Knowing someone is going to die

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by starlight2006, Feb 7, 2008.

  1. starlight2006

    starlight2006 Well-Known Member

    A few weeks ago I found out my Great Aunt has terminal cancer. She is in her 80s. I know that she is old and she has had a good life and everything, and that makes it a little bit easier. The hardest thing is knowing. Knowing that she is going to die.

    This past week has been really hard. I had an exam yesterday, so I have had to hold myself together. On monday it was her birthday. I rang her and it was really good to talk to her. We have always been really close. She started talking about memories. Things that we used to do when I was little. It was really hard because she wasn't just talking about it, but reflecting on it, if that makes sense. Because she knows she might not have very long left. A the moment I only live about 45 minutes away. I said about going to see her next week. In the past she has tried to put us off seeing her, saying 'Its probably better to come when I feel better'. But i was surprised when she said that when she feels a bit better then maybe she will get my great uncle to bring her across to me. She would never have suggested that before.

    I have no grandparents, I lost 3 of them to cancer. I lost my nan 5 years ago to pancreatic cancer. She refused treatment, and to be honest I dont think there was alot they could hae done. She suffered alot, it got to the point where she couldn't even eat anymore. It was so hard to watch.

    I'm worried the same is going to happen to my aunt. She has stomach cancer. She already has trouble eating. Part of me wants her to go quickly and I know that sounds really bad, But I can;t bear the thought of her suffering like that. She doesnt deserve it one bit.

    And then I feel selfish too. This is the year I graduate from uni. In july. It was something I always wanted my family to see, to make them proud. Having no grandparents, it has been really important to me that my aunt sees it. But for her to survive until then is going to be horrible for her.

    I just wish there was something that I could do to make it easier. To make it so she wouldnt suffer.
  2. vbuk

    vbuk Staff Alumni

    hey hunny, i am so so sorry to hear this. i know how close you are to your family.

    it doesnt sound at all bad for wanting her to cease any suffering.

    Things will be hard, i wouldnt ever say they wont be, but you are a strong girl. i know you can get through this, hand in hand with your family.

    Reflecting on the past is a great thing. knowing that her death is going to happen is a hard thing but make her last days good happy ones where you can. reflect on time gone, spend as much time as u can talking with her and just be there.

    also make sure u take time for yourself.

    I am always here if you need a chat

    Thinking of you

    Love hugs and kisses

    Clare xxx
  3. danni

    danni Chat Buddy

    :hug: i'm sorry for what your going through hun :hug: i'm here for you
  4. Hazel

    Hazel SF & Antiquitie's Friend Staff Alumni

    I'm sorry to hear about your Great Aunt, 83 is a good age but it doesn't make the parting any easier, you are obviously very close and I'm sure she has many happy memories of your achievements and she may still be here when you graduate but if she isn't, you can be assured she is already proud of you.

    I'm sure the doctors & nurses will ensure that your aunt has good pain control medication, as for what you can do... I think what you are doing already, talking and listening, spending time with her, looking at photographs, reminiscing.

    You know I wouldn't lay much store by
    I think it's another delaying tactic, she probably doesn't want to distress you if she feels that you will be upset by how she is.
    Personally I would go see her, spend time with her, show her how much you love her.

    Take care Hazel x
  5. angeliamarie12

    angeliamarie12 Active Member

    hey there sometimes its better that a loved one passes away and that they are sick because they wont have to deal with the pain.... and she dont want to see u cry and hurt..... and bealive that when she does pass that she will always be around ur family..... do bealive in spirts... I have seen and bealive..... Know that she will always be around u and watch over you...... Wish u the best
  6. starlight2006

    starlight2006 Well-Known Member

    I do believe in spirits. I have had a few experiences. I do feel that the people I have lost are around me. It has not hit me as bad as it could have been. I have lost quite a few people over the past few years and with my course I had to deal with death everyday for a year. I will be happier when she has passed on, because then I can be sure that she is no pain and will be at peace, and reunited with my great uncle who I never knew. It sounds bad, but I guess its the waiting that is hard. Not knowing how long. I want to go see her next week, but there is no telling whether she will still be here then. It's going from one day to the next never knowing when the phone call is going to come.
  7. angeliamarie12

    angeliamarie12 Active Member

    if u do want to go see her and have anything to tell her go and tell her now so she knows...... like before my grams passed away i told her I will be here waiting for her to poke me in the shoulder or try to trip me or just to let me know that shes here and she dose it all the time... opens locked doors... moves chairs... its amazing but freaky at the same time but i also will sit down and talk to her...... my husband has caught me a bunch of times talking at the kitchen table and i felt bad cause i never told him because i thought that he would think im nuts he did until he saw it and i told him what i told her before she passed........ go see her and let her know that u love her.
  8. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni

    It's so horrible knowing someone u love is going to die, and watching them getting to that point.
    I am sorry you are going through this
    I am here if you want to talk
    Sam :hug:
  9. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I am sorry you are going through this :hug: here if you need me :hug:
  10. three

    three Member

    I'm so sorry that you and your family and aunt are having to go through this. :(

    If you could, go see her. I think sitting and talking with her about old memories - that's the most healing and wonderful, comforting, and merciful gift you could ever give someone you love. When she remembers, she's transported back to a time when she felt better. And then you'll be able to soak in more time with her, time you'll always cherish and be glad you spent with her.

    Be sure to tell her everything you need or want to, as if it's the last day. I've learned, after losing my family, to treat every day as if it's the last day. Always say the "i love you" and get that hug. Then if you get to again tomorrow, all the better.

    If you worry during your exams, you might think of how proud she'll be (whether here or passed) when you do graduate and do it for her. You know she wants to be there, too. If she makes it, know that she wanted to. If she doesn't, know she still wanted to. She'll be there.

    And now might be the time to go, while she still feels this good. Maybe make a recording of her and you together of your voices if you'll miss her voice. Ask her all her stories, too, because you'll carry them around like treasures forever.

    Good luck on your exams, by the way, and it sounds like you're a wonderful niece. No wonder your aunt loves you so.