Kind Of A Long Story

I never really felt like I could fit in with the other kids. Even when I was in first grade, I remember always sitting alone during recess. Once when I was in 4th grade I had a panic attack because they were talking about lung cancer, since both my parents smoked I was so worried that they were going to die that I started crying. I only had a few friends and it stayed that way for a long time. When I turned 10 I started cutting my fingers on soda cans, I was telling my parents I wished I were dead, or that I had never been born. Kids would make fun of me, saying I smelled bad, teachers would ask me if I smoked cigarettes, and it must of hurt my self esteem. It was around age 12 or 13 that I started to cut my arms with what ever I could find. Age 13 I lost my virginity to a complete stranger from the internet, I think he was 23. After that I started sleeping around just trying to find love. Even my so called friends were cruel to me. I guess word got around and one of the guys I knew tried to rape me at his house, he made me smack my head on something and even left bruises on my wrists, I only told one person but I feel like they betrayed me 'cause they'd still hang out with him even after I told them what happened. There's been many times where I'd say no, but no wasn't enough and I'd finally give in, could that still be considered rape 'cause it feels like it, just in a less violent way.

My family has always been good to me, but they have their faults too. I know I can be a pain sometimes, but once when I was 14/15 years old I told an online friend I'd be on when I got home, well, I was having a bad day and my mom was on the computer. I threw a b***h fit and my dad got really mad, when I was in the bathroom getting ready to cut myself he told me to come out, when I did I yelled at him so he grabbed me by the throat and pushed me into the door frame. "Listen you little b***h," is all I remember him saying before I ran off to my friend's house, but he wasn't there, which only made me feel worse, so I sat in his bathroom, crying and started to cut. I'm close to my parents, but at the same time I just don't have the skills to communicate with people, I think I get it from my mother, I'm JUST like her in so many ways, even down to the hip pains.

Age 15 was a big time for me. I dropped out of school due to the inability to be around people. I even started day dreaming about killing people, I would bring knives to school, though I didn't use them on other people, I'd use them on myself. I think I SM because of many reasons. The mental pain gets to be too much it's almost physical sometimes, starting in my chest, going down my veins to my hands and feet, but if I focus on the pain I inflict upon myself, it takes the rest of it away. Another reason is I've always hated myself, who I am, and what I do. It's punishment for being stupid, for being depressed, for being me. The third reason is the blood, I've got a bit of a fetish, it's soothing to see and I even like the taste. Call me crazy but I'm a carnivore.

Suicide has plagued my mind for many years, sometimes it's worse than others. When I was pregnant I thought of it a lot, and attempted once, though it was rather ridiculous, I tried to choke myself out. I'm sure I do not have what it takes to REALLY try, and that may be a good thing, but when I'm sad, it really doesn't feel that way. But being away from my son hurts me far more than I've ever felt. I'd say I'm doing darn good compared to how I used to be. I haven't cut myself for about half a year, but it's still there. Sometimes I just want to let go and start slashing again, but I need to be strong for my son, if I fail to do so, I may not get him back at all. But it feels like every few days all I can think of is how much I'd love to just die, but it makes me feel so guilty because I'd be hurting my son and those who love me, but that makes me feel worse.

I've been diagnosed as bipolar and I also suffer from depression. Sometimes when depressed, it'll go away, but in it's wake is rage. Or if I'm upset, it'll slowly turn into depression. Anger for being depressed, depressed for being angry. And there's that voice in my head (not like a real voice, but myself saying it) that is like a broken record. "You're stupid, you're worthless, your a horrible person", so if I have nothing to take my mind away from it, it just spirals from there. To me, time is my worst enemy, for if I have it, I waste it on bashing myself for all the stupid stuff I've done.

If you read this all, thank you for taking the time to read it. :mhmm:

 

Hi Bethany,
I'm sorry things are so awful at the moment. By the sounds of it you have gone through a lot of stuff in your life, and you are still struggling now. But the fact you are still here today shows your inner strength. I know you can do this, with support, you can keep fighting. By the sounds of it, you have low self esteem, and some self hatred.. is there any chance you can look into therapy to work on the way you perceive yourself to be? I think that once you have a more.. positive view on yourself, things will start looking up. Also, are you on medication for your depression and bipolar? If so, can you get them altered so there is more of a chance of your mood being elevated? And if you are not on medication, I think it would be really beneficial to you to atleast try this option. Medication admittedly does not help everyone, but it does help a lot of people. Please consider it. As you said, if you attempted suicide it would hurt your son, and the people who love you, and you stated that your son is the most important person in your life. Please stay strong for him. And for you. Also, you mentioned if you have time on your hands it results on making you feel even worse.. is there a way to lessen the time you have to yourself? Something to keep you busy? Maybe college or a job? Doesn't have to be demanding, just something to focus on. Anyway, please keep posting and keeping us updated on how you are doing as it is clear you need support, but more importantly you deserve it. If you need to talk feel free to PM me. Take care of yourself :arms:

 

I've never been good with the whole school thing, I can't concentrate on the work, and I've never had a real job. I've tried to get one a few times, but I've never been called back, not to mention, the only job for me is in a cubicle. I can't stand for more then a few minutes before my ankles, knees, hips, back, and/or neck starts to hurt, I'd rather die than work around people, but walking isn't so bad, I guess because momentum keeps you moving, but it does sometimes make my chest hurt. >_< The only things I really do to help keep my mind distracted is playing video games, sometimes taking a walk (especially if I take my mp4 player) can also help clear my head, but also it still may give me time to dwell on the bad things in life. I'm feeling better today, but I'm still raging about my son's step mother. She had the nerve to say I'm not a mother, but a birth mother because I can't be there for him right now, just like she's not a real mother because she gave her child up. She's so ignorant to say that because I didn't GIVE my child up, I was forced to leave him behind. She even changed her photo album on FB saying "my husband and OUR son" and in the little place where you put a description of the said album, "that's right, I said OUR son, get over it". Someone's a bit self-centered. He will NEVER be her son. Not really. I'm a horrible person for this, but I seriously hope she has a miscarriage. :censored: