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Keepin´it brief

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by A World Of Pain, May 22, 2015.

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  1. This is going to be very summarized. I have Asperger´s, ADD, and I know a LOT about the truth of society and this world AKA "conspiracy theories".

    These three things, which have each became significant (in a negative fashion) in different periods of my life have made me do/feel/display the following actions/emotions/features in a "chronic" way:

    -Doing too many mistakes, and being either ridiculed, "advised", attacked or rejected for this. Mundane and normally very "common sense" things can turn into problems with me. Repairing stuff, doing chores or "working with the public" always ends in constant conflicts and suffering. I am useless for most jobs, in brief. I guess many with ADD or Autism feel similar. I am not downright useless though, but why use me when others do the same without so much hassle? That´s why I should be an artist, but I am too depressed right now despite obvious talent in the field. No interest in it right now, sadly.

    -I also have from time to time insane impulses leading to "crazy" actions (such as using the knife of a butcher to weed out a garden, got caught and people freaked out logically) or randomnly blurting out to an ex-girlfriend that her 12 year old sister had "a fine ass" (wtf?!).

    - Low social confidence/skills and inability to defend myself properly in the precise moment. Got my dose of bullying as all poor autistics do.

    -Lack of interest in people and in mostly anything in the world. People are clonal and immoral. Dull, created by mitosis. Evil as well. Boring and evil.

    -Because I had severe psychosomatic hyperhidrosis because of my social phobia/anxiety (which got me bullied and prevented any kind of sexual life) I looked up at 18 a very powerful antiperspirant with 20% aluminum. Fast forward to now, it permitted me to get some sexual experiences with girls as it completely blocked my armpits but apparantly started an autoimmune cascade that has left me with unrefreshing sleep, intestines that are intolerant to practically all foods and in general a diseased body. I have even had cholinergic urticaria for years which is gone now. Unrefreshing sleep is probably the worst thing. It is torture.

    -THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT REASON FOR ME TO WANT TO END MY LIFE: Because of of my low self-esteem and impulsive personality I did at age 19 some absolutely hilarious penile enlargement exercises. The result? I practically have no libido (because of the physical damage but lets not forget all the inflammation and hormonal shittyness from the aluminum), my erections are much, much harder to attain and maintain and most important of it all... I HAVEN´T HAD A SINGLE ORGASM SINCE THEN. I think about it and its kind of stupid for me to stay alive when sex was so important for autistic poor me in my teens. Without it I feel closer to a psychopath and more detached from other people than ever. It was my redemption, my connection to life.

    I have been ill and practically castrated now 5 years. Doctors don´t help, no one wants to understand or even believe what happens to me.
    I am a 23 year old virgin that is so atractive that has got yelled from girls in the street. Don´t worry, when they know me better any appeal should dissappear, lol. I feel enraged and losing it, between suicidal and violent towards others.
    Last edited by a moderator: May 22, 2015
  2. GreySilence

    GreySilence Well-Known Member

    I may not have the same conditions you have, but I can still heavily relate. I am very slow at picking up on common sense tasks, I'm a slow learner, and I'm often yelled at for not picking up on things quickly. However, I am very good at building up skills once I have the fundamentals down, and like you I've got a talent for creative tasks such as art. Try to look at your strengths, and don't let your mind get caught up on your weaknesses. It is SO easy to ignore the things that we actually have and should appreciate when the bad things make us view everything in a negative light. You may not be interested in art right now because of your depressed state, but if you can manage to lift your mood at all, you may feel that drive and motivation to crank out some new paintings or drawings and cultivate your artistic talent.

    I've done some really stupid shit too, no joke. I've said such embarrassing and out-of-place things that they impulsively made me want to jump off of a building. I've also got low confidence, social awkwardness, and been bullied heavily. In the end though, most of that's in the past. Sure it can be a major drawback to be a certain way, but it isn't the end of the world. The more failures you have can only make you stronger. Don't look at your failures as, well, failures. Look at most failures simply as an unsuccessful attempt at a success. Failed attempts, and successes, both lead to your growth. The only time I would consider something a true failure is if it backtracks your own growth or negatively impacts someone else greatly beyond repair, such as an action resulting in someone else's death or disability.

    Most people do suck, that's for certain, but do not go as far to say that everyone is a conformist, dull, immoral, boring and devilish being. Some people are absolutely fantastic, they may be the 1%, but look for them, and when you manage to find them, don't let go of them! Good people have to stick together.

    About your sexual disability, much of it may be the cause of your emotional state. If you feel anxious about not being able to get it up, then you'll go into any sexual act with too much fear and you will not be able to relax enough to get turned on properly. It's probably something more than that, like you said, but just keep searching for someone who has the answers for you. A lot of doctors may not know how to help you, but there's gotta be someone out there. Even if you can no longer get your libido back, there is more to life than just sex- even if it was one of the more important things to you.

