keep thinking i won't last the end of the year...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Locket, Dec 28, 2008.

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  1. Locket

    Locket Well-Known Member

    i know i'm pathetic
    and my reasons are stupid and insignificant compared to a hell of a lot of other people
    but i just have this ache inside my chest
    this dragging feeling
    that won't let me continue anymore
    i've tried to fight my head, but it's too scary
    facing these issues is not helping me, it's just making me feel worse and i can't stop crying
    my flashbacks are getting worse and at night, when i should be sleeping
    i sit and stare at my black ceiling, trying to force these images out of my head
    my therapist has let me go because she thinks i'm better
    and why shouldn't she
    i was the one who kept insisting i was, because i hate talking about this
    but should i just have tried harder?
    would have worked if i stuck with it and tried a bit longer?
    i don't know
    but i don't know if i can last until new year
    my head is foggy
    and i know it's not the right time
    i need to think about it all and plan it and know it in my head
    and i need to have everything sorted before i do it
    but i don't have time for this
    i don't have time
    i can't go on living into another year else i'll force myself to live through it
    i can't have disorder and just leaving it til even 1 second past midnight, moving into january 1st, that would be to late

    it's now or never
    i just need to know which one :cry:



    and i'm sorry if i don't get back to people or my replies are impolite
    but i am not in a good way right now
     
  2. crookxshanks

    crookxshanks Well-Known Member

    you just need to take one day at a time. your a really strong person and i know you can get through this but just take things a day at a time. pm me whenever you feel ready as always here with shoulder for you :hug:
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 28, 2008
  3. Locket

    Locket Well-Known Member

    thankyou mand :hug: you're so lovely :heart:
    i just don't know if i can do it
    i only have 3 days to decide ... not even that
    and there's so many reasons why i should
    but what if i do it wrong/someone finds me too early
    :cry: i hate this
     
  4. crookxshanks

    crookxshanks Well-Known Member

    but there are also so many reasons why you shouldnt.

    you have so many friends on here alone who are not only here for you but fully 100% understand what your going through. your a really great caring person and you are definitly NOT pathetic :hug:

    just think on the reasons why you shouldnt. 2009 could be a really great year for you if you let it.
     
  5. Locket

    Locket Well-Known Member

    the reasons why i should override the reasons why i shouldn't by so much
    i'm just a coward
    by still being here i am creating more problems for everyone
    i just wish ihad the courage to end it all
     
  6. ket93

    ket93 Well-Known Member

    I feel exactly like you do laura. It is stupid because I can sit here and say to you that you shouldnt do it, but I cannot tell myself the same thing...
    I do not want to do it and I know deep down I really cant because I have two beautiful girls to think about ...
    That is the ONLY thing keeping my going right now. But still the pain I feel right now is almost too much at times...
    So I know how you feel. I think you should try to do whatever it is you can to get past the pain, see a counselor, talk to someone, anything... there is a way out of this... :rose:
     
  7. Locket

    Locket Well-Known Member

    thankyou and i'm sorry you feel like this too
    it's just too much
    and the burden that puts on everyone else is horrible and i can't deal with everyone else getting hurt because of my pain

    this just seems like it's the only way
    i had a therapist but i stupidly mislead her to believe i was okay
    and now she's stopped seeing me
    i don't know what to do
    i just feel like a waste of time and a pest :(
     
  8. ket93

    ket93 Well-Known Member

    You are not a pest at all!! It is a sad thing that people such as us have to go through this... We are no bad people deep down... We have just been through bad things that have been hard to let go of.. at least that is my situation...
    And just a thought... the same one that is keeping me going...
    If you feel bad now because you think you are hurting people that care about you, imagine their pain if you were to end it all... Just believe in hope and pray... that is really all you can do...
     
  9. Locket

    Locket Well-Known Member

    i can understand that they'd be upset for a while
    but it would be so much easier and better for them in the long run

    and carrying on is just too hard
    i have nothing to look forward to
    except a life of failure and disappointment
    i'd be better off dead
     
  10. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    You would not be better off dead and neither would anyone else. You think they would only be upset for awhile? I just read a post by someone whose father suicided and they are still struggling with it. It was 10 years ago. Visit some of the survivors of suicide sites and see how easy people "got over it". You yourself said you were unsure and think suicide is the best decision. If there is one shred of doubt anywhere in your mind, then this option should be completely taken off the table. How do you know you have nothing to look forward to? You can't see into the future anymore than the rest of us can. I think it is time for you to stop trying to find excuses to leave and start finding the reasons to live. I know if you look for them, they will be there. You have the strength to continue on. :hug:
     
  11. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Hi Laura. I'm sorry that you're feeling so down. I know that it seems like there are a lot reasons to end it, but there are also many reasons for you to stay alive. How do you know that things will not get better in the new year? 2008 was a pretty crappy year, but things can get better next year. Why not stick around a little while longer and see if things improve? And your family will probably never get over your suicide. When a loved one dies, people have to move on with their lives, but they never get over it. Maybe you should talk to your therapist again and say that things have gotten worse? :hug:
     
  12. Locket

    Locket Well-Known Member

    thanks everyone
    i've kind of "come to my senses" you might say
    i just had a major cloud of worry and depression hit me
    i think it's going now
    i appreciate everyones help
    thankyou x
     
  13. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I am glad things are going better. Thanks for reaching out. :hug:
     
  14. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    I'm glad you're feeling better Laura :hug:
     
  15. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hi Laura,
    Why don't you try setting small goals for yourself. They can be anything!!(For instance I got out of bed and made breakfast) that is a positive because so many people here on the forum find it hard to just get out of bed.
    Every time you do a positive thing bank it. Then when you have a negative thought push it away and replace it with one that you have banked. Does any of that make sence to you? That was one of the first things my therapist taught me. Sure I have my bad days,like yesterday I stayed in bed all day and night. I only got up for the necessities.
    Please don't fortune tell all that can do is make you jump to conclusions that aren't real!!None of us know what the future may bring!! By the way you have been very helpfull to others, I have read your posts. I can tell by them that you are a very kind person and you care about the people you talk to!! Take Care!!~Joseph~
     
  16. crookxshanks

    crookxshanks Well-Known Member

    glad that your feeling better x
     
  17. Locket

    Locket Well-Known Member

    :smile: this made me smile
    i will definitely keep that in mind, the whole 'banking' thing

    thankyou for the replies everyone
    i'm feeling better today.. more productive :smile: x
     
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