Keep on sinking

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by lokiflything, Mar 12, 2009.

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  1. lokiflything

    lokiflything New Member

    "So I was sitting in my cubicle today, and I realized, ever since I started working, every single day of my life has been worse than the day before it. So that means that every single day that you see me, that's on the worst day of my life." - Peter, Office Space

    I had a whole big thing typed up, and this stupid thing made me log back in, and everything was lost. Awesome.

    Anyway... the quote. That's how I feel, only I don't have a job. I'm unemployed, and it seems to be impossible to get ANY kind of job, even a stupid McJob... and I have a Bachelor's degree. I'm in love with somebody that is in a polyamorous relationship (more than one person), and I'm a one-woman kind of guy. She knows I love her, and seems to feel SORRY for me. Sorry. Because I'm not "open minded" enough, I guess. I can't do that. I need full attention. But nobody gives me any attention. Nobody takes me seriously. People always seem to think that my emotions or whatever are just BS, but that's not true. Like everything I say is some kind of big joke, or something. I could say, "I'm going to jump off a building," and somebody will think that I'm joking. Maybe it's because I joke most of the time. I don't know. They don't understand me.

    Urgh. I wish I didn't lose all that. This isn't as coherent, isn't as good. I'm a failure again. Ha. Tell me: what is there to live for when you have nobody who loves you? What is there to live for when you're a grown man forced to live with your father due to debt? What is there to live for when the people that CONSTANTLY reassured you that you WERE smart and creative and handsome and blah blah blah all go away? What do you do when you realize that they were lying? I'm not a genius. I'm not super creative. I can't do anything. I'll never be a real writer, and I'll never have a good job. I'm a worthless insect who will never amount to anything, and who will never be loved.

    That's the thing that hurts me the most. She's so nice to me. She knows that I love her, and I think that she loves me, too... but she won't say one way or another because she thinks it will hurt me whether or not she says that she returns my feelings. It hurts more not knowing. I'd rather her say, "Ken, I don't love you. I'm just a friend to you, and that's all I'll ever be." I'd rather her not flirt with me, because even though I feel good at the time, I feel horrible later. I'm extremely jealous of the people she's dating, even though they're nice people. I dislike them anyway, even though I have no reason to. I met one of the guys. The only thing that I could do was compare him to myself. "He's smarter than me. He's in law school. He's making something of himself." Is that why she loves him? No. I know love is more complex than that. It isn't about who is better and who is worse. It just happens.

    Why can't I be loved? If I was loved, then maybe I'd be able to do something. Maybe I'd be able to write without throwing everything out. Maybe I wouldn't burst into tears when nobody was around. Maybe I wouldn't call up my friends crying, hoping desperately that they'd call me back. I don't think I can live without companionship, and I don't think I'll ever find somebody who understands me enough, and who loves me enough. I'm a stupid, uncreative, freak. I deserve to die.
  2. SadPandaBear

    SadPandaBear Well-Known Member

    First of all, the fact that you are a one woman man is awesome, there are plenty of women that would appreciate that in a man. Just because she likes to sleep around with everyone doesnt mean you have to, afterall its not safe.

    People are people. Not everyone can understand everyone. I've always wondered why people look at me strangely, or why must I be judged by them.. why cant I get along with them... and finally im realizing that it was such a waste of time and effort, spent worrying about those people around me because they are NOT like me. There are people out there that ARE like me, and I think that I would have a much better relationship with someone that "got me" then with someone that didnt.

    the sad fact about debt and life accomplishes are... really.. who makes all the rules? Who says that having a huge house, car in the drive way 6 figure income, etc.. what it means to be happy. Who makes these insane expectations that we all feel we have to live up to?

    If we made our own expectations and quit tryin to be "the best" or "perfect", I totally think we would all be alot happier.

    Its important to first love and trust ourselves, this way we allow others to love and trust us, and we can love and trust others.
  3. lokiflything

    lokiflything New Member

    I would never say that she just "sleeps around" with people. She's in a polyamorous relationship, and it works for her. She's only in a relationship with people that she loves. I can understand, intellectually, why a polyamorous relationship might make sense. But it is not for me. I just wanted to clarify that.

    Although... sometimes I wish she'd just hate me, instead of being nice to me. Then everything would be easier. I just wouldn't speak to her again, or something. But I know I don't really want that... I just don't want to hurt so much.
  4. mdmefontaine

    mdmefontaine Antiquities Friend

    ...if this is hurting you, then this is not the kind of relationship you need.

    not to judge 'her' kind of relationship, but honestly, that kind of relationship is not for everyone.

    for myself, it is very important to be in a monogamus relationship. otherwise, it is painful for me. i am a one-man woman -

    and i don't think the two types. . .are compatible.
    just my opinion

    i'm sorry this is so hard for you. pm me if you want to talk, and i hope you get support on this issue, here at s.f. . . . xxx
  5. pither

    pither Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry you feel like all the doors in your life are closing on you. I can relate entirely.

    First of all I think in today's current economy crisis, it's hard for anyone to get a job and/or keep it. The fact that you're unemployed is something that you may not be able to control at the moment. You shouldn't be hard on yourself for something that's out of your hands.

    Secondly, I think that the relationship you are describing is just unhealthy. If you notice, those types of relationships tend not to last in the long run. I think that if someone loves another person, they should be willing to remain loyal to that person and that person only. I also think that it's selfish to put someone through what you're going through..... If I were in your shoes I would remove myself from the whole situation, otherwise you'll just end up where you are now every time she disappoints you. It's a sad continuous cycle if you don't get away from it.

    Lastly,there are lots of opportunities for companionship out there and I certainly know how it feels to believe there is no one out there for you. People come and go in our lives all the time. It's just how it works I suppose.

    Really though,I feel for you. I know how it is to have no control over anything, to have all your friends and your support leave you, to feel like you're not worth anything. I'm there right now. But you can only go as low as the bottom and from there you can only go up- :]
  6. lokiflything

    lokiflything New Member

    Perhaps I didn't make it altogether clear- we're not TOGETHER together. She's just my friend. We used to be together at one point, but that was a long time ago. I want it to be more, and I think she does, too. I just wish that I was able to get into a relationship like that when I can't. It hurts a lot knowing that it can't work and will never work. I didn't even sleep tonight, thinking about it.
  7. christian_1990

    christian_1990 Well-Known Member

    get her out of your life, not even as friend. find a woman that suits your needs. dont complicate your life....make it simple
  8. pither

    pither Well-Known Member

    I agree completely. I think that the longer you're around her, the more she's going to disappoint you with her choices. What are you getting out of the relationship at this point? From what I'm hearing, only pain and misery. I know it hurts to realize that it can't work, but maybe there is someone out there better for you and you just haven't met them yet. Maybe the reason this isn't working is because you're supposed to end up with someone else. If I were in your shoes I would distance myself from her for awhile. Just give yourself some thinking time-

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