Knife to chest, please.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Unknown Thoughts, Dec 19, 2008.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Unknown Thoughts

    Unknown Thoughts New Member

    This is the first time I'm going to openly state what's wrong with me and why I believe I wasn't made to live happily. Bear with me.

    I've always been a sad kid, not to a high extreme until maybe my high school days, but I know I've always been unhappy with my overall self and life. I even wrote a "suicide" note to my friend in the THIRD grade. I don't know for what reason then, maybe for attention, or maybe because of these real pitted emotions I get.

    I've always been overweight. I'm not particularly HUGE, but that's not my biggest problem. This is really hard for me to say, and extremely embarrassing, even through I'm sitting behind a computer screen. It's really so hard for me. I was born a cute, chubby baby girl. I looked normal, I felt normal. My only problem through most of my life was my weight. That wasn't all that much of a deal to me, I mean, yeah I was sad and didn't do anything about it, but I didn't feel as low as I have for the past few years now. My REAL problems are what developed when I was in 8th gradeish. I had excessive hair under my chin. It was thin and fine, but really really long and dark. I'd say a half inch long or more. I would always bow my head down and I would move my hand the way the hair grew out under my chin to make sure the hair was flat and not sticking out in different directions so it wouldn't be so noticable. I tried waxing, and I used Nair. And eventually I started to shave it. It was fast, and it took much less time for me to acknowledge its presence. I try to forget it's there, and that I don't have it. So the little time I spend shaving it means the less time I spend acknowledging its existence. And I'd feel better once it was gone. But the hair grew in thicker, of course.

    So my junior year in high school, I finally got the courage to talk to a doctor. I took pills, and I eventually lasered. But I decided I didn't want to be on the pills anymore, so I stopped taking them. And the hair grew back. So I'm lasering it again, and it seems to work somewhat, but there is still obvious hair. It's so hard for me to talk about, that my own father doesn't know. Or at least, he doesn't say anything to my face. I've never told anyone my problem aside from the people who HAD to know (my mother, the doctor, etc.). I'm sure people do notice it, they're just nice enough not to say anything to me. Though, I have had a couple encounters where people did say something. It really crushes my heart and devastates me. Oh yeah, did I mention the rest of my body is hairy too? Isn't that delightful! And I'm not talking steroid-usage hairy. I'm talking monkey hairy. It's the worst on my stomach and legs area. I won't get into too much detail, I don't think people could handle it, I hardly can.

    Anyway, this problem FUCKED my head. It's been two years after I graduated and I stay in my house all day. Seriously...I stay in my house for months without going anywhere. I don't want people to see the disgusting thing I am. I don't have money to laser my whole body. And I am trying to find a job, I figure if I can get my face to be decent, then I can at least manage to go out in public showing that much of myself. Sometimes I think to myself "is this real?" It feels like one of those bad dreams you get and you're like "THANK GOD" it's not real. But it is real. This is my reality. And it's dissolving every last bit of positivity I have left.

    Now, onto problem number 2. My boobies. Yes, those things women have...Mine didn't develop quite like my mom's....../cough The middle not right. That's all I'll say. Too much.

    Problem number 3. I have a ton of little red bumps on my arms, chest, and I get them on my legs. I have a lot on my knees. I think my legs are sensitive to shaving. Probably because I was born with man hair. THANKS DAD, you gave mom just a liiiittle bit too much boy sperm. Yeah, my dad is an ape. Sometimes I think I was supposed to be a boy. At least I wasn't born with a woman's body and a penis! That's the positivity I need to look at, right!?

    I have a lot of other minor problems, but I can deal with those. These are the big ones. I wish anyone who thinks I don't have it bad could spend a day in my body and understand. There's a lot I'm leaving out, because it's a lot to say and I just can't make myself say it. The only real way for myself to be happy is basically to get some surgery on my boobs and laser the shit off of my skin. That would cost a lot though. And my family just filed bankruptcy...Sometimes I'm able to boost myself up and say that I'll get it all done, I just have to wait a few years. Well, I've grown very tired of waiting. And I'm tired of hearing from my family "why don't you have a job yet?" SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I HAVE TO ENDURE! But I can't say that. I always have to hide my face. And my back is hairy as well, so I'm always fixing my shirt so nothing is revealed. If I ever do get what I want done, I'll probably be so used to the methods I use to hide my hair that I'll continue to do them. And by that time, my social skills will be zero and I'll be so mentally damaged. It's also really hard to do anything when I'm in such a depressed state. I have absolutely no will to do anything, and it shows, because I don't do anything, literally. I stopped caring. Infact, I love being alone now. I'm comfortable alone and I don't have to put my head down. I can look up and be free. I'm also really shy and I have poor social skills. And I know people have taken my avoiding face-to-face contact as me being rude. So, I've lost all my friends, I live with my parents, I'm 19, and I'm deformed. Thankfully, after two years of being in this necessary cage, I've accepted loneliness.

