keeping suicidal feelings secret

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by galfriday, Jun 17, 2013.

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  1. galfriday

    galfriday New Member

    Hello ~

    Don't want to burden anyone in my life with my feelings. I can post here and even if no one replies I will feel better for having done it.

    I am not committing suicide today because my son is only 11 and he needs me, even in my diminished capacity.

    My parents both have Alzheimer's Disease. We have had to put my mother in a nursing home to keep her safe from my abusive father. My mother is not doing well there. I feel the need to fix it. It is very difficult physically and emotionally to take care of her. I am exhausted. You can't just admit someone to a nursing home and walk away. You need to go every day and help take care of them.

    I have Multiple Sclerosis and was just laid off from a job I loved for 13 years. So I am lucky to be free to take care of Mom. She took care of me.

    I don't want my children to go through what I am going through. I do not want my children to have to take care of me. So when my son is 18 and has graduated from high school I plan on taking my life. I hope I make it that long.

    That gives me 7 to 8 years. I just want to tell someone, even if it is no one, how sad I am.
  2. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    Hello and welcome to SF.

    I think you may need to seek some degree of counselling if possible. To have the condition that you do, and with parents both having Alzheimer's, is a stretch for anyone to deal with just from the outset.

    What I think you also need to consider, is that while you want to help your mom despite your personal struggles, would that not help teach your children the ways in which to be supportive to someone with a disability for them to help you? (Opening up their eyes to the equality where we are all humans who should be treated equally regardless).

    I also believe that you taking your own life would have a lot more of an impact on them (There are people on this site who have lost family/friends to suicide, who can give a better emotional insight to the aftermath), you could leave them feeling guilty that they didn't do more to support you - on top of the grief side of things.

    You are not a burden to anyone here. No issues are insignificant - and everyone should be treated equally - even with differing views and opinions.
  3. plato

    plato Member

    Hiya, you are in a really hard situation but its admirable that despite what you are going through you can see the need to look after your mother and son. Even when ur son reaches 18 he would still miss you a mother is a mother no matter what age we lose them at. I'm probably not being helpful but if you want to vent more I'm here .
  4. dragonless

    dragonless Well-Known Member

    Hi. Ditto to what unimportant and plato said... i came to this site because i knew i needed a support system - even if it was invisible. i have 'secret suicidal feelings' and plans all of the time and - like you - do not wish to burden real-life friends or family; i am also afraid of what my doctor would do if i actually admitted to these thoughts. But even though i am quite new as well, i think there are many here whom you may share with and talk to freely and feel some of the support you desperately need. Your story reminds me of my closest (almost onliest) friend; she must live with her mother and take care of her in most ways. Her mother doesn't suffer from Alzheimer's but has similar memory and dysfunctional brain problems. She is also physically and emotionally disabled, further burdened by the stress of being a caretaker and being out of work for years. i guess what i'm trying to say is that your story touched me: even though we are invisible strangers, i wanted you to know you can find new friends here - friends who may share similar experiences.
  5. galfriday

    galfriday New Member

    You are helpful. My son is literally my reason for living right now. Good to tell me he might need me still when he is grown. Actually, any reply is a good reply. Thank you.
  6. galfriday

    galfriday New Member

    I am clearly in over my head!

    Although still not doing jumping Jack's, I did have a good laugh when I realized I was crying about my supposed suicide 8 years in the future. That is kind of funny.

    Today may be painful. Who knows what will change in 8 years?

    Aren't I lucky to have all this time in which to prevent my own suicide?

    I'd like to thank the three of you for "listening."

    I am seeing a therapist but because of the loss of my job can only afford to go every two or three months.

    If she were here she would tell me anyone going through these things would be depressed. And that would help. It's not weakness or failing, it's normal.

    I will make sure to respond to someone else in pain and pass this along. Thanks again.
  7. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Hi. I am so sorry to hear about all that is going on in your life. So many challenges. Glad you are in therapy. But I am saddend to hear that it had to be cut back. Have you discussed sliding scale or reduced fee with your therapist? I would suspect you have. But just in case, I thought I would mention it.

    I think this community is great. So I hope you can post here often. Because you do have so much you are dealing with. There is even an area where you can start a journal.

    And yes, anyone going though all of these things would be depressed. And yes, its NOT a weakness or a failing at all. I personallyt thinkg that one of the very most important thing you can do for yourself now is to set up a good support system. Here and anywhere else. If you live in the US then you could call united way by dialing 211, they should have listings of support groups in your area for people who are caring for a parent with alzheimers ( or other similar forms of dementia). They may have listing of a support group for people who are living with MS. I hope you will seek out local support systems. AND continue to post here. Support. How could you possible get through this without a lot of it?

    Finally, I have to agree with what people have said. Your son will not want to lose you when he is 18 or 28 or 38. You are his mom. Even if you are in ill health and need support and help. Losing a mom is serious stuff. right? Sending you a few of these :hug: :hug: :hug:
  8. plato

    plato Member

    8 years is a very long time.... I'm glad u could laugh at the fact you were crying about the future, I think that's a good sign. Ur son will always need you in his life, we all need our mammys! I know my son is my main inspiration for still being here. My problems seem trivial when I read some stories here, nice to be able to talk freely though.
  9. prakash

    prakash Well-Known Member

    you are too depressed. Cheer up !!! Life is not that bad. You can solve your problems. Suicide is not a solution to your problmes. Keep posting here to vent your emotions.
  10. fallenangel

    fallenangel Member

    hello galfriday,

    i am very glad and humbled by your post, and i give you my utmost respect for even being sensible knowing of the commitments you have despite of the circumstances.
    it is not easy to have parents with AD, little ones and even having MS yourself...

    i hope that you are able to establish a certain kind of emotional support on your side within your community... be it a social support group, relatives and all...
    at this point in time, it appears that you are really tired, and i pray to God that your soul and spirit will be refreshed that you will be uplifted to look after the family like you have always done. and i pray to God for providence and blessings and mercy and grace to be poured upon your family...

    it is important that when things are stretching you out, that you try and seek help... try and find a source of motivation or encouragement that would give you the strength to move on each day...
    i hope you will be good and well...
    be strong and ever will be!
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