Knowing you're going to die...

[Thalia]

It's hard to explain, but I just have this feeling, this knowledge, that I am going to kill myself one day. I don't feel particularly emotional about it - it's a cold, hard fact: I am going to kill myself. That is how I am going to die. I try and imagine my future, and I know that in a few years time I'll probably be dead.

I don't feel particularly suicidal at the moment, but this knowledge is always there. The only question is when and how I'm going to do it. Sometimes it scares me, because I don't know why I feel like this. I just know that I am going to kill myself.

Usually when I feel suicidal I manage to distract myself, often by writing. But it's getting harder and harder to do. The more I accept that my approaching suicide is going to happen, the better I feel. I feel calm and safe, knowing that I'm going to die soon. And at the same time that calmness frightens me, because surely suicidal thoughts should not be comforting ones?

I've had an unhappy childhood, and been depressed for several years, and it's only in the last few months that this 'knowledge' has started for me. But I've never spoken to anyone about these feelings, never seen a counsellor, never taken medication, and I don't want to worry my friends or family. Do I have some sort of clinical depression? I have no idea why I feel like this.

Anyway, I wanted to ask if anyone else feels the same way? Does anyone else just know that your life is going to end by suicide?

 

[Locket]

hi thalia and welcome to SF first of all :hug:
i'm glad you found us :smile:
i'm sorry you're feeling so low and that your past has not been a good one.
we are here to help so if you ever need to talk about stuff, don't hesitate to let us know and we'll be here for you :hug:
i don't necessarily have this same feeling of knowing i'm going to commit suicide, it's more a chosen decision, but i can understand what you mean. nevertheless, suicidal feelings and thoughts aren't good, and it's worth telling your family so you can get help for it. maybe just go to see your doctor first to ask any questions you might have.

best of luck :heart:
laura x

 

[Leiaha]

I know it thalia. Sometimes i think it is probably just another symptom of the depression. Other times i wonder if depression is a symptom of this knowledge.

It may be a good idea for you 2 visit your doctor and discuss things with him/her.
Pm me anytime you want to talk, i want to help.

Lea :hug:

 

[Acy]

Hi, Thalia!

I'm sorry to hear that you have such feelings sometimes and that you believe you will die by suicide in a few years. It makes me kind of sad to say, but you will find many people on SF who can relate to your feelings.

You mentioned that you have not sought professional help (therapy). It can be very helpful to have a trained person help "guide" you through your feelings and thought processes.

Anyway, welcome to the forums, and I hope you feel better soon. :hug:

 

[snowraven]

I've certainly had the feeling I will end that way for a while now. At New Year I came closer than ever and was standing right on the brink literally. When it came to it I just couldn't do it. I thought that final step would be so easy as I was so ready to go but it turned out to be too hard. Such an end is always devastating for someone somewhere and I just couldn't cause anyone that kind of pain. Hope I can find the strength from somewhere to carry on because I guess ending it myself is not really an option. I don't think I will ever be able to go beyond the brink no matter how much I may want to. Hope you can find the strength to overcome your own pain. Best wishes.

 

[Stranger1]

:shake::welcome:to the forum Thalia,
You have come to the right place to get support. You will find several of us fight those demons also. I have been in the hospital ten times when I feel i'm getting close to that time. I feel safe in there because I can't harm myself. I am going back in the end of this week because I had set a date for new years to end the sufforing, But I had a couple of friends here on the forum talk me into going back in the hospital yet again.
I don't think from what you have said that you need that step as of yet. But I would highly reccomend a good therapist ( sometimes you have to go thru a couple until you find one you can bond with). A therapist can help you shed light on these thoughts and teach you coping skills to keep you on the right path. I wish you all the best and if you need to talk privately you can PM me or any of the other people who reply to your thread. Good Luck,~Joseph~

 

[Dave_N]

I don't feel particularly suicidal at the moment, but this knowledge is always there. The only question is when and how I'm going to do it. Sometimes it scares me, because I don't know why I feel like this. I just know that I am going to kill myself.

How do you know for sure that your life is going to end by suicide? We're you told this in a dream or vision or something or is this just a re-occurring thought that you are having? Suicide is the only way that you can control your own death. Let's say that you're really supposed to die of old age or a tragic car accident, then in those cases you really wouldn't be able to control the outcome. I'm just curious about how you came to the conclusion that you're supposed to die by suicide? :unsure:

 

[HOW]

I feel EXACTLY the same way as you. Even when I'm not feeling down or suicidal I somehow know that I will end up killing myself. Somehow I think I will die before the age of 25 (am 18, soon 19). Sometimes I get a really warm feeling to know that I will die soon. I'm trying to get a therapist and want to try to get medication, so I'd suggest that to you too.

 

[Kimi]

You know what?


I feel absolutely the same as you. I can't imagine I am alive so long.

I have been tried to go through a day. But my last day is approaching. I feel so much about this.

As you say it's a calm feeling. It was planned event in my life.


I was looking other people chatting, laughing and enjoying a time with others, and then I strongly learnt that I will never have this kind of time in my rest of life.

Like you said I will end my life by suicide. I've been living in a different world. My soul has been dead and I am changed my personality a lot.

I lost faith to God too. I am totally alone and nobody cares if I die.

Somebody jumped off a train on the New Years Day. I think this person had chosen the date.

I follow suicide articles in papers and so on. Because I want to know how they did.


You posted and described exactly the same what I've been feeling.


But to be honest, it's sad I was born to have own life like this. I wish my life was like others- having no feeling of suicidal and no big awful event in own life.


I don't know when. But I can't imagine I am still alive in next years..

 

[Dave_N]

Come on guys. There's no way that you're all destined to kill yourselves. God wouldn't create people knowing that they were destined to end thier lives. Why not give life another chance?

 

[Petal]

Hello Thalia,

Welcome to the forums :arms:

By the sound of it....I think you are suffering from clinical depression.

I know you don't want to see a therapist or a doctor, but they really can help you to feel better. You need to hun. It's not that hard. If you need to know anything feel free to PM me :hug:

 

[Juliaa]

i do feel this way too.
because it's the way i want to die.

welcome to the forum by the way :hug:

 

[Thalia]

It's a relief to know I'm not the only one who feels like this. And thanks to everyone for being so welcoming. I guess I should see a therapist, I've known this for years but didn't want to admit it - but I'm really scared of doing so. I don't want to talk face-to-face with somebody about my problems, it's almost like I feel ashamed of having them. I'm young (19), I've had a good education, I know lots of people love me... and yet I feel suicidal. And I know I shouldn't feel suicidal, so that makes me feel guilty, but that guilt makes me more suicidal, and so on and so on... if that makes sense?

As for those asking how I know I'm going to commit suicide, I honestly can't explain it. I've just known for about a year now that that's how it is. I look into my future, and it just stops at suicide. I guess... I look at my behaviour, the depressive states I get into sometimes, the low days that are getting increasingly bad, and I know it's inevitable that one day I'm going to get so low I'll kill myself. And that inevitability makes everything else seem pretty pointless. Why should I keep dragging myself on for a few more miserable years if I could calmly end it now?

I don't choose death at the moment, but I know that one day I'm going to end up killing myself, because it'll get too much to bear. I used to only be sad sometimes, but now I'm sad constantly, with some very bad days where I just start crying for no reason. I wish I didn't feel like this, I want to be normal like everyone else, but there's this big scary thing waiting for me just around the corner that I feel I can't escape from, because I think my state of mind is just going to get worse and worse. :unsure:

 

[Mike04]

It's hard to explain, but I just have this feeling, this knowledge, that I am going to kill myself one day. I don