Keep pushing...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by prichardson, Aug 3, 2009.

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  1. prichardson

    prichardson Account Closed


    Completely new to the forum and I suppose this post is more of an outlet for me than a question to yourselves, although I would be most appreciative to hear of anyone who has been where I am right now.

    I'm 31 and survived Meningococcal Meningitis and pretty severe juvenile rhumatism throughout my childhood, alongside a violent mother and her very violent and abusive partner.

    I lied on the medical form when I was 17 and managed to join the army which became my life. I lost a lot of my hearing after being stood a few feet from a bomb in Belfast, was shot in Kosovo and was discharged last year after being diagnosed with a particularly virilant cancer of the bladder. A few months ago I had an accident in an ultralight aircraft, yet walked away un-harmed from a groundspeed impact of at least 70mph in to the side of a hill.

    I can't explain my life in a short message, but I have been close to death many times. I do not feel grateful to be alive; I want / need to be close to death to feel any satisfaction with my life. As crazy as it may sound, the world seems to have wanted me dead since I was 6, but the old body just hasn't given up - for whatever reason. Yes, I have a knackerd bladder, my joints hurt, hearing is crap and things are not easy, but everything still works, which is unreal.

    The army was my identity, it was my life. Anything that happened before then was forgotten and I was never able to see a future away from the forces. I have felt completely useless and lost since I left, and the only way of keeping my identity is a keep close to death... That's how it feels.

    I have been taking (4+months) crazy long-term doses of Aspirin 300mg and Ibuprofen 200mg, 64 tablets of each, every day and without break since May. I have even gone as far as dividing the dosages so a regular amount is taken at set intervals throughout the day and night. If I wanted to just die, I would jump because it's quick, but I have the NEED to see how far I can push my body before it finally gives out, if it ever does. It's the only purpose to my life that I can lock on to and go for.

    Yes, I have the ringing in my ears, tiredness, dizzyness, sweating and loss of consentration but still no internal bleeding, ulcers or anything I could consider as life-threatening. This 'uncomfortable' feeling, the feeling or not being quite yourself, not well - it's feels right.. Hard to explain, but I feel far better about myself if things are not good.

    If you've gotten this far, sorry to have bored you......

    YES, I sound like a complete fruit cake who should probably be sectioned for his own good. But I come to you as a reasonably intelligent, down but not over-depressed person. I can see no light at the end of my tunnel and I cannot think of anything that would actually make me want to see light. I want to die, but in a contolled way, no quickly and painless.

    Maybe I need to suffer to realise the beauty of life that people talk about. Memories from when I was a kid spoil my good moments, not selfishly because that is all history, but the thought that another kid could be going through what I did, or far worse.

    I'm sorry. I think I'm speaking rubbish as it's hard to describe some feelings that you don't really understand yourself. I have a wife of 8 years but I have always been the strong one in the relationship. She's had depression problems since long before we met and I would never feel comfortable speaking about my feelings to her, it's just another thing I can't explain well.

    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 3, 2009
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You may feel you thoughts are rational but really they are thoughts clouded with depression If is very hard to leave a military life to become civilian again.
    The pride one has when serving ones country feeling useful and needed. You need to get councilling therapy to help you do this. I know the army is not known to do follow up care but you need to fight for this. Is there anyway to get both you and wife into some therapy as both of you suffer from depression. I feel for you and know your struggles Is there anyway you can volunteer with cadets or young kids wanting to join the army ranks. Just know there is help you need to go after it so both you and wife live a better life together as partners.
  3. triggs

    triggs Account Closed

    hi paul, i'm sorry that you've been through so much and that you're feeling this way
    i personally, have never experienced .. well .. any of that, and you're pretty brave to have gotten this far really. so why change that? you've gotten through so much, why give up now when you could do so much more, good things i mean.
    i hope you stick around and talk. a lot of us here haven't been through what you have but hopefully you'll get the general idea that we're all here to support whatever the problems.
    thinking of you :heart:
    triggs xx
  4. prichardson

    prichardson Account Closed

    Thank you both for your kind replies.

    It certainly would be nice to get out of this hole and I thank you both for your words.

  5. triggs

    triggs Account Closed

    :smile: no problem hun
    and we'll try our best to get you as far out of that hole as possible :) xx
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