I have written here from time to time, i am no help to anyone else .. i write then leave.I'm sorry. I don't know my meaning or purpose. But i needed to write . Somewhere. I have shut down all my social media elsewhere , none of my friends noticed, maybe they didn't' care. Maybe they are just sick of me. You know what i realized. In my 20's being the crazy manic psycho anorexic girl was fun to people even cute to guys, they wanted to save me. At 37, they just pity me. Nothing is cute then a spiraling out of control 95 pound adult who looks like a bag of bond who just wants to be pretty but can't get her life together. I WANT TO KILL MYSELF. The thing is I am already dead. I am just still breathing, wasting air though because if i died tomorrow my Organ donor card would be a waste , cause I promise you nothing left in me is any good. So i take up space. And vow to stay alive cause my father killed himself and I DON'T want to do that to my son. My 15 year old son who means the world to me , and sees his mother fading away (literally) and he smiles and tells me he loves me and I'm perfect and it's ok. I'm scared, I'm scared that i will have gotten through everything I have been through, and it's a long list .. I didn't just wake up a depressed screw up . And then I will let my body issues and my need to control this take it all. Because I'm scared to stop losing weight and fix this but i'm scared if i don't fix this. But i have no will anymore, no desire , nothing to thrive for. And yes I LOVE MY SON. And he is enough. But in a few years he's nothing more then phone calls and a few stop bys every couple a weeks. I'm in so much pain .. you can't imagine the pain. Well maybe you can , some of you can. Everything hurts. My legs ache , my back aches I can't lay down my ribs hurts. I have headaches. Tomorrow I have and Endoscopy and then in 2 weeks and colonoscopy cause my bowels are all F'd up . I'm starving for more then just food. I don't know if this is even the right place for this and i'm sorry if it's not ..