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I have been going to a ketamine clinic for almost a year. Mostly, I think, it is helping.

It is a little awkward, however. When I was much younger I did recreational hallucinogens, and eventually had a 'bad trip', followed by a flashback and a year of consequential anxiety.

At first, the ketamine therapy was great. The sky was a little more blue, the birds sang a little more and a little more sweetly...that sort of thing. The biggest thing was that I didn't go from zero to 'THE END OF THE WORLD' in a millisecond. Because that was going well, I went off pill meds (SSRI). The follow up treatments every 3 months are good, though accompanied by increasing 'bad trip' anxiety...hasn't happened, but the anxiety is still there. But in some ways it seems to be following the same pattern other meds do...great at first and then plateau. It takes the edge off the bad feelings, but I have been going to the End Of The World rather quickly, to the point of thinking The End would be better. Granted, it doesn't last as long, but, still...

I have not yet discussed this with the provider, I don't know if more frequent or higher doses would help. Either way, price will be an issue, as insurance doesn't cover it and I ain't rich.

It doesn't help that I lost my regular counseling session due to work schedule, and then COVID happened.

And now comes Seasonal Affective Disorder to put icing on the cake.

Hang on, hang on...the sun will come out again someday.
The thought has occurred to me.

I can't say that I have tried all the options there, but it is difficult to try to live on hope alone. Also, they all seem to follow the pattern...good at first, then dropping to a plateau that is pretty much the same as without.


SF Supporter
The thought has occurred to me.

I can't say that I have tried all the options there, but it is difficult to try to live on hope alone. Also, they all seem to follow the pattern...good at first, then dropping to a plateau that is pretty much the same as without.
This is where having a very good & trusted / reliable psychiatrist can come into play. When you address these issues (the ‘plateau-ing,’ & such). They are supposed to be able to adjust your medication dosages accordingly. So as to avoid or help improve / change this (effect). And when that does not work - they can always change the med altogether (or add / subtract, something else~). PCP/GP’s regular doctors are good at this. But not great 😌... (in my complex experience; of course, I am a very complicated case / patient!) :)


SF Supporter
One question you might want to ask yourself, and I think it is a good one. How does this feeling you’ve got now, compare with when you’d made the decision to abandon, or go-off of them (the AD’s?). . .
Yes, a good question.

To be quite honest with myself, I'm not sure I have ever trusted any of my mental health providers, other than the ketamine clinic doc. (That is an entirely separate thing).

When I was young and religious, I never trusted (or even thought about trusting), my "spiritual leaders". They always seemed at odds with what I could see and believe.

When I finally reached out to mental health providers, I was put on very wrong meds. That particular provider ended up spending several sessions complaining to me about his impending divorce, and I got charged for it. I hope he enjoyed(enjoys) his Porsche.

My initial experience with ketamine was very good. The results of the treatments were such that whatever feeble help the SSRI's had accomplished were pretty much eclipsed.

I am beginning to think/realize that the ketamine is working fine. I have never learned to confront the problems in my life, so I can medicate the results all I want (professionally or abusive/self med), but that won't fix anything.

I have been fucked when I confronted bosses about practices that were just wrong. My marriage fell apart 10 years ago because we can't/won/t communicate. I have tried. I have followed the advice of the counselor that both of us were seeing for years, initially together, then separately. For example, when I questioned what seemed to me to be a difference in how a situation was treated when I was the initiator vs. how it was handled when she was the initiatoress, rather than the expected (counselor coached skills) conversation, the response I got was "Because I'm the world's biggest BITCH!"

As I said earlier, I can't live on hope alone. Hope in one hand, shit in the other. See which one fills up faster.

Much in the way I lost faith in Faith, I have lost faith in healthcare. There are religious figures that I still respect (Keith Green, Albert Schweitzer, for example), and I love my regular doc (hate his staff) of 15+ years, my no-nonsense dentist...I agree with the doc that runs the ketamine clinic: Big Pharma views the world as a feedlot, and we (the people) are the cattle. Belly up to the trough. I can respect them, but faith is an entirely different kettle of fish.

Chris Smither has a song, Just Can't Shake These Blues....something to the effect of...I went to see my doctor, he gave me a bottle of dope and said shake it up, but I just can't shake these blues.

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