeahyeahyeah Member

    I am 22, and my confidence has been absolutely absolutely destroyed which is why I am posting on here. A bit of background to my life, I am an undergraduate at university studying Computing Science, I entered my third year with a 2:1 average, and my confidence was high ( lecturers had so much belief in me) but then fucked up my third year due to depression. Also for the first time in my life I was getting attention from the opposite sex. Got a bit addicted to that - although didn't have the balls to escalate. Even then, I didn't know if the girls were serious, or just stringing me along for the sake of I am a bit of a geek.

    In the past (well in my first year), I had one girl that showed interest but I never pulled the trigger due to her having a bf, and she never keeps in touch anymore, yet at the time she was with me she was so clingy. It hurt a lot, because she said many sweet things to me, led me along quite badly e.g. inviting me back to her room alone on multiple occasions, complimenting me, telling me how she would never forget me etc... I have till this day, never really properly got over her and the way I cope with it is by not thinking about her.

    Anyway, I deferred my year quick enough so that if I do decide to return, I wouldn't have to pay tuition fees and that my funding would be sorted out.

    Ok, my confidence was ok at university, I was well liked by people, had social influence, and had a strong support base from my best friend over there. Academically things were not going well, so I deferred before it was too late.

    Now I am back home, I have taken the iniutive and applied to a tonne of places to work, I have got my CV checked out by guys that know what they are talking about, been personal training, looked at degree alternatives (to see if I can transfer to something that interests more), written to individuals within industry and the area of expertise I want to go into (they prefer business based IT students, as opposed to technical computing scientists) and have written to my local MP in regards to a procedure needed on my teeth and jaw (which has left me somewhat disfigured - although not seriously, it has affected my looks considerably).

    Job front - 1 and half months on, five interviews out of applying to 50 jobs. (all of which I have the skill set for). Retail jobs are impossible to get too, applied to places like apple etc.

    Local MP - has not helped me much. I recieved an appointment with the orthodontics for April (I have been waiting for four years to get this started), so frustrated.

    Personal training - after one month of doing it, instead of gaining weight I am losing weight, yet I guess I have become stronger.

    Lecturers - although keen to give me their email addresses on the day I left, they have not bothered keeping in touch. I phoned one, emailed them a couple of times/ he sounded so fed up with talking to me as I was asking for advice about my degree.

    Money - increasingly becoming more and more in debt, recently I received a massive bill of 346 pounds from my university for tuition fees although they said I didn't have to pay any. Currently 840 pounds into my overdraft, with my only income being job seeker allowance, which is peanuts (46.50 after every 2 weeks).

    Recruitment companies - I have even gone as far as phoning them and writing to them literally begging for them to get me a job within my sector, doing simple things in IT that I am qualified for -- they tell me to send them my CV, but never get back to me. Furthermore, I have had work experience within my sector too.

    Support network (family), it is there, for the most part. However I am overshadowed by my sibling who is successful and he treats me like shit, telling me that I am unemployable because I am not an oxbridge graduate. I hate asking my parents, siblings for money and they really do make me feel bad, by telling me to get a job etc....but no one is giving me one. I hate being dependent on people, but I have no choice, and it destroys my manhood. My successful sibling has also branded me a "loser" and "fuck up" - all those names. I try my hardest to not give them ammo to fire at me, but as I have failed I have given it to him.

    Social network at university - disintegrated completely.Now that I am not there, no one bothers to keep in touch, it seems as though it was all a waste of time at the expense of fucking up my third year.

    My looks - I feel that I am an unattractive guy due to my facial disfigurement and it shows, I don't get that much attention, I feel that my jaw and teeth has let me down big time....I am frustrated that the NHS has not started my procedure. It is three years long, yet everytime I go for a check up they find a reason to suspend it further (I have been waiting four years). This has fucked my confidence heavily, because it is likely I will be 26-27 before it gets sorted out -- old. Feel as though I have lost so much of my youth due to it. I won't lie, but I do want to attract a mate, and I feel that this has held me back. Linguistically this has affected me too, as my teeth don't touch - so with my phanetics, I can't pronounce certain words. Often my speech is very unclear and often I have to repeat myself. My own uncle once even said to me "Don't speak to loud, your voice is so ugly", others have ridiculed me at times due to it.

