killing myself painfully

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Nobodydifferent, Jul 24, 2016.

  1. Nobodydifferent

    Nobodydifferent Well-Known Member

    I have written here from time to time, i am no help to anyone else .. i write then leave.I'm sorry. I don't know my meaning or purpose. But i needed to write . Somewhere. I have shut down all my social media elsewhere , none of my friends noticed, maybe they didn't' care. Maybe they are just sick of me. You know what i realized. In my 20's being the crazy manic psycho anorexic girl was fun to people even cute to guys, they wanted to save me. At 37, they just pity me. Nothing is cute then a spiraling out of control 95 pound adult who looks like a bag of bond who just wants to be pretty but can't get her life together. I WANT TO KILL MYSELF. The thing is I am already dead. I am just still breathing, wasting air though because if i died tomorrow my Organ donor card would be a waste , cause I promise you nothing left in me is any good. So i take up space. And vow to stay alive cause my father killed himself and I DON'T want to do that to my son. My 15 year old son who means the world to me , and sees his mother fading away (literally) and he smiles and tells me he loves me and I'm perfect and it's ok.

    I'm scared, I'm scared that i will have gotten through everything I have been through, and it's a long list .. I didn't just wake up a depressed screw up . And then I will let my body issues and my need to control this take it all. Because I'm scared to stop losing weight and fix this but i'm scared if i don't fix this. But i have no will anymore, no desire , nothing to thrive for. And yes I LOVE MY SON. And he is enough. But in a few years he's nothing more then phone calls and a few stop bys every couple a weeks.

    I'm in so much pain .. you can't imagine the pain. Well maybe you can , some of you can. Everything hurts. My legs ache , my back aches I can't lay down my ribs hurts. I have headaches. Tomorrow I have and Endoscopy and then in 2 weeks and colonoscopy cause my bowels are all F'd up .

    I'm starving for more then just food.
    I don't know if this is even the right place for this and i'm sorry if it's not ..
     
    Red Nightmare likes this.
  2. lifetalkz

    lifetalkz Well-Known Member

    I can relate to the pain-very much in fact. Even the anorexia-did that too, at almost exactly your age. That was 15 years ago-here is what I've learned since then. What I was aching for was love of-awareness of-compassion for myself. It sounds ridiculous I know-too simple and way too obvious, and yet it is the truth. The agony I felt-the loneliness, the self-hatred, everything was connected to my lack of a connection to myself and my own instincts. When I started seeing myself through kind, compassionate eyes, instead of eyes that were full of shame, anger and blame things started to change. The transformation was slow going but eventually my life was completely changed by changing my relationship with myself. I hope sharing my story helps you-even if it's just a little bit. If not-thank you for reading it anyway.
     
    SillyOldBear likes this.
  3. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Member Safety & Support

    Lifetalkz, can you share how you changed your relationship with yourself?
     
  4. lifetalkz

    lifetalkz Well-Known Member

    S-OldBear-I apologize for the long break. An exhausting day yesterday sent me to bed early last night. When I mentioned changing my relationship with myself before-what I meant was that I needed to create a relationship that was not adversarial in nature with myself in order to begin to heal my life and change it. I realized that I was an enemy to myself, not an ally. I'd learned to treat myself the way that I had been treated by friends and family for decades-with disgust, disdain and resentment. I was not surrounded by supportive, compassionate people with kind, forgiving hearts-instead it was the total opposite. I'd been pushed to be perfect since I was a small child and never achieved that goal-I was branded a failure and a psycho amongst other things. I owned those opinions over time and began to believe those things about myself.

    Long after the people in my inner circle were gone-I was still kicking the shit out of myself in my mind, constantly berating every move I made, every failed relationship, every job lost. I simply took over where they left off and filled my inner thoughts with stories about who I was and what it all meant. I know now that it was all wrong-those stories that I told myself about my value in this life were false. They were stories written by other people about who they thought I was. When I started writing my own story about my life tremendous change started happening. I saw myself as the underdog-being pushed to the brink but always continuing to believe that the river of time is merciful. If I could be patient and let go of rigid beliefs about the meaning and value of my life, I would have an opportunity to start my life over again-with a brand new head on my shoulders.

