Kill me, kill me, kill me, kill me!

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Emerald Hyperion, Dec 11, 2011.

  1. Emerald Hyperion

    Emerald Hyperion Not So Well-Known Member

    I've been shaking all morning, evening, and night. The shakes, they won't stop. I'm going to lose my mind. I hear the voices taunting me. I'm losing any sanity I had left. I can't resist the urge to want to die. I can't focus. I can't sleep. I can't think. I can't eat.

    Someone or something, please kill me. I don't care how it is done. End my pathetic life so this shell of a corpse can finally rest at peace. I can't take the shaking anymore. My whole body is trembling. I can't form a complete thought anymore without shuddering. I've gone beyond insane and nobody knows it.

    I can't write anymore.
     
  2. Lost_Daughter

    Lost_Daughter Well-Known Member

    The shakes are your body and mind reacting, probably to the pain, saddness, and fear you are probably going through in life right now. Have you ever had a panic attack? People think they come and go quickly, but if you are alone and don't know how to deal with one, they can go on for what seems like an eternity. I know this probably isn't what you want to hear, but you need to call someone for help. Someone you know and trust to take you to a hospital for treatment and help, or if you feel you don't have anyone, just call 911 and tell them you want to harm yourself and need help. Don't give up on yourself, getting better may be a struggle, but who better to fight for than yourself? Take care and please reach out for help. :hug:
     
  3. Sais

    Sais Well-Known Member

    Hey! It does sound like a panic attack. Try not to focus on it and on your physiological reactions, you're not going insane, you're not going to die, it might also be because you haven't been eating, the two combined, try to focus on something else like describing the stuff in the room you're in, they eventually subside on their own, don't oppose it because you'll only give it more energy.
    Tell us how are.
     
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hun let us know how you are doing now okay. I hope you went in to hospital to get some help hun and i hope your trembling has stopped Keep talking to us hun so you know you are not alone hugs
     
  5. xXWhateverItTakesXx

    xXWhateverItTakesXx Forum Buddy

    I agree, it sounds like a panic attack. I hope you did get some form of help. I have had 2 major panic attacks, and ended up at hospital both times, it's so so scary I know, but it can be treated. But also they can be quite dangerous if you can't control it (I stopped breathing) I really hope you are ok :hug: xx
     
  6. Crashland

    Crashland Well-Known Member

    I can most certainly say it is NOT a panick attack! Do try to post more, mate! Whatever you are experiencing; it is NOT hopeless.

    Take care,

    Crash
     
  7. Emerald Hyperion

    Emerald Hyperion Not So Well-Known Member

    Hi Lost_Daughter, yes, you're correct. It took me awhile to calm down after I had forced myself to go to bed last night. I eventually fell asleep. When I woke up though, I didn't start shaking again until for the past 15 minutes or so. I finally managed to calm down somehow and get myself together, luckily. Yes I've had panic attacks MANY times over the course of my life (you could probably call them anxiety attacks too). The same symptoms now as they were back then, the trembling, thoughts of self-harm/suicide, lashing out at those that offended me, the needs to be in isolation, cluttered thoughts. It's happened to me many times before and I still don't know how I've dealt with it without doing something that could've locked me up in the nearest asylum. Sheer willpower? Who knows. And I couldn't agree with people coming and going and it lasting forever. That and loneliness has been a constant, recurring theme in my life.

    I know I do need help, but I wonder if anyone can truly help me. Make the 15+ years of pain and sadness truly go away with just a syringe and some psychological research. I've been to the hospital once when I was 18 under the means of suicide threats, but at that time, thanks my parents not wanting to me to get the help I needed, I had to convince everyone that I wasn't suicidal/insane. No thanks to the parental unit not wanting to help me no matter how many times I've shown that I wasn't like every other normal teen. It can be terrible practically shouting for help but everybody just shrugs it off like it's nothing. Then suddenly people will get all shocked when something does happen and it can't be reversed. So its like, you're left feeling alone on this, like you have to handle the problems on your own.

