Killing me slowly...

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Jen5, Feb 11, 2013.

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  1. Jen5

    Jen5 Member

    Have a hubby that everyone loves and two gorgeous daughters aged 12 and 9.5. Just cant do this anymore. I have PTSD, Anxiety & Panic Disorder, Depression, Agoraphobia and Social Phobias. I used to have a great career until I had a breakdown 9 years ago from workplace bullying. I worked for the company for 14 years and they just turned their backs on me. I felt hugely betrayed and hurt and my life has been a downward spiral ever since. I have been on over 65 anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medications but nothing works. My doctors don't know what to do with me, my husband doesn't know how to handle me and I am just a burden on everyone around me. I just can't do this anymore. I can't do it to my husband. I can't do it to my girls. I can't do it to all the people who have tried to help. I see in their eyes how I disappoint them and I just can't do it to them anymore. I love them too much for that. Does anyone know the effects that a parental suicide will have on children that age? Is it just short term? I know people will initially be upset, they will say they should have all done more, that I should have reached out for help etc but soon enough they will say it was inevitable and it is a release for me and my family. So can anyone help with the question regarding the girls? Much appreciated
  2. frantic

    frantic Well-Known Member

    The main thing is that it puts kids at high risk for suicide themselves. Not necessarily right now, but it can be years from now.

    This is something I'm struggling with myself right now.
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I can tell you the effects on your two girls will be a life time there is not short time grieving when you lose a parent to suicide You set them up with the same coping skills that they too will see suicide as a way out. Instead you hun hold on to their love you fight for not only YOU but themok show them there is other ways to cope. CBT DBT therapy ECT treatment hun you do not give up on YOU or their love ok don't sentenced them to life time of sadness don't pass on your pain
    It is the only reason i have not left iwill not destroy my children by leaving i will just endure the sadness untill it is my time to go
  4. Jen5

    Jen5 Member

    Thanks frantic. I am worried that the longer they are around me the bigger the chance they will end up like me anyway.
  5. Jen5

    Jen5 Member

    Thanks Total Eclipse. They live their lives "worried" about mummy. I see how the lack of being able to fix me is killing my husbands love for me. I see the disappointment in his eyes every time I look at him. I see the girls looking at me sideways to see how I am doing. They will all end up hating me which I can fully understand as I don't deserve their love. I have let them all down I just can't continue to keep hurting them and killing their love one painful day at a time until they all despise me as much as I despise myself
  6. Jen5

    Jen5 Member

    Sorry Total Eclipse I forget to say yes I have been through CBT etc but nothing has helped
  7. Mozart

    Mozart Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry to hear about your struggle and I am not really able to advise you medically,but I can see it most be so discouraging after having tried
    so many paths. Please don't give up. Your daughters will never get over that if you end your life. My mother killed herself long time ago and it creeps up on me whenever there are serious crises around. I don't blame her for it ,and she was in a similar situation ,nothing seemed to help at the time, but I know now that we haven't tried enough. We weren't aware enough of how helpless one becomes. I don't think your husband is disappointed, I think he is helpless and frightened as my father and I were. Please talk about it, to him, maybe try another therapist, try everything,don't give up. I hope this is not crappy advice from somebody who battles along too,but you have only this one life and your family only has one wife and mother... If there are better days try to find out hang on to them and see what made them better...take care.
  8. NottiShark

    NottiShark Member

    My dad killed himself when I was 12 and I can tell you that 'after effects' are NOT short term, as you can possible assume based on my presence on this forum :) (I'm 25 now btw).

    Through all these years I also was dealing w/ depression, panic attacks, anxiety and OCD. For me personally meds never really worked, CBT maybe but probably just a bit. I had been highly suicidal for last 6 months until I found REAL myself and understand that I only have depression, anxiety etc. but I'm none of them and on the deepest level I'm whole and healthy. I found that through thing called 'mindfulness'. Just google it. If you have any question I'm always available via PM.

    peace of mind!
  9. Jen5

    Jen5 Member

    Thanks but it is so hard when I have been told there is nothing more that can be done for me and I just seem to make everyone miserable
  10. NottiShark

    NottiShark Member

    I know its hard, really really hard, In my opinion being suicidal is the worst, most challenging position a human being can find himself into. Even being a dying person from cancer is easier to handle (how many suicidal people pray everyday for cancer or other lethal disease ?).

    The real problem is that to get out of this hell depends a lot on you. Its not like having a flu when you can just take meds and be fine. So I know its frustrating that you have been told there is nothing more THEY can do for you. Maybe thats true, maybe its not but nevertheless there is always a lot YOU can do for yourself. Thats why I mentioned mindfulness. Is REALLY easy stuff but require some work and dedication but final results might be absolutely miraculous. You can just listen to free audiobook of fantastic book touching this subject here: .

    And by the way, its not a new age bullshit or buddha wanna be mumbo-jumbo :) Its getting more and more popular even in mainstream psychology. If you love actually to have somebody guiding you rather than finding out for yourself you can search for some therapist specializing in MBCT:

    Hope I helped and best of luck for you and your daughters. I feel somewhere that in the end everything will be OK with you!
  11. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hiyas, do you currently spend quality time with your 2 daughters? If not then it is time to. Show them how much they mean to you. They can be your reason to keep going, I hate to repeat things but I must echo what has already been said, that if you do commit suicide, your children will be at high risk from suicide also, I don't mean to make you feel guilty in any way but please think about your daughters, they need their mum.
    I know you have said you have been on more than 65 meds which is astonishing, but medication and therapy go hand in hand, would you be willing to give therapy a go?
  12. Jen5

    Jen5 Member

    Thanks everyone for your replies. Yes I do spend quality time with my girls. We are extremely close. I have also attended my psychiatrist, my psychologist and my gp who specialises in mental health ever since my breakdown nine years ago. O have always followed their advice and they take wonderful care of me but alas my life is what it is xxx
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