    I have written to the sumaritans, they helped a bit but they didn't heal my pain. I have contemplated suicide a lot because I just feel that I am not talented, ugly , stupid and have no worth - which is why I can't seem to get a job, single, and am depressed. I am frustrated that when I start doing something I just can't seem to complete that at a good standard. In short, I have absolutely no inner confidence within myself. Plus I feel as though I am a burden on society. I have felt that the only way to end this pain is by leaving it all; my parents will be financially better off, and those that expect highly from me will have nothing more to expect. Plus yes, I wouldn't have to constantly recieve flak, or worry about anything superficial.

    I just feel that there is nothing worth living for, your worth seems to be based on the way you look, or how much money you make - is that life? Don't know why I put myself through it.

    Anyway thanks for the read.
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 16, 2008
  2. HOW

    HOW Well-Known Member

    hey, your life sounds a lot like mine, just I´m not in uni yet. Which uni did you go to? The only point in life, which I see is in sharing love with someone. Must be nice to wake up everyday and be able to have someone who loves you.
  3. yeahyeahyeah

    yeahyeahyeah Member

    Never experienced it unfortunantly (aside from my family, of course.), keep being stringed along or if I do show interest they are never interested back -- so it catch 22. I am relatively resentful on that front I guess, because no matter how confident I 'can' try and be, because I don't look a certain way, I would just be boxed as a friend. For this reason, I just hate the way the world is, as it comes across as though 'you' have to display materialistic worth/value in so many different ways in order to get anywhere, rather what you have to offer as a person is overlooked by everyone.

    I went to one of the "ancient" unis.
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 16, 2008
  4. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    i'm sorry to read about what you've been through... so much in such a short time. there's so much to say, but the main thing is that thinking about suicide alot is like when the "warning light" is blinking on your car dashboard... just means your mental health is a little out of balance at the moment. choices and opportunities start to seem fewer and fewer until it seems like the only choice you have left is if and/or when to end your life.

    but... it doesn't have to be your only choice. with some help you can feel better, although it might not seem that way now. you can talk back to that negative self-image, you can defend yourself against the cruel attitude of your family, to the hardships of being unemployed and out of school at the moment.

    i've only just met you and i can see you have many gifts, including compassion, understanding, sensitivity, intelligence, and a great way with words.

    if you noodle around the site you will find that there are many ways to treat depression. research them and i hope you will find a few that will work for you. if you read some of my other posts you will see what is starting to work for me.

  5. yeahyeahyeah

    yeahyeahyeah Member

    I have been trying to cope with my depression by working out, I guess. But I guess there is a reason why that is not working, a part of me is 'working out ' and trying to get bulky in order to consolodate for my other 'imperfection'. That being the issue surrounding my teeth and jawline. So instead of it turning into something that I should be doing for myself, it is something I guess I am doing in order to increase my *worth* as an individual, as I know if there is anything going for me - it is my height; I am 6ft. I feel that in order to decrease the flak especially at university with my peers, I need to have a physical presence, because not only I would look better, but the extra bulk/and height would help. That is why, when I regress after not gaining any weight and getting ill, I get really annoyed especially seeing as though I have spent £300 on personal training. Plus, not to mention now that I have taken time off, I feel as though I am underpressure to have achieved something before I go back to university. Otherwise, it was a waste of a year.

    I was a lot skinnier then I was now, and I remember I used to get so much more flak then, then lets say now (from the bigger guys), so I know if I put on a stone of more muscle, it will strengthen my inner confidence. I was at one point 8 and a half stones, now I am 10 stones 8.