    I've thought so many times about admitting myself into a psych ward or something but I'm afraid of being in confinement (although it probably would be the right thing for me). But, its probably only of matter of time before I end up going the call 911 route. I wanted to take a razor and cut my right arm just to see my blood yesterday but I had to force myself to not do it. I'm sorry for making this post so lengthy. I wish I had someone I could trust and depend on in real life for this kind of thing but I know I don't. Let's just say I'm forced to keep plugging along like this for now. Swimming in an ocean of blindness with nothing to keep me afloat but my own legs. :hugs:

    Hi Sais, how are you? I'm feeling a little better now that I'm sitting here typing and placing my focus on other things. Doing that helps calm me down, or distracting myself like reading or playing a game or something. I'm going to have to do that later today, I'd say. Whatever it takes to make the pain go away. Temporarily, at best.

    Hi total. I'm doing okay now. I wish I could get help, but I can't at the moment. I'd also be scared of what will happen. Kind of like a lost child lost in a really big city. Too scared to move, too scared to seek help, too scared to trust anyone. It probably doesn't make much sense. One of these days though, before its too late, I need to make up my mind with what I want. Yes, my trembling/shaking has stopped for now. Thank you. I'm glad to know I'm not alone here. :hug:

    Hi Whatever. Panic attacks are very terrible and frightening. It makes it feel like you've been closed off from the world and like you're stuck in a space you can't escape from. An overwhelming and potentially damaging sensation. I really am very sorry that you've went through that as well. :hug: I have had to keep my attacks subdued so they couldn't be noticed by anyone else. I'm okay now though. Thank you.

    Hi Crash. There could be different definitions or views of what I was experiencing, friend. It has been by far from the first time though, since I've been having these kinds of episodes for well over a good majority of my life (I'm 27). Somehow, someway, I've been managing to keep myself from completely drowning without going off the deep end. But it feels like I'm really on the verge of doing something I can't come back from. I'm trying to have hope, but it seems like a long, endless void of nothing but misery and pain, well, at least until death.

    Thank you all for the replies. I'm feeling better now for the time being. It's been so long since I made a public post relating to depression I had forgotten that I wasn't alone.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 11, 2011
  8. plshelpme

    plshelpme Well-Known Member

    that's exactly how i feel!!!!!

    and, idk if this will work for you, but try going to the movies when you aren't feeling well. or watching a movie if you can't go to them. i don't often have somebody to go to the movies with, so i go alone, and i've gotten really really used to it, to the extent that i might actually like going alone (although it would still be nice if somebody would go with me). going to afternoon movies when nobody is really at the theater is a lot of fun. :) this is how i get through any extended period of time spent with my family (like the upcoming holidays that i'm dreading so much), since they trigger me a lot (partially cuz i feel guilty, and partially cuz i resent them for never helping me and ignoring the obvious)

    hope you are well...
     
  9. Emerald Hyperion

    Emerald Hyperion Not So Well-Known Member

    I can relate! Because that's exactly what I do. Movies at the theater have gotten more expensive over the years, but when I do go, I'm always alone. I can't even remember the last time I went to the movie theater with someone. But I'd rather be alone anyway, especially if its just me or one other person there. It's like a feeling of complete isolation but you get so engrossed in the movie you hardly think about anything else. I can't stand spending time around family myself. All I would ever hear is how everyone else is successful with their jobs or marriages or finding happiness with religion. Then I have to contend with them asking me what I am doing with my life... as if I could say "Yeah, I'm great! I'm on the verge of killing myself, hopeless at romance, and still jobless." It gets so sickening hearing the successes of everyone else every time. Everybody's got their own head too shoved far up their ass to understand what it's like to actually have failures under your belt.

    Anyway. I'm fine for now, pls. Thank you for the reply.