    Any words of encouragement? I know that if my condition doesn't show signs of getting better, I KNOW I will end up killing myself. I've tried before, but stopped. My number one fear is death. But if I realize there really is no getting better, then I know I'd end my life.
  2. helena

    helena Staff Alumni

    Hi and welcome to the forum,
    I had a whole post going on till I just looked and for some stupid reason the page jumped back to something I was looking just before this and whole post is gone :mad:
    so I guess I keep it short this time, as I really am not sure what to say....didn't want to say the usual things, like, you're still young, but in fact, it's a bit true, as some people have to wait long time before they can have some (palstic) surgery, like, till they're fully grown, other methods are tried, etc, etc.
    I heard how difficult it is for you to apply or get a job, so, how about something you can do at home?
    On the other side, where I live some surgery get's almost for free if it's proved to be necessary to live a "normal" live without beeing stared at or bullied all the time or if it prevents people to participate or feel happy and selfasured.
    I really feel for you, it sounds very hard to me to have your youth determined by such problems.
    I suggest you talk to a doctor and try to find out the possibilities to deal with them,or better, solve them. Maybe you could find some understanding from the family if they knew what you're dealing with? And yes, I know, you pointed it out too, i't's not easy for you to talk about it all, but I think it would probably open some doors...
    Please don't consider killing yourself, there must be other options.
    Take good care of you, keep us posted if you feel like.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 19, 2008
  3. attack_amazon

    attack_amazon Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry you have such a difficult combination of stuff going on for you. I can empathize with some of your issues. I too am too fuzzy for a girl. I don't know if it's to the extent that you've described and luckily it's blonde so it's harder to see, but I have way too much testosterone for a girl and not enough estrogen, so I have some chin fuzz that I have to pluck out a few times a week and the "treasure trail" strip on my abdomen and a couple other places. That plus the fact that I'm 6' tall, built like a brick chickenhouse, and act very non-girly means that I often get confused for a guy with man-boobs until people get a close look at me.

    I used to be mortified about it and I still am on my worst days, and there was an incident with my first boyfriend that screwed me up for awhile when I was younger, but since then I decided "fuck it" and stopped trying to wax. My husband doesn't mind, he's a fuzzy guy himself and he said it actually makes him feel a little more normal to know he's not the only one in the world who has to deal with that. I also have those little red bump things, it's a genetic pore deformity, my dad and some of my cousins have it too but to a lesser degree. I find that rubbing white vinager on your skin and following it up with lotion after you wash the vinager off helps, and so does acne scrub. Anything with salicylic acid in it will probably help.

    Don't let this ruin your life. At least there are more permanent solutions you can work towards to make this more bearable, and in the mean time, take care of yourself and your mind. And if you need to talk fuzzy girl to fuzzy girl or just want to exchange home remedies, feel free to PM me.
  4. jim_jones

    jim_jones Member

    Chewbacca chicks won't be considered hot anytime soon but you have a good sense of humor, far more attractive attribute imo, unfortunately popular culture idolizes the shallow and obtuse.
  5. Summer.Rain

    Summer.Rain Well-Known Member

    Im sorry to hear about you problems and i will just say what i think.
    I am a 23 year old guy, i have a beautfil face and there were some girls in my
    life that found me attractive, but i got serious back problems becouse i sit
    infornt of the PC all day long in a ? shape and it really shows on my back.
    So, as you may know, no one is perfect.
    sure for you it must be like the farest from perfection that there is possible
    but hey, there are guys out there that will ignore you minuses.
    Lets put it that way, sure i know i am attractive, but with my way of life
    i will never find a beautful girl like i dream about.
    So a guy in my possition may try and date with girls like you
    So dont let go of any hope, i know it sounds bad but you and me we are servivors
    we both in the same boat, and we both can find very simmilar things to live with together.
    Stay strong girl - dont let go!
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.