Knife's edge

[passingthrough]

Burnt. Broken. Failing. Falling. Help. Destroyed. Empty. Scared. Scared to drop again. This is probably when I’m supposed to call my psychiatrist or psychologist and ask for help. But that scares me too. That is weakness, and I am already so weak. Fragile. Crumbling into nothing. It was nothing. Such a little thing to tip me over and push me down. There is so little left of me, that I can’t cope with anything. I feel pathetic, useless and incompetent. I can’t move from my computer because I am at work and the tears won’t stop rolling down my cheeks and I am terrified that someone will see and ask what is wrong. There is nothing wrong, except me. Except my useless, broken mind that can’t hold on to any positive emotions but relishes the misery and pain. It is so much harder after a moment of normality. Last night I felt enjoyment, I forgot my mind and let myself go on stage. But it was so brief, such a small moment of joy and to lose that again and find myself back at the bottom of the well is so unbelievably painful. There is laughter outside my room and I am so disconnected, so alone. Trapped. The last moment of joy was on the 7th July, 11 weeks ago. So I couldn’t help but hope that maybe things were improving when I felt enjoyment for the first time in nearly 3 months. It is so disheartening and soul destroying to realise that things are not improving. That things will never improve. Hopeless. I know that is the dangerous place. I know I need to hold on with all my might to some sliver of hope, but I don’t know how. I will fight, I will fight, I will fight. I will breathe, if I can manage nothing else I will fight to breathe. I can feel my hope, my strength, my will being sucked out of me into the black hole. I try and think a positive thought and see it swallowed by the darkness before it is able to register at all. Please forgive me for my weakness, forgive me for my stubbornness, forgive me if I can fight no longer. I am teetering on the edge of ambivalence, so unsure if I should show this to someone. If I tell my husband then I will be watched and probably be kept safe. If I tell the health professionals I may find my options even more restricted. But I am unsure, so unsure. I do not know if I want to be kept safe. I do not know yet which way I will fall from this knife’s edge I walk today. I do not know if I will find myself tomorrow wanting to live or wanting so desperately to die. I suppose more likely this ambivalence will persist and I will stay stuck in limbo unable to die but hardly living either. But I purchased the means today. I should tell someone that, but then what was the point of buying it.

 

[windlepoons]

I am glad you are so determined to fight. I understand you not wanting to be kept safe, you would maybe prefer to be helped to feel safe?

What is causing the black hole you speak of?

 

[passingthrough]

The black hole is depression. I have bipolar disorder and have been stuck in this depression for 6 months now. I am on my third medication cocktail for the year. There is nothing in my life to complain about, I have a great husband, amazing friends and a successful career. But it is not enough when every breath hurts, when I start to believe everyone would be better off without me. I tried to kill myself 12 days ago and nearly got hospitalised against my will because my choice of method has a high lethality and only failed because of chance. It won't fail again, because I've learnt from that mistake.

I'm terrified of asking for help, because no one at work knows about my disorder and according to my psychiatrist (and most people who know the truth) I do the happy smiling thing incredibly well, so no one at work would ever suspect. Working in the health system if I go to hospital everyone will know, and I don't know how I would cope with that.

 

[Sadeyes]

I more than understand the concern about what others think, as I am also in the health care system, but this is the time to be considerably selfish, and get what you need...find someone who you trust and who you feel you can talk to and start talking; if you have a therapist, speak to him/her...and about your meds, it took me so many trials before anything effective was found...out of all the conditions, bipolar disorder probably takes the most adjustment in meds...and know we are here...you will be surprised how much caring and support you can find...please continue to post; you are worth it, even if the black cloud is masking your perceptions of it...J

 

[passingthrough]

I see my psychiatrist again on Wednesday, so will need to decide what to say then. But my brother flies back to England on Sunday and if I die before then it will save him the cost of another flight just for my funeral. It is a dangerous thought that one, I know, but I can't seem to silence it.

 

[windlepoons]

Bipolar Disorder sounds a very unpleasant condition and I am sorry its playing such havoc with your life. That thought you are having - is it based in reality or is it from the BPD?

 

[passingthrough]

It is virtually impossible to separate thoughts that are from the bipolar (BD, BPD stands for borderline personality disorder) with thoughts that are based in reality. It was when my psychiatrist asked if I had any delusions and I automatically answered no, then she gave an example of thinking I deserved to die. I just looked at her in confusion because that's not a delusion, that's just a simple fact.

 

[Speedy]

It was when my psychiatrist asked if I had any delusions and I automatically answered no, then she gave an example of thinking I deserved to die. I just looked at her in confusion because that's not a delusion, that's just a simple fact.

A psychologist once told me "I think you're confused" when I told him and another psychologist sitting next to him that I wanted to die. I think it's people's way of saying that they don't agree with others' beliefs about whether they should take their own lives... although I agree "deluded" seems too harsh... speaking of which, I've seen the word "tunneled" and "tunnel visioned" used a lot in similar circumstances too.. One time, another psychologist (I've seen quite a few) told me that "I understand why you might want to die, but I don't agree with your decision." Also, I've been told many times that I do the happy smiling thing well too. I guess what I'm trying to say is I feel for you and can relate somewhat to how you feel (although not as much as I would like to be able to). :hug:

I hope you don't go through with it and instead ask for help, although I know that me saying this won't help you.. so I'll just be sending hugs to you as my show of support :hug:

With care,

Mr. A

 

[passingthrough]

Thanks muchly for the hugs.

There is a part of me that can see it is delusional thinking to believe I deserve to die (as opposed to wanting to die), but at the same time I can't help but believe that if I can not think my way out of this place then I do deserve to die. I'm supposed to be intelligent after all! I can also understand why it is labelled as delusional, because all that means is that your thinking has departed from any semblance of reality, and thus you are more likely to act in a way that is contrary to your normal nature. So it is helpful for the health professionals as a way of quickly labelling how irrational and illogical thought patterns are and thus behaviour may be. You can probably tell I'm a psychologist by training, right?

I just am struggling so much right now and don't know how long I can do it for. I had a really lovely dinner tonight with very close friends, but spent the entire drive home with tears pouring down my face. If there is no enjoyment and no pleasure to be found, what point is there continuing to live? I feel it would be so much better if I just killed myself now rather than making my husband suffer through this with me for a few more weeks or months before I end my life. I am losing sight of any possibility that I won't end my own life, because this current reality is unsustainable.