Killing everyone around me

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by river16, Aug 22, 2007.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. river16

    river16 Member

    I feel like such a bad person. I am suicidally depressed, and cut myself to take away some of the pain. Well my mom (unknown to me at the time) also has a history of depression. Finally one day I could not take it any more. Either I would kill myself or I would try to get help. Well when I told my mom about my problems she got really depressed too. It was the whole "my son wants to kill himself, so I must have done something wrong" thing. She did nothing wrong I am just a fuck up and should not have been born. Anyway, I could not stand seeing my mom so sad, so I faked it. I pretended to be happy and stopped cutting for a while. She bought it, but now I am afraid that she will find out again, I dont want to hurt her. So I think I will find some way to kill myself and make it look like an accident. My purpose in posting is to ask if there is any alternative. I can not go on living like this, and I cannot tell my parents or any stupid people who will tell them thinking that they are helping. What can I do? I dont think that there is any hope...
  2. bunny

    bunny Staff Alumni

    perhaps if you went to the doctor, explained how you feel and how you think your mother will react to knowing how you feel then arrange going to see the doctor with your mother, so that you can both (you and doctor) explain that it's not her or your fault how you are feeling but you do need help for it, the doctor may even be able to get you some joint therapy so you can both work on how you feel you effect the other? (as well as seperate therapy for each of you?)
  3. Blackness

    Blackness Guest

    you mother obviously cares about you , be truthful and she can be there to support you
  4. river16

    river16 Member

    Its all over. My mom was snooping around my bedroom and picked up my journal and my razor fell out. The one I cut with. I am a horrible person. What kind of person would do that to their own mother? I really do not deserve to go on living. But now that she knows, I cannot kill myself because she would know that it was not an accident. She is going to make me go see a councilor. I feel like such a fuck up, and I am scared. I dont know what to do. I dont know if the councilor can help...
  5. stayorgo

    stayorgo Member


    YOU ARE NOT A FUCK UP!!!!!! We can not help how our brains make us feel. I recently have been thinking about taking my life, but the only reason I haven't is because it would kill my mother and my soul would go to hell. Yesterday my mother was very worried about me. She thought I was going to hurt myself. I told her not to worry, I wouldn't put her through that. I am 40 years old. Our mothers will always love us like the babies they gave birth to. I went to see an endocronologist this past friday. I already take a medication for depression, but started feeling lifeless, no reason to go on, very sad, and no reason to exist. I have a thyroid problem and take meds for it but the doctor said it wasn't right. He ran all kind of blood test my thyroid and pitituary glands. I just had the thyroid checked at the end of july and the other doctor said it was fine, but he only ran one test. the endocronologist said that our glands control our hormones at all ages and can make us feel depressed and the way I have been feeling. I've been so bad that all I do is go to bed get up lay on the couch and go to bed. I might leave the house once a week or every 2 weeks. no desire to do anything. when I was first diagnosed with hypothyoridism about 10 years ago, I was first dianosed with depression, well it wasn't depression at all it was hypothyroidism. After taking medication for it those feeling went away. Well they have come back stronger and more of them for the last 2 years and I was put back on antidepressants, now I'm being told by a specialist that it could be my thyroid or pituitary glands causing the sorrow. At this time I have no drive, no will power, no energy, no needs, nothing makes want to get up and move around. If you have depression there is help out there. you don't have to keep it a secret. get help, see the counsoulor and a specialist doctor to run blood work before they put you on antidepressants. Don't be scared to talk to your mother, she would rather you talk to her and be open instead of keeping it all bottled up. by talking to her she knows you are being upfront with her and she can deal with that better than you pretending nothing is wrong. Mothers are very smart and they don't always tell us what they are thinking. Don't be embarrased about the way you feel and it can get better. Your reaching out for help and that is a good sign that you want to live. Also, you can't fool your mother by faking an accidental death. her life would be over if you ended yours. when you see the doctor tell them everything you feel, don't hold anything back. they will not judge you no matter how crazy it sounds in your head. trust me they have herd much worse and they don't judge people for there feelings because they know how the brain works. keep in mind if you aren't honest with them and you pretend, they can't help you. Always be honest with your mother, she loves you and she will do anything to protect you!!!!!!!! Don't worry about upsetting her with your feelings because she is strong enough to help you as long as you are alive, she will only weeken if you leave her forever!

  6. TranceAngel

    TranceAngel Well-Known Member

    hey river...i have to agree with everyone who says you are NOT a fuck up. these things that go on in our minds...they are not your fault. hopefully the counsellor will help. just know that i and others here really do care about you and know you deserve a happier life. i hope you'll stay in touch.
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.