Kinda lost and scared of doing it.

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Cromartie1335, Dec 22, 2015.

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  1. Cromartie1335

    Cromartie1335 Member

    Hello all,

    First of all, I live in France and haven't found anything in French, so I decided to expose my thoughts here. My English isn't perfect but I'll do my best.

    As I said, I'm French, 24 years old and my hobbies are photography, animals and videogaming. I'm not really into social-things. In fact, I think I've never been since at least one decade. I don't have any friends and I'm not very talkative in "real life". My parents get separated when I was around 10 or 11, my stepmother's children were rather cool and nice.

    Everything started around 2003-2004 during my 6th grade year. While I wasn't a "popular" person (and I never wanted to be, ever), I used to have a few friends, life was good at the beginning of the year, at least at school. I was a boarder so I was coming back home every weekend.
    Unfortunately, my stepfather was a rather stupid individual with a bad temper. Very often he was yelling at me for no reason or because my performance at school were kind of bad... I never liked school, I've always been bad at it except for French and History classes.

    And not so long after the year of scholarship started, let's say during October (I'm pretty sure it was October), a new guy ended up in my class, let's call him "Mike". It wasn't very important at the moment... however the nightmare began with this dude. He bullied me thoughout the year. He abused me, not sexually but physically and mentally.

    New year at school, not as a boarder this time but still barely recovering from what happened during last year. Mike has moved to another school but unfortunately, another guy took his "place" and everything has started once more.
    All of this combined with what my stepfather was doing to me, had contributed to make who I am today : a rather empty person and full of grudge, always displaying a cold and flat face, willing to beat everything she finds (I'm not a violent person, at least not towards people).
    During the third year, my life kept going downhill... there was nobody to bully me this time, but it was too late already : I wasn't working at all at school, spending my whole spare days in front of my computer, playing videogames, talking to teddy bears and pets. My mother and my stepfather were totally absent. I was on my own, peacefully drifting towards my own demise. I never talked about this to my father (my real one) I mean, as I said, I'm not much of a talker.
    One day, they get separated, somehow I was glad to learn this. Even by knowing this, I was bored by the place where I was living so I packed my bag and left my mother to live with my dad and my stepmother.

    For the first time since many years, I was enjoying life, again. My stepsisters, at the time aged 16 and 18 were great. Although I liked them both, one of them was my favorite. But as always, everything went wrong. My stepmother left us (me, my dad and one of my "sisters" (she didn't wanted to go with her)).

    Life wasn't really different, we were just three in a house way too big for us. I was spending a lot of time with my so-called "sister". She was one (if not the only one) of the persons for who I actually cared.
    Then she left me.. I was destroyed, I was alone, again... I think I loved her but not like a sister. Love hurts.

    2008, I'm back at mom's home, I don't know what to do, professionally speaking. I did get several jobs but I was never really good at those. It lasted for two years.

    Since 2010, I am living with my grandparents... what a terrible mistake I did. My grandmother is constantly drinking, she always did, I don't really like this very much. Most of the time I'm with my dad, anyway, because I just can't stand this. I lived with this for almost six years but I think I can't take it anymore... more and more I am thinking about comitting suicide, but I can't do it. I'm too scared and not ready. I don't really know.

    I think I had lost any will to live, or to doing something of my life... most of the time, I'm standing in front of my computer, playing and doing level-design. I'm not talking to anyone, even my family... maybe it's depression.
    But in the same time, I getting tired of living like this, drifting away. I really need (and want) a new start. But same thing : I'm scared
    2 people like this.
  2. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Welcome to the forum. Wow, what a story and thank you for posting it. It's good that you wrote it down as it helps you and us understand what you are going through. Yes, life must be hard especially living between three different houses with different experiences. At the moment, you feel very vunberable and that's understandable.

    YOU ARE NO LONGER ALONE NOW, WE CAN HELP YOU GET THROUGH THESE EMOTIONS OF TURMOIL. Trust us as the only real people who understand are the ones who go through the same emotions . You need to structure your day in a manner in that you can pursue you own interests. If you did do something, then I think a lot of people would miss you including me.

    Perhaps, I am wrong, but I can sense from your post that cry a river in your hurt and just need someone like me to listen to your pain. It's fine to cry , whilst reading this message as it helps you to release the pain you have felt for a long time. I cry in my heart now, as I know you hurt a lot but you are important to us. Please believe me from the bottom of my heart, that you are important and we we'll get you through. So do not be scared now but just think someone in the world does want to share the pain your feel and is willing to help you get through life.

    Take the virtual hand we offer here and no more thoughts of anything else. Are you taking any medication or receiving counselling at the moment. If not, then you need to talk to your doctor as soon as possible. The medication will help but it will take six weeks to kick in. Counselling does help as you cannot deal with the emotions yourself.

    Please keep posting here as you will get support. I will help you as much as I can. YOU ARE IMPORTANT AND NEVER FORGET THAT.
  3. MyCatWillMissMe

    MyCatWillMissMe Well-Known Member

    Hi cromartie, we talked in chat but I didn't see your post until now. I think we are similar in that I am also antisocial but too scared to do anything about it, good or bad. This place helps sometimes and I hope we can chat again
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