Killing me softly

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Deceptive Innocence, Apr 4, 2007.

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  1. I'm tired of being sick and i'm tired of being tired. I want it to be over now. I'm tired of waiting for the end to come-i know it will. I've been battling this for too long and i'm so tired. My family is tired and I am tired. Can I give up? Can I end the fight? I don't know- I think sometimes it would be better for me to end it myself instead of waiting for my body to kill itself off. It's so slow this way. I hate not being able to leave the house. I hate that i'm 23 and have to live at home under constant care. My mom looks at me like i'm breakable. Fragile. I'm not a damn porcelain doll. Dying sucks remind me never to do this again. I'm lonely here- everyone is asleep and its quiet...and dark in my room. Maybe i'll go take a bath and let myself slip under the waters surface...
     
  2. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    I'm sorry to hear your feeling so down :sad: i reallly do hope you can keep fighting this. You've made it this fair so you are strong, keep that strength up, please stay safe.

    Take care. :hug:

    btw i love the song title :wink:
     
  3. TwilightKid

    TwilightKid Well-Known Member

    I am staying at home too and my mum cares about me too much. I dont like that at all! But i dont have the money to move out, its too expensive. Well i cant say i am itching to move out, but it would be just so nice if my mum just left me alone sometimes! Like yesterday we had an argument again, and the reason was sao stupid! Gosh, i wish she would see i am not a 15 year old gal anymore! Lets hope she will leave me alone today when she is back from work... :dry:
     
  4. I want to be normal- I want to move out. I do not have that option. There is no lack of money, resources or time. Its a lack of health. I'm going to die-and thats all there is. There's no white picket fence...there's no happily ever after- the leukemia is going to end whats left of me someday. I don't get to be normal and fight with my parents and hang with my friends. I don't get to be anything but what i've become...and what i've become I don't recognize
     
  5. gitana

    gitana SF Friend & Antiquitie's Friend Staff Alumni

    oh hon.. I know that it would be easy to just give up..give in and I wouldn't blame you at all.. Nobody understands until one walks in a person's shoes and you are fighting such a battle and it is tiring.. I know you want to be normal, sweetie.. and have a life and be happy.. I am glad that you are here.. and wrote about how you feel.. Never thought about that concept of being normal and getting to fight with one's parents.. have been there with my parents when I was young..

    My heart goes deeply out to you in your struggle to be normal.. May I ask how long you have had leukemia? Did they give you a time frame?? Well, hon.. I have been through it alll so focusing on the positive side.. of this...
    Try not to believe in what the drs. or other people say.. I have known people who have not had a chance in this world to make it with any cancer.. close to me.. okay, hon.. if you can try to find a reason to fight.. I know it is very difficult. and being young.. and yes, the struggle to live is a battle and go on..

    If you don't mind, and I don't want to give false hope.. but I want to encourage you from what I know.. is that okay?

    One thing is to maybe find postive tapes to listen to.. if you haven't already.. I can share from experience.. my cousin,when he was 14, had lymphatic leukemia.. told he would never make it.. my aunt, kept encouraging him.. playing positive tapes.. I don't know if you are spiritual or not but whatever works.. and funny tapes.. it looked like he was going to not make it but she persisted.. and he had to go through Chemo/radiiation.. the drs. were amazed at the time as he was able to eat regular food and not get sick.. from chemo/radiation.. he is now in his early 40's.

    My neice-in-law, mother had breast cancer and in remission... then the cancer came back.. later.. spread throughout her whole body, her spine, brain, and numerous tumors.. made her a paraplegia or quad.. she was stilll able to talk.. and somehow find the strength.. the drs. were amazed as she was not suppose to make it at all or talk or remember.. a slow horrendous death.. grr...they gave her 6 months to live.. her b.d being Oct. 31st and she made it through 2005 somehow and nobody expected her to live this long.. and see another holiday or birthday.. Well, she made it to another birthday in 2006.. unbelieveably.. she was really bad.. given 3 months.. deep horrendous pain.. she made it to Christmas... however, before this, she started listening to positve and some spiritual healing tapes..She was never spiritual bef
    ore.. not saying that you need to go there, other tapes for positive maybe?

    She couldn't do anything for herself at all.. she was bedridden and unable to do anything.. in fetal position.. So strange, and not to give you false hope, hon.. but her mom, around the holidays was able to and it is a real miracle, was able to move for the first time in a long time.. she had cancer throughout her whole body.. and went into the brain.. now she can move her right side.. the cancer, that racked her whole body is gone except in her throat and tumor has shrunck up.. and almost gone! I was really shocked..
    Not possible at all.. ?? somewhere she found the inner strength to keep going on. and several times almost didn't make it.. but today, she is getting physical therapy to be able to walk again..

    There are several other stories I can share that seemed extremely hopeless.. and are miracles.. I don't know how you feel about me sharing this with you.. I hope it helps somewhat..

    I have Meniere's Disease, Vestibular Disorders relating to the inner ear.. An ENT can't dx. it unless full blown Meneire's.. been through alot with this.. I was told that I would never be able to read, play the piano, remember anything and eventually end up bedridden.. the drs. said.. Vertigo and neurological.. one of the drs. surpised that I never eneded up bedridden llike most people do.. If yoiu ever seen the movie Seabiscuit, I found out the lady who wrote the story, was and is bedridden in bed from a Vestibular inner ear disease.. it took her 10 years to write the book in her bed.. and then became a movie.. I use to read a book or two a day.. speed reader.. then told this and then I won't be able to read anything and remember.. what I read so decided that whatever, I would read a little each day to at least feed my brain, whether or not I remembered what I read..

    I know it doesn't compare what you are dealing with hon.. I am glad you are here.. I hope hon that this has helped you a little.. I know it is extremely hard to see any hope in the future with what you have to deal with..I could share more that I know.. of others who were told not able to make it and are here to say so.. My mom is a breast cancer survivor of 20 yrs. The dr.s dx. her wrong and she went in somewhere else.. and by that time the cancer had started spreading to her lymph nodes which is not good... and was told that she was very lucky.. she had to go through chemo/radiation and have a masectomy.. she also listented to postive healilng tapes.. after what my Aunt Lily told her how to help her since my cousin Jamie.. now known as James.. to listen to some postivie tapes.. I almost lost my mom and she was rushed into emergency surgery..

    Well, I hope this helps a little, sweetie.. I know it is easy to give up the fight.. it is hard to keep going on and eveybody is different.. You are in my thoughts always.. and I hope that this will turn around for you.. there is more technology to help people now but I know hon.. hard..

    Please keep in touch as you are up to it and feel free to PM me anytime.. I would love to keep in touch with you.. As difficult as it is sweetie.. , I hope you will keep trying to go forward.. and hopefully beat this.. You are a very special determined young lady.. try not to give up hope.. however, I undersand, when the going gets tough to keep going on.. just try if you can.. I know other people and miracle storeis that happened but didn't want to go over board on that..

    You mean alot to us here, sweetie.. and especially to me..

    Feel free to PM me anytime or need someone to talk to..
    Okay?

    Love, dearly,

    Gitana/Tracie
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 7, 2007
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