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(Kill me)-What makes you stop?!?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Perishable, Jan 7, 2008.

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  1. Perishable

    Perishable Well-Known Member

    Well fuck.
    Here I am again.
    I can't believe the desperation I have for some sort of justice...and for it to become an unsolved matter profounds me to the fullest.

    Recently, I have been going through the lowest points of emotions, which I would like to call insanity. But it is entirely creepy, even to myself, due to the fact that I don't think anyone can tell I am truely fed up with breathing on this fucking earth. It is all masked...or hidden beyond another's perception.

    My mother... The bitch that she is...
    I cannot stand her at the least. At first I wished to be gone from her, to never again see her face and to give her the pain of knowing her child no longer desires her presence (if ever) and hates her every whim and way. But now I wish her death, and that death would either be hers or mine. Every word she utters fills me with complete irratince. I feel like disembowling myself in front of her, so that she can watch the child of which she birthed...bleed to death because of her abuse and controling...disgusting ways.


    I hate myself amoungst all creatures.
    Very much. I am of no use. I am defective and pessimistic. (Most days)
    An infectious disease that only spreads amoungst myself and worsens as the days progress and I decrease in well being.

    The only reason I am living is because of love. But my minds perception of love & sexuality is completing distorted to the level of confusion. So I am just not even going to have the least of worries in that. I will just let things go and move with what happens...

    I am not sure what I mean by any of this... I guess this is a frustrated vent.
    My irratated ranting.

    I cannot bear to live with myself! I have been cutting myself.
    Deprivation and malicious.

    I want to Overdose.
    But I have not found the proper pills.
    So I think Starvation would be my best pick.

    I know I Shouldn't.

    Here's a question:

    "What makes you stop yourself from commiting suicide?"

    Even if you just think about it. What makes you stop from commencing forth...??? I happen to think about my friends. I know if I go, they will feel so much pain from my going. I love them and wish to not do them harm in any form.
    But... I know that reason is not going to suffice for me. I want to know makes you stop...Perhaps there are reasons you have that I have not thought of. That might bring a different perspective to my crippled and demented way of thinking...
    I'm an idiot.
  2. ava.

    ava. Well-Known Member

    My parents have been through a lot together. And i really don't want to be the one to split them up, or drive them both into depression, again. They annoy the hell out of me most of the time, but i really couldn't make them go through the whole grieving process again - it was bad enough with my brother and uncle.

    I've always thought that, but the past few days have made me want to ignore all that and just do it anyway.
  3. WhyMeWhy

    WhyMeWhy Well-Known Member

    I guess the only reason I'm living is because it would hurt so many if I actually ended it all, I have a big family who actually care about me-possibly more than I care for my life. Then I think of all the ways things could be worse for me-I'm lucky they found a medication to stop all the voices I used to hear. I've been through hell, but I'm better now-somewhat anyway. So I live for the things that I could never live w/out..... which are my love for my cat, my love for music, and lastly..... my love for drugs. Atleast I have that much to look forward to. :smoke:
  4. bleach

    bleach Well-Known Member

    Less and less every day.
  5. Moteh

    Moteh Member

    As much as I would like to take my own life, it would hurt...well I guess only a couple of people, but regardless, I hate inflicting pain to other people(mental/physical) even though I may dream of doing so at times.

    Maybe I'm just too much of a coward to seek the dire pain needed to finish my body off..after all, I have been running from it for most of my life
  6. Perishable

    Perishable Well-Known Member

    This seems to be a soul prime of not completing the tendencie of suicide that occurs to most of us...
    Stopping what we wish to set out to do because we hold high regard to those we love. (obviously...)

    But... I think i'm slowly slipping from the grasp of concept.
  7. phuqtup

    phuqtup New Member

    I am bored.

    Fucking bored.

    Boredom lets you know that there is nothing else now.

    This is the actual point of death.

    Nothing ever stops.
  8. Lead Savior

    Lead Savior Well-Known Member

    I feel the same way you do, it is my loved ones that hold me back. There have been many times where I wished I had no one so that I could easily disappear.

    I also feel as you do about losing that restraint, eventually I will justify everything and leave because I cannot live for others.
  9. pit

    pit Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear you're still in pain.

    My pain will never stop. I'm having difficulties at work. I can barely maintain a job it seems, and school is a motherfucker. I can't tell you how badly I want my life to end.

    But if I did do something drastic, I'd feel worse. The doctors and psychiatrists would make me feel like an idiot for damaging myself. They only care about my money. And who knows, I might permanently damage myself. The thing is, I want to do it. I want to buy a gun and do it. I don't want to be listed as a suicidal gesture by a police officer who would laugh at my suicide attempt.

    Just because I'm alive doesn't mean that I want to be here. It doesn't mean that I'm enjoying myself. It doesn't mean that I'm a pussy for not trying suicide. It's the only thing I know how to do.

    Dr. Kevorkian said any person will kill themselves when the physical or mental pain overwhelms them to the point where the pain of self destruction doesn't matter. I can't wait to get to that point.
  10. rojomi

    rojomi Banned Member

    The uncertainty that things could get better? :drool:But seriously, killing oneself is NOT an easy thing to do, aside from the fact that a suicide survivor is even more of a pain in the ass for people to deal w/. Personally,I can't do it because it would leave a mess (physically & emotionally) to the few people that I have ties to left in this world. Plus, there's NO painless sure clean way to do it. I guess you could pull a Ted Kozinski and disappear, but wtp?
    I used to think Kevorkian was 'The Angel of Death'. Guess again. While I'm all for terminally ill patients w/ NO quality of life to opt for assisted suicide, that's not what he was about. If you read his writings & theories, they are more along the lines of Hitler. Assisted death so that the earth can be ruled by a strong, pure, stable group who would dominate & decide who goes & who stays. Not exactly the picture of the kindly M.D. 'allowing' the terminally ill to pass-on.
  11. Perishable

    Perishable Well-Known Member

    Uncertainty is a good motivation.
    But do you know what is certain?
    That there is no happiness without suffering.

    I'm just one of those people who see the world as a cruel place that has been destructed to the point of no return.

    That is the soul purpose of the reason for why I have not been to one.
    I'm sure im fucking loaded with personality disorders...
    I just can't explain 99% of the bad shit that goes on in my head.
    So my problems seem minimal.
  12. xmda001

    xmda001 Member

    Do you really think I care and make any sort of provision about what I will leave behind? Suicide for me I know is going to be the most selfish thing I am ever going to do. I need not think any further than that. Why the hell would I? Suicide is as painful as the way you choose to do it. I self harm and have done for so long I no longer feel anything so I take things like that into account.. Suicide is as messy or clean as you want it to be. I just think you are not standing where I am because you show no insight of what it actually feels like when you lose the fight against yourself. For me everything just seemed to stop one time. The problem is that I forgot to get back on. You can't fix that.
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