One thing i am not is cared for by the majority of people on here. I have to keep my thoughts and feelings to myself and remain in pain and depressed because trying to cheer up is not allowed. People can say and do whatever they want to me on here and get away with it so ya know what, whats the point?
The majority of people here will care - but a lot are in pain and so its understandable if many don't pass a kind comment.
As people know you a little - I think everyone who sticks around here does care. Some are able say - others well - its hard to care for others when you hate yourself - it truly is.
As for keeping feelings in - why?
I'll let mine out - and don't care what anyone thinks - unless they think something nice for me.
I hate depression - in the past I hurt people or pushed them away (hurt them to push them away) or just kept at a distance. Even love scared me - I mean, I'd cheerfully have relations with almost any woman (that way one will surely have me!) but getting too close? I mean - how much can a man hide? Answer - actually a lot - but in the end - it weighs down upon you. You cannot carry that big a lie all your life. I tried - but now I know its wasted time for sure.
I actually think almost everyone I know would accept me for what I am, have been, and could be for a little bit longer. Sometimes a stranger looks at me from the mirror also. For all of us right?
Er - an overshare? Well, maybe - but I'm just saying - sometimes we do push people away. I know how to 'play the game' now - I can socialise, look happy - be the man you might look at and think "he seems to be having a good time"
People would never suspect me.
And we all act sometimes. You pass someone in the street and say your doing 'great' when your not. But this 'act' is a brave attempt to avoid creating a world in which maybe everyone is sad because everyone around them is sad. I mean - you can end up negative and I was that way for a long time. Cynical - wary - friends with every man but I was my own enemy. I Am. But I'm trying hard not to be.
Do you know what an 'empath' is? Well, if it existed it would be a being so totally able to empathise that if just one psychopath landed on a planet of peaceful co-existing empaths - everyone 'empath' would become a killer because they would empathise so deeply.
Humans are not empaths - but we have an extraordinary gift to empathise with others. I think people are almost like 'empaths' as their emotional connections with others are linked. I think a lot of depression starts with people almost 'fed up' - and this is because we are social creatures at heart - and a 'loner' is just someone struggling to make that connection.
And if we reject ourselves - hate ourselves and carry anger around that does not need carrying.
Ultimatly - no matter help we get - in the end WE have to be the ones that kick our own ass. I'm not saying that in a nasty sense angerfist - its as much for me as anyone else. My motto also - kick MY ass before I kick anyone else's.
In fact - here! kick it yourself! Kick my sorry ass!
For men - our struggle is to be 'the man' - I mean to feel like we are special - we are what we are - and people WILL accept us or they will be idiots! WE do rule. Its about just letting that 1% bit of good feeling everyone has buried inside to crawl out of the cocoon.
You know when a caterpillar looks like its some dead thing hanging off a plant? That's how I felt - and feel sometimes.
I was able to see out of the cocoon - break open the 'shell' and peer at the freedom around - the beauty and the dangers. Staying in the cocoon - there is no 'danger' - but as humans we are destined to break out of it. It is how we grow and develop.
For a caterpillar, I don't know what it feels as it turns from some fairly ugly creature - that leaves a mess in the garden and eats your plants. But I know how I feel - and I think for us its the FEAR of FLYING - the letting go of a previous self - previous life - the 'you' that was always going to change into someone else no matter what.
So for me depression, is the cocoon stage.
You got to let go of the fear of flying - and fly.
A butterfly - its life seems brief only because look back at it.
One day we look back at our lives.
And I assure you it will go so fast.
Even the endless nights - the bad times, days worse than any others - they also pass. Seems forever - but actually its not.
I think I have already made friends with you here - drop by and say 'hi' anytime!
Hope some of this helps angerfist - people do care - you are not on your own.
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I'll be back in London tomorrow xx