Brief history. I'm 27 had a fairly common American upbringing with parents divorcing when I was 13. Above average intelligence, below average ability to function with daily life. Spent most of my life severely depressed took many different medications saw many different doctors, nothing worked. Spent years studying philosophy, lost all my beliefs in a god (please don't talk to me about how god can help) When I was 21 started drinking, got married to my wife and dragged her into my shitty world at 22 by 25 alcohol was my crutch. Suicide had been in and out of my mind since I was 15 or so. I can remember making promises to myself around that age that if I still felt the way I did when I was in my early 20s I would attempt suicide. I never really thought about that promise to myself but as things seemed to spiral out of control emotionally and mentally for me suicide felt more like a soon to be reality than just a wincing thought that passed through my mind every now and then. Then in Feb of last year it finally happened. I took a bunch of anti depressants and alcohol and was taken to the emergency room. Of course nothing happened and I was turned out to be fine. 6 months later I got drunk and took a butcher knife and plunged it into my chest twice. Was found in a pool of blood, brought to emergency room, doctors gutted me like a fish to check for organ damage, and well here I am almost a year later mostly recovered physically except for the massive scar running down my chest and stomach but still as emotionally damaged as ever. Been thinking a lot about a 3rd attempt lately. I see psychiatrists, psychologists, counselors, try all different medications, nothing works. I think too much about everything in the world, but that is who I am and I cannot change that. The world is a really sad and depressing place. The only thing I look forward to now is sleeping. It's the only place I forget where I am. Every time I encounter a new doctor or counselor or therapist or basically anybody that I have to sit down and chat with I am always told how intelligent I am and how I should be doing all these great things with my life. I am intelligent enough to know that I am probably never going to get better. 15 years of this shit is enough for me. I cannot bear the thought of having another 50 like this. I feel like I have lived a lifetime already, felt a lifetimes worth of pain, and dealt with a lifetimes worth of emotional problems. I have no energy left to push forward. Every day I live now seems more and more like borrowed time. My senses are dulling, one by one into a blurred and confused mess. Sometimes I have to sit and think for a minute if something really happened to me or if I only experienced it in a dream. With each passing day, the way I see my family, my wife, my friends, being dragged down emotionally by me, like I am the anchor around their necks taking them to their graves at the depths of the oceans abyss I feel more and more confident that the initial pain of my death with the gradual recovery would be far better than what I am putting people through on a daily basis. And so I sit here contemplating finishing the job with one swift slice of a knife to my jugular. And that I suppose is why I am here right now. Thousands die every day in this world, thousands who would give anything to live. And here I sit gladly willing to trade places with any of them and just let myself turn back into the comet dust I was born of. Are some people just meant to die? Why is it so hard for society to accept that this might be the truth? That from the moment someone was born the chemical reactions in their brain were going to fail them. Nobody tells a cancer patient it is shameful to die because they have cancer. But because of the way suicide is viewed in our society, it will cause much more pain to my loved ones than if I had died from some disease. The pain is never going to end, it didn't end when I was 15,20, or 25. Now at 27 I just watch my life drift by as each year life becomes more and more restrictive and less and less hopeful. The future isn't bright anymore, and soon there will be more past lived then future left. I just want to slip away.