Knowing why isn't helping

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by draws, Oct 6, 2016.

  1. draws

    draws Active Member

    It's the perfect combo... I've been working EXTRA hard, lots of projects, long days, extra stress. (note: I am self-employed, so lots of work is usually awesome because it means more money, and I like the adrenaline rush of lots of projects.) But it means less sleep, less good eating, less fun.

    Plus, I'm in the part of my hormone cream cycle where I go off my progesterone for a week. I felt it pretty quickly, like a clock slowing down. I started bloating, aching, and of course, DEPRESSION. I went to zumba last night, but I felt so blubbery, and there is something really fuckd up with my back, so I had to be so restrained, and it was painful. Way less fun. And vigorous exercise makes me more tired. Still tired today.

    Today was so bad, I didn't eat 'til 2pm. That's not like me at all. Much crying. Can't focus to work (and there is so much work). Then everything is so black. There really are no friends. There really is no solution to our money woes (we are SO fucked, and I don't know what will happen). I really don't have the strength to make it through a day. My body really is falling apart.

    I see myself seeing doing it. I know it's chemicals in my brain. I see my thoughts turning everything black. I try to go for a walk. I try my magic tonic of NOT thinking. I know I'm just tired.

    Knowing doesn't help. There is enough truth to the black thoughts that I know I'm just lying to myself. Knowing I'm just tired. Or hormonal. I tried meditating, tried imagining some very happy times. Failing at that stuff sure doesn't help.

    I was looking for uplifting things online, but most of them address people feeling worthless. I do not feel worthless. I really don't have any close friends. People think I'm great (no one would ever know I suffer from depression from just seeing me.) But no one *ever* contacts me. It's a one-way street, of me always contacting. (I don't have the stamina for that. I want 2-way friends). That's not even a black thought, that's a reality. I don't understand why I don't have friends, I'm pretty great. I'm fun when I'm with people. But I really REALLY can't stand the loneliness. I seem to need lots of people. I don't understand how other people seem so self-sufficient. How do they do that?

    Anyway. I'll stop rambling. I figure I have a couple more days to get through. That's terrifying. There were times today when I wasn't sure I would. (That's not a red flag. I have 2 kids, and I would never harm myself because of what it would do to them. But DAMMIT I would in a SECOND if I didn't have them. Sometimes I imagine finding a way to explain to them that they can just say goodbye to me. But that's still too cruel.) A couple more days like this and I'll be farther behind in my work, even less healthy, and the whole fucking cycle of too much work and stress and not enough sleep starts again.

    What really pisses me off? That I'm just not equipped to survive in this world! I need it to be EASIER. Easier to make friends, easier to pay the bills. I don't know how other people do it.
  2. Frances M

    Frances M Mountain Woman

    Hi @draws ,

    You sound like you're drowning and need a life jacket...I know that feeling. I lived that way for far too long. I ended up losing everything, my condo was foreclosed, lost the car, my "stuff", my jobs...and dealt with mental illness. It was horrible. I ended up in debt consolidation, it was the only way out because I couldn't work anymore. Either that or bankruptcy, but I just didn't want my credit to suffer so badly because I still have dreams of home ownership at some point before I hit old age. Is there any way out of your financial problems? Can you sell something, borrow money, anything? I'm still pretty poor myself, probably have 2 more years of living like a pauper before I'm completely out of debt and have some breathing room. I just really try to make the best of things. I can't change anything right now, I'm doing my best so I try not to beat myself up for it. I don't know how to tell anyone to do that, I guess it just comes from trying to switch negative thoughts to positive ones. I also have become much less materialistic so "stuff" doesn't matter to me anymore like it used to. I shop second hand stores when I need something, I buy and cook very frugally, as long as the bills are paid (most of the time), the pets are healthy and my bf and I can eat and watch movies in bed, that's all okay.

    And the friend thing. Here's my theory. The internet age has made people into selfish, instant gratification robots. Nobody has time for the "old" ways of friendship anymore, telephone calls, letters, cards, meeting up...everyone is so concerned with themselves. They'd rather send you a "like" on FB than take some of their precious time to have dinner with you. I sound bitter, but I'm really not because I gave up on humanity long ago, in a good way I mean. People stress me out, they lie, betray, ignore...who needs that. But if you're lonely, I do understand your need for company. You said you take zumba, are there people there you can meet to spend some time with? Or take a different course?
    draws likes this.