I've only been here for a few days, but I can already tell that things are getting worse. From the outside, I guess there isn't much of a change, I'm still who I am to everyone around me. But I don't know, I feel really alone all of a sudden. Coming to seek support, while it does help me realize that I'm not alone, has given me a new, scary perspective on things. I'm constantly worrying about if my friend is going to come in and see this. (i don't live at my house, i don't have one, and im staying with a friend) I also feel like im splitting my friends apart with telling some of them what I'm going through and others that i keep in the dark. I just get the feeling that there are less and less people who can really understand me, and these suicidal thoughts of mine. A few days ago, I would be crying for no reason, or think that i should crash my car off into a guardrail. Today, these nights I think of cutting before bed, and i thought of ODing on pain pills, or blowing my head off with a firecracker in my mouth. This new reality that i find myself in is really scary, and i don't know how its gonna look up for me. So yeah, I'll admit, im suicidal. I don't have a plan, but i have the thought of it, nearly constantly now. Is this how its supposed to go after you admit that you need support? I thought i would at least bring some solace to my pain, but in the end it is only telling me that I'm more alone than i ever imagined before. The pain is still there, and it just won't leave. And the worst part is, I can't go back. I can't forget or brush it off anymore. My eyes are open and i cannot close them again.