    I want work within my industry because it will give me that cushion in case I get a 2:2 (by giving me valuable working experience. Plus I want to use my skillset and develop it by learning from others), already I have a lot of work experience (mainly freelance), and I am so frustrated no one is taking me on. The last interview I went to, apparently I came across as 'well', but I think due to the fact that I told them that "I could be going back to uni", I didn't get the job despite being qualified. If this was the case, it has made me even more resentful as despite the fact that I was honest, (where most people would be deceitful in order to get the job) I didn't get it due to it.

    Lately, I have seriously considered meditating, or becoming religious again. Religion is an attractive option, but it is a difficult choice for me to make as I know that I would not stay true to it because there are things I enjoy doing that go against my faith. I don't want to take meds, as it could interfare my training regime, plus yes I could find that I might become dependent on them.

    I guess to sum this all up, and this is why I am absolutely frustrated, I just know my depression is reactive, I am sure from what you have read a lot of this can be fixed. I know I can be a happy person, but the fact that despite my efforts, I am unneccessarily being put into situations which can quite easily be corrected if they were only started (e.g. my jaw, having a job under my belt) etc. I would not be in this situation. The fact is, I can only do so much, and not being in control of any of it, is what is making me destructive...Also, yes, repressing my thoughts and feelings with others by putting on a brave front (be being jolly and happy all the time, in order to give a positive perception to people does not help. Rather, it just makes me feel more and more lonely.)

    Im incredibly disheartened, even gone as far as hiring a tutor, to prepare me for next years modules so I can breeze through them...and it is hard to be positive if things are not going how I want them too.
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 16, 2008
  6. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    It may be reactive, sure, but there's all kinds of other layers to these things, emotional and spiritual, too. It's hard when you've worked so hard (with personal training, as well as school, and going on job interviews) to not see any immediate results. But these will come, most definitely. Can you get some temp programmign work through an agency, I'm just thinking that sometimes they might need someone only for a few months to finish up a project and then you have your options clear for next year. Sorry if you've already tried that.

    Meds are helpful for some but not for others. I was very apprehensive about the side-effects but I was prepared to try all the options the doctor suggested 'cos I was quite distressed at the time.

    In your original post you say "I have contemplated suicide a lot because I just feel that I am not talented, ugly, stupid and have no worth" -- now that's depression talking.... and feeling like that can be exhausting, so exhausting that suicide seems like a brilliant idea. Untangling those thoughts is hard to do alone, so I encourage, you to get some help.

    I also emailed samaritans, but it only worked for a little while... eventually i felt worse, much worse. I put the 1% of me that intellectually knew this was depression in charge for a day and went to see my doctor. All I had to do was be honest about how I was feeling (probably the hardest conversation I've ever had) and he took it from there.

    I encourage you to think about who you might reach out to for help. Everybody needs a hand sometimes, there's nothing wrong with asking,

  7. yeahyeahyeah

    yeahyeahyeah Member

    Done/doing that, applying for anything and everything. Temping I am particularly going for, but to date I have not had one interview for even very basic temping jobs, must have applied to 50 places.

    I have seen councelling in the past, aside from being an hour of expressing my problems it didn't solve any of my problems. So it just became a vicious of cycle of living with my problems without anything being solved.

    My orthodontics appointment is scheduled for april, I think I will just give them a heart-to-heart talk, only they have the power to boost my confidence by addressing one of the problems getting me down and if they have any slightest bit of compassion, they will help me. I really hope by getting my local MP involved, this has made them realise how much it means to me. I feel that, however they probably wont give a monkeys because they are getting paid anyway.

    Indeed, in my OP I had said that, but that line I guess sums up my situation, the fact is I am jobless, suffer from many imperfections, and stupid (I am currently a drop out after all).


    btw your a very talented photographer, your profile got me intrigued as I am a bit of an arty type aside from being a scientist. (...maybe thats why I think so much)
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 16, 2008
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