Knives, Pills, and Alcohol

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by Edgar Roni Figaro, Jul 2, 2010.

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  1. Edgar Roni Figaro

    Edgar Roni Figaro Well-Known Member

    Brief history. I'm 27 had a fairly common American upbringing with parents divorcing when I was 13. Above average intelligence, below average ability to function with daily life. Spent most of my life severely depressed took many different medications saw many different doctors, nothing worked. Spent years studying philosophy, lost all my beliefs in a god (please don't talk to me about how god can help)

    When I was 21 started drinking, got married to my wife and dragged her into my shitty world at 22 by 25 alcohol was my crutch. Suicide had been in and out of my mind since I was 15 or so. I can remember making promises to myself around that age that if I still felt the way I did when I was in my early 20s I would attempt suicide.

    I never really thought about that promise to myself but as things seemed to spiral out of control emotionally and mentally for me suicide felt more like a soon to be reality than just a wincing thought that passed through my mind every now and then.

    Then in Feb of last year it finally happened. I took a bunch of anti depressants and alcohol and was taken to the emergency room. Of course nothing happened and I was turned out to be fine. 6 months later I got drunk and took a butcher knife and plunged it into my chest twice. Was found in a pool of blood, brought to emergency room, doctors gutted me like a fish to check for organ damage, and well here I am almost a year later mostly recovered physically except for the massive scar running down my chest and stomach but still as emotionally damaged as ever.

    Been thinking a lot about a 3rd attempt lately. I see psychiatrists, psychologists, counselors, try all different medications, nothing works. I think too much about everything in the world, but that is who I am and I cannot change that. The world is a really sad and depressing place. The only thing I look forward to now is sleeping. It's the only place I forget where I am.

    Every time I encounter a new doctor or counselor or therapist or basically anybody that I have to sit down and chat with I am always told how intelligent I am and how I should be doing all these great things with my life. I am intelligent enough to know that I am probably never going to get better. 15 years of this shit is enough for me. I cannot bear the thought of having another 50 like this.

    I feel like I have lived a lifetime already, felt a lifetimes worth of pain, and dealt with a lifetimes worth of emotional problems. I have no energy left to push forward. Every day I live now seems more and more like borrowed time. My senses are dulling, one by one into a blurred and confused mess. Sometimes I have to sit and think for a minute if something really happened to me or if I only experienced it in a dream.

    With each passing day, the way I see my family, my wife, my friends, being dragged down emotionally by me, like I am the anchor around their necks taking them to their graves at the depths of the oceans abyss I feel more and more confident that the initial pain of my death with the gradual recovery would be far better than what I am putting people through on a daily basis. And so I sit here contemplating finishing the job with one swift slice of a knife to my jugular.

    And that I suppose is why I am here right now. Thousands die every day in this world, thousands who would give anything to live. And here I sit gladly willing to trade places with any of them and just let myself turn back into the comet dust I was born of. Are some people just meant to die? Why is it so hard for society to accept that this might be the truth? That from the moment someone was born the chemical reactions in their brain were going to fail them.

    Nobody tells a cancer patient it is shameful to die because they have cancer. But because of the way suicide is viewed in our society, it will cause much more pain to my loved ones than if I had died from some disease. The pain is never going to end, it didn't end when I was 15,20, or 25. Now at 27 I just watch my life drift by as each year life becomes more and more restrictive and less and less hopeful. The future isn't bright anymore, and soon there will be more past lived then future left. I just want to slip away.
  2. Michael Ayin

    Michael Ayin Well-Known Member

    It pains me to see someone as articulate as yourself contemplate all of this, but I honestly think self-introspection and sensitivity go with the territory. I dealt with suicidual feelings at fifteen as well. I don't know how I made it into my 30s without disappearing.

    Don't think your family won't be affected by this, however. A friend of mine drank himself to death and his mom nearly went insane as a result. This is not meant to make you feel guilty, but there is a real impact.
  3. Edgar Roni Figaro

    Edgar Roni Figaro Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the response Michael. It seems that there is no way out. I live I cause pain, I die I cause pain. I'm sorry to hear what happened to your friend, I hope he finally found the peace in death that he could not find in life.

    I know this is a selfish thing for me to say considering many people do not have a support system but I think that the people who have loved ones who care (as I do) must suffer with the additional mental anguish of knowing that through no fault of their own, they constantly cause those they love pain.

    Sometimes I wish I had no family and no friends so that the decision would be easy. How can anyone escape this endless cycle. I am in pain, no matter how much I try I have been unable to get better. My state of anguish causes all those around me to suffer which in turn makes me hurt even more for the suffering I cause them as well.

    I just don't know what to do anymore.
  4. Michael Ayin

    Michael Ayin Well-Known Member

    My friend Grant, who died from alcohol abuse, no doubt found peace---he was a troubled soul and could not conform even if he tried. One day when I'm on a roll I'll write something more about him. In fact, I'd even venture the idea forth that our culture has become toxic to people like him, and probably like us. There's not one specific reason for it because there are several.

    Even someone like me who has a job, is on his way to making changes, and has some direction doesn't like it in the least.

    Man, you got that right. I know if I off myself, my father will die as well. He's had two strokes and if I had decided to do it a third would kill him or he'd work himself up for a heart attack. No one would accuse me of being selfish either if no one gave a shit. As much as I wanted to go so badly back then, I feel like some kind of an accomplice if I did that---I was stuck in a hideous bind. I wanted the pain to end for good, yet if I killed myself someone would be impacted heavily. It's a fucked up dilemma, so here I am I guess.

