Yeah. In a month or so I'll have my medical insurance so maybe I can get on anti-depressants. God, I hope so. My related members have always discouraged drugs, but I don't see any other way. I don't want to die, but I don't see an alternative. I don't want illegal drugs. I drink too much as it is. I'm trying to give up smoking, but there's something terribly wrong in my chest. It scares me. I'm frightened of what they're going to tell me when I go in for a physical. I'm a truck driver and in my last DOT physical (not a true pysical, just a federal requirement), the doc found blood in my urine, indicating a possibility of cancer, among other things. Honestly, I don't care about myself, but I don't want to leave my sister alone. She's what keeps me breathing. I have nothing else. I love her dearly and would do anything to protect her, so I don't want to die, unless we could die together. I'm no kid, but I'm not an old fart either. Just turned thirty. I'll be amazed if I make it to fifty. If I can die by fourty, that'll be cool. Half way through life, but not old enough to be totally incapacitated. Jeezus... depression has been a part of my life since my earliest years. My mother suffers from it, my sister has suffered from it all her life, my step-father killed himself sixteen years ago. I think my father suffers from it, but he nevers talks about such things so who knows? I can't talk him, he's such an empty shell of a being. I love him, but... I don't know why. I have no one else. The rest of my family is dead, physically and figuratively. I can't make any friends... no one can understand me. It's my sister and my false hopes that keep me going... But I don't know how long that can last. My dillusional hopes (of a "life"! yeah, whatever) won't keep me alive much longer and even my sister can only be amateur therapist for so long. I only stay alive for her, but how long do I do that? I have a loaded rifle at the ready, and a pack of razor blades for lonely evenings. Sometimes I think about devoting everything I have, every minute I spend, helping others. I have little hope left for myself, but perhaps I can help others salvage a little hope for themselves. If I can even talk someone else out of suicide, my life would be complete and i could die in peace. I have nothing, but before I die I can give of myself to help others. But how I do I support myself in the process? I have so very little time as it is. Yet, apart from suicide, a waste as I see it, how could I give to others and still support myself? I either devote myself entirely to help others or I die. Otherwise there's no point to my existance. Okay, so ther'es my intro. Welcome another loser.