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Keep Wishing

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by mpang123, Jul 13, 2013.

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  1. mpang123

    mpang123 Well-Known Member

    I have anxiety attacks when I think about possibly killing myself. In my past, I've been spared from death, but now I wish I can succeed. I don't see what there is to keep on living. If I didn't exist, I wouldn't be having flashbacks of my trauma last year where I really did almost die. I just wish I did.
  2. mpang123

    mpang123 Well-Known Member

    You see, I'm mentally disabled, can't work, can't go to school, never been married nor had any kids. I have nothing to look forward to. I feel like a burden to society and wish I never was alive.
  3. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    hi mpang. I understand how someone can come to the conclusion that they are a burden on society if they are not working..... I am not working. I do not have kids. I never got married. I could not make it through school And yes. I am mentally disabled. But I am fortunate enough to have a teacher who helps me to understand that sometimes there are larger things going on that I cannot see. Here is an example.

    As a kid I always heard that..... eg: homeless people ( or many others who live in very adverse circumstances) are often very advanced souls. So strong in fact that they are able to have a lifetime expereincing this and learning from it. So what if this is true? And I am not saying it is. Maybe people who live under some very adverse circumstances are pretty advanced souls who are here for a reason or purpose they could not even imagine. I dont know. but what if?

    I used to call myself people pollution. And it is very difficult being alive. But I honestly believe i have to stay alive. Because there may be a reason I am here that I am not aware of. Maybe someday I can help someone. Because I know what it is to suffer. And that has already happened actually. Because I know so well what it feels like to be dissociative, I was able to help many people who also are. I did that in my 50s. I would hate to have missed out on that. Because it helped people.

    I know the pain of what you describe is so deep. I know it because I too live with similar circumstances. And I too grapple with longing to die. But I think that finding a way to stay alive is best, if at all possible. No matter how much I long to be gone. No matter how bad or hopeless it feels. No matter how much I long to be gone. I am really sorry the pain is so bad. I am sorry you live with mental disability. Just know that I also do.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 14, 2013
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