"So I was sitting in my cubicle today, and I realized, ever since I started working, every single day of my life has been worse than the day before it. So that means that every single day that you see me, that's on the worst day of my life." - Peter, Office Space I had a whole big thing typed up, and this stupid thing made me log back in, and everything was lost. Awesome. Anyway... the quote. That's how I feel, only I don't have a job. I'm unemployed, and it seems to be impossible to get ANY kind of job, even a stupid McJob... and I have a Bachelor's degree. I'm in love with somebody that is in a polyamorous relationship (more than one person), and I'm a one-woman kind of guy. She knows I love her, and seems to feel SORRY for me. Sorry. Because I'm not "open minded" enough, I guess. I can't do that. I need full attention. But nobody gives me any attention. Nobody takes me seriously. People always seem to think that my emotions or whatever are just BS, but that's not true. Like everything I say is some kind of big joke, or something. I could say, "I'm going to jump off a building," and somebody will think that I'm joking. Maybe it's because I joke most of the time. I don't know. They don't understand me. Urgh. I wish I didn't lose all that. This isn't as coherent, isn't as good. I'm a failure again. Ha. Tell me: what is there to live for when you have nobody who loves you? What is there to live for when you're a grown man forced to live with your father due to debt? What is there to live for when the people that CONSTANTLY reassured you that you WERE smart and creative and handsome and blah blah blah all go away? What do you do when you realize that they were lying? I'm not a genius. I'm not super creative. I can't do anything. I'll never be a real writer, and I'll never have a good job. I'm a worthless insect who will never amount to anything, and who will never be loved. That's the thing that hurts me the most. She's so nice to me. She knows that I love her, and I think that she loves me, too... but she won't say one way or another because she thinks it will hurt me whether or not she says that she returns my feelings. It hurts more not knowing. I'd rather her say, "Ken, I don't love you. I'm just a friend to you, and that's all I'll ever be." I'd rather her not flirt with me, because even though I feel good at the time, I feel horrible later. I'm extremely jealous of the people she's dating, even though they're nice people. I dislike them anyway, even though I have no reason to. I met one of the guys. The only thing that I could do was compare him to myself. "He's smarter than me. He's in law school. He's making something of himself." Is that why she loves him? No. I know love is more complex than that. It isn't about who is better and who is worse. It just happens. Why can't I be loved? If I was loved, then maybe I'd be able to do something. Maybe I'd be able to write without throwing everything out. Maybe I wouldn't burst into tears when nobody was around. Maybe I wouldn't call up my friends crying, hoping desperately that they'd call me back. I don't think I can live without companionship, and I don't think I'll ever find somebody who understands me enough, and who loves me enough. I'm a stupid, uncreative, freak. I deserve to die.