    Eventually-that is exactly what happened. It has been almost twenty years since my day of awakening-the day that I understood that I didn't have to own other peoples opinions of me and take them to heart. I had to ask myself several important questions every day-What is my opinion of myself? Isn't that all that really matters? Changing my opinion of myself was a slow, painful process-I'd spent decades of time seeing my place in the world in a certain way and that all had to change if I was to have the ability to grow. I'd been told that I was broken for so long that it was impossible to see myself as anything but a flawed, pathetic, loser with a crazy mind and a bleak future to look forward to. Why would people who supposedly loved me and cared about my well-being talk to me that way and put me down? To this day I still don't know the answer to that question but it doesn't matter anymore.

    I never talk to myself that way and put myself down in my thoughts. Don't get me wrong-I still struggle with the same demons. Times of darkness still return to my thinking over and over again-I still wonder what the point is in many of the things I do. But no matter how heavy my heart becomes I approach every situation with a spirit of renewal and hope. I approach every new experience with an open mind and a willing heart-I've found over the years that there are many surprises in life if I am willing to bend and move with the flow of things instead of being rigid and dogmatic. I still get hurt by people sometimes-people still let me down and disappointment me but I never take it personally. I am quick to forgive, not hold grudges. I believe that people do what they do because of who THEY are, not because of who I am. I live a totally different life today and it is all because I changed my inner dialogue and because my best friend instead of worst enemy. I hope this answered your question-thanks for the opportunity to share my story of hope :)
     
  5. iServe

    iServe Member

    You must not do life alone! Continue to open up just like you've done here and allow others to build you, inspire you, and instruct you on other life options. Your struggle is real and difficult to say the least. You need others to lean on, talk to, and sit quietly with. My faith in God has helped me through long valleys of disappointment and discouragement. The Scriptures have been words of truth to combat the lies of defeat and doubt. The Lord's presence amidst my pain has been my peace and company when all alone. My faith filled friends have encouraged me to never quit, I'm needed too. Take care and God bless. I wish you only the best!
     
    shania likes this.
  6. brknsilence

    brknsilence Well-Known Member

    I hope you're doing alright. Hugs

    Sorry you're struggling so much.

    I struggled off and on with an eating disorder (anorexia and bulimia) for 22 years. I was hospitalized once for the anorexia for 3 1/2 months.

    Know I am here if you want to talk. Hugs
     
  7. WhoaThisPlaceIsScary

    WhoaThisPlaceIsScary Well-Known Member

  8. WhoaThisPlaceIsScary

    WhoaThisPlaceIsScary Well-Known Member

    The human mind..so interesting what realities we create for ourselves.You know plants have chemicals in them that serve no purpose in their biological processes,but when introduced into the human mind.. these chemicals fit into are brains like a key. I take solice in the fact that this is all some strange creation..and to experience it miserable is no fun at all. You MUST provide your body/mind with proper nutrition..it will help. You are in my thoughts..
     
  9. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Member Safety & Support

    Lifetalkz, thank you for sharing your story. And the amazing success you have had in turning things around. I learned pretty early that nothing I did was ever good enough. Had trouble making friends so many I hung around with bad-mouthed be all the time. A lot of it was in jest, but it still left its mark. So I was pretty young when I learned to hate myself. And except for brief moments when I have been able to leave it behind, I still do hate myself. It is a hard attitude to beat. So I really appreciate your sharing your success. It provides hope!
     
  10. lifetalkz

    lifetalkz Well-Known Member

    You know what I've learned, Silly Old Bear? I've learned that everyone has a story-and most are false . . . even the stories we tell to ourselves. Own your own life-tell your own story-and you are free !!!
     
  11. mapdell

    mapdell New Member

    Hope you are fine now.