    You say you also have psychosomatic hyperhidrosis (excessive sweating, if I'm not mistaken), but if you are going to have sex with someone that likes you as a person rather than as a piece of sexual meat, then I'm sure they wouldn't mind it much. Sex is probably way better if you're doing it with someone you can emotionally connect to anyway.

    You label yourself as a virgin like it's a bad thing, but it's really nothing to be ashamed of. Sex is only worth it if you feel like it's worth it, and you shouldn't have sex just because society looks down upon virgins so much. I feel like most people ridicule virgins because they threw away their virginity at a stupid and un-meaningful young time in their life and are jealous that they didn't lose it in a better way. In the future, if you do get yourself fixed up down there and do end up having sex with someone you love, I'm sure they'll appreciate that you saved your body for them and didn't screw some slut (not being sexist here, guys can be sluts too) before you got to them.

    Anyways, I hope you can manage to find happiness. Best of luck dude, I hope I managed to help at all.
  3. Not bad advice, thanks for trying to help.

    I do feel stronger from my failures but also more full of hate and frustration, sometimes.

    I know awesome people exist but mostly I haven´t found them. I wish I wasn´t so dependent of people I despise...

    It feels as it I either blossom from all of this as a mature and compassionate individual or crack under the pressure of pain and selfishness to either kill myself or do something to others.
  4. GreySilence

    GreySilence Well-Known Member

    No problem, hope I managed to make at least a bit of a difference to your depressed mindset.

    Immediately after a failure, it's all too easy to feel all sorts of negative emotions.
    Those emotions fade away though, and the feeling that you got stronger from the experience is the one that will stay.

    You seem like you're a decent person, I don't think you'd let yourself go completely down that selfish path to death.
    Be strong, and believe in yourself. You've gotten this far in your life without cracking under the pressure, it'd be a waste to give up now.
    If you can keep a positive mindset active, you'll definitely be able to get the best out of every negative experience, and become a completely wonderful person.
  5. How do you know I am decent? I am actually "decent" but also psychopathic in way. Its weird, like having a demon and an angelic being inside. This contradictory self is painful, and confusing.

    I want to believe failures leave an upgraded strength, but while that might be true, the negative emotions in me are not gone. Almost everytime I "screw up" is like a movie starts in my mind rubbing on my face all the other failures and abuses endured. This might have to do with being autistic, I don´t know. It sucks how my system doesn´t process well emotions, to the point of wishing losing them.

    Hey btw I find your posts somewhat insightful which is rare bearing in mind the kind of generic "dont kill urself people love you" posts that flourish in this board. So thanks for being there. People get paid big bucks to do this psychotherapy bullsh1t. I actually go to the psychologist and this last one is kind of useful.
  6. GreySilence

    GreySilence Well-Known Member

    I had a hunch, which probably was a result of my previous experience with people that generally are bored with and don't get along with the majority of people as well as think of them as evil. People who can think of others as evil are more than likely to be at least decent, as evil people would see the majority (which is evil) as normal. Not fitting into society well also means that you're not fitting in with the average, cruel type of person, which also makes yourself more likely to be decent.

    Being a psychopath, you can still do good things. As long as you are self-aware and willing to prevent yourself from doing anything bad or manipulative, it should keep you from being a bad person at least. And even if your initial intention for doing something isn't "good", as long as the results have a positive effect on others, I think it could still be considered a good deed. Basically, as long as you know what's acceptable and what is not, and you force yourself to stay behind the boundaries you set for yourself, you should be able to suppress your inner demon at the very least. I'm not a psychopath myself though, so I really can't completely relate or even confirm if I'm right about anything I just said. I do have a close friend who is a psychopath though, and he's been a good friend to me, so I certainly do believe that a psychopath can do good.

    I tend to dwell on the past quite a bit myself, but I still feel less weight from the past the further away it gets from the present. Maybe those emotions will not fade away completely, but they can certainly become negligible. The more time passes, the more you change, and the less responsible you should feel for the past, as you're a different person than you once were. I'm sure we've all done stupid things when we were children, maybe even caused someone a severe injury- but you can't really feel much guilt for something like that when you realize that you were just a stupid kid back then. I constantly find myself looking down on the "me"s from the past, because they're not me, they're just an inexperienced version of me. My current self would not make the same kinds of mistakes.

    Thanks, I try to give a logical perspective on things. I considered going into psychology at one point, but one of my friends (who's very good in school) was having a hard time and even dropped out, so I figured that if an "A" student couldn't handle it, I probably would drop out as well. Even if I could possibly make a good psychiatrist, there's no way for me to achieve the credentials for it, so I just try to help out people as more of a hobby/charity.
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