    My own pain never completely goes away, either---it subsides for a time and there have been periods where I could manage it. Last year around November to January it was crushing me. I imagined myself hanged around a desolate hill somewhere from a tree on a hill during winter. If that's grim, the feelings I had I don't even want to recount.

    I don't know if anything here helps but if anything, there you go.
  5. Edgar Roni Figaro

    Edgar Roni Figaro Well-Known Member

    I completely agree with what you've said about our culture being toxic to people like us. I don't know about you, but just watching tv and seeing commercials makes me angry. Working for corporations disgust me to the point that I cannot work for them anymore because I'd just rather be dead. Our society is so fake and so superficial that for any genuine person with genuine emotions (of which nearly all of us severely depressed people have, unable to harm a fly except for ourselves) is doomed to be fodder for those who's only purpose in life is to step on the person below them.

    I always say I was born 200 years too soon. I believe as strange as it sounds that people like us are on some levels evolutions next step in humanity. Our emotions are out of control to the point that everything we do hurts in some way. But in the same sense it allows us, and people like your friend Grant to be aware of things that others simply could not, or would not acknowledge, things that if they did acknowledge would force them to react in a way that would be counter productive to what the current system has taught them to feel.

    For instance you ever notice how proud people seem to be of modern society? Not that any of them have really made any large contributions, but people talk about how far we have come, and how great their particular country is whether it be the US or Canada or where ever else.

    But someone with more insight that is not so easily brainwashed by the system can see all the holes in the system. I see our current world society as going down in history as one of the most barbaric times in human history. for the first time in human history we have the technology, the capacity, and the over abundance to feed, clothe, and house, every human being on earth. But what do we do instead? Manipulate poor nations to steal their resources, throw our own poor to the streets, while 1% of the world's population controls 50% of the world's wealth.

    We think we live in the age of enlightenment, but we won't even be a blip in the history books. When they look back on our societies there will be a few lines that state "this was when humanity was at its most barbaric. They could have fed the world but instead they choose to let it all rot in the name of profit. They could have given shelter to thousands who died every day but instead choose to horde their wealth in banks. They could have cured millions of people of basic diseases, but choose not to create vaccines because they couldn't make a profit off of it"

    Living in a world like this it's hard not to be depressed. I'd like to hear more about your friend when you get the chance. He sounded like he was too wise for the time he was forced to live in.
  6. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    I dont have anything to contribute to this, but I just want to say, I am sorry for your suffering. I can relate to the pain. I just havent been as blunt with my attempts. Maybe I'm scared, I dont now.
    But if you need someone to talk to, I am here, I dont know if I can help, but sometimes we just need that faceless person to talk to and unleash our thoughts on.
    Again, I am sorry
  7. Edgar Roni Figaro

    Edgar Roni Figaro Well-Known Member

    Thanks mysheep. But you are wrong, just by posting you contributed something. I don't think the amount of times or how severe the attempts are makes any difference. We are all hurting badly, some of us just break the final barrier between thought and action while others don't. It doesn't mean either one of us is hurting any less than anyone else. Thanks for the contribution.
  8. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Being an emotional and empathic person is excellent, because you are able to feel for other people and not hurt people unlike narcissistic people easily do. The problem with being overly emotional is that everything will cause you pain, whether it remotely affects you or not. I agree that the world is filled with pain and suffering, but I don't let it allow me to become depressed. Instead, I do my part to improve the current situation of the world. I help humanity whenever I can.
  9. kote

    kote Account Closed

    i feel your pain.

    im not much with words but i do understand and feel what you have been through and are going through each and everyday.

    "advice" - well you seem well adjusted and wise so anything id have to say would seem like preaching. i just wish you well my friend and hope things lighten up for you even just a touch.
  10. Edgar Roni Figaro

    Edgar Roni Figaro Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the support. I wouldn't exactly call me well adjusted though :) Sometimes I feel like insanity is knocking on my door. Any advice you have would be greatly appreciate and not considered preaching in the least.
  11. suicidal maniac

    suicidal maniac Well-Known Member

    You got some balls to drive a knife in your chest like that, good point about the chemical imbalance.
  12. Joey's sister

    Joey's sister Member

    Hey there,
    Just wanted to say that you remind me so much of my brother. He was extremely intelligent, well spoken, and was pained at the state of our society as well. He had to struggle through life though, for almost everything. He was more sensitive than most people and sadly he was treated poorly by some of the people who were suppossed to love him the most.
    My brother left a note when he died, so I know that he felt he just could not get through one more day the way he was...and he thought we would all struggle less without him in our lives. He was wrong.
    While my brother's problems, emotions and difficulties caused him shame, and he felt he could not possibly unload his problems on us anymore, we would have accepted to carry his burden with him no matter what the cost, if to keep him here for just one more day.
    I know you are in extreme emotional pain and that you cannot see through your hurt, but PLEASE know that your family will not experience any relief of problems by your dying. I now know first hand how incredibly awful the loss of a loved one through suicide can be.
    Please consider living for the love of your family if you can think of nothing else. I know how disgustingly selfish this request is, but I cannot hold back. If there is nothing but family left for you, stay for them.
    I am so sorry for all of the pain you are going through and how hopeless life has become. Please stick around! You are loved and needed!!!
  13. Joey's sister

    Joey's sister Member

    By the way, I just wanted to add that my brother was also 27 when he took his life. I am 29 now, and 27 was the worst year of my life. I have no idea why 27 is such an incredibly hard year, but I will tell you that life here has gotten much more managable since.
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