It's the perfect combo... I've been working EXTRA hard, lots of projects, long days, extra stress. (note: I am self-employed, so lots of work is usually awesome because it means more money, and I like the adrenaline rush of lots of projects.) But it means less sleep, less good eating, less fun. Plus, I'm in the part of my hormone cream cycle where I go off my progesterone for a week. I felt it pretty quickly, like a clock slowing down. I started bloating, aching, and of course, DEPRESSION. I went to zumba last night, but I felt so blubbery, and there is something really fuckd up with my back, so I had to be so restrained, and it was painful. Way less fun. And vigorous exercise makes me more tired. Still tired today. Today was so bad, I didn't eat 'til 2pm. That's not like me at all. Much crying. Can't focus to work (and there is so much work). Then everything is so black. There really are no friends. There really is no solution to our money woes (we are SO fucked, and I don't know what will happen). I really don't have the strength to make it through a day. My body really is falling apart. I see myself seeing doing it. I know it's chemicals in my brain. I see my thoughts turning everything black. I try to go for a walk. I try my magic tonic of NOT thinking. I know I'm just tired. Knowing doesn't help. There is enough truth to the black thoughts that I know I'm just lying to myself. Knowing I'm just tired. Or hormonal. I tried meditating, tried imagining some very happy times. Failing at that stuff sure doesn't help. I was looking for uplifting things online, but most of them address people feeling worthless. I do not feel worthless. I really don't have any close friends. People think I'm great (no one would ever know I suffer from depression from just seeing me.) But no one *ever* contacts me. It's a one-way street, of me always contacting. (I don't have the stamina for that. I want 2-way friends). That's not even a black thought, that's a reality. I don't understand why I don't have friends, I'm pretty great. I'm fun when I'm with people. But I really REALLY can't stand the loneliness. I seem to need lots of people. I don't understand how other people seem so self-sufficient. How do they do that? Anyway. I'll stop rambling. I figure I have a couple more days to get through. That's terrifying. There were times today when I wasn't sure I would. (That's not a red flag. I have 2 kids, and I would never harm myself because of what it would do to them. But DAMMIT I would in a SECOND if I didn't have them. Sometimes I imagine finding a way to explain to them that they can just say goodbye to me. But that's still too cruel.) A couple more days like this and I'll be farther behind in my work, even less healthy, and the whole fucking cycle of too much work and stress and not enough sleep starts again. What really pisses me off? That I'm just not equipped to survive in this world! I need it to be EASIER. Easier to make friends, easier to pay the bills. I don't know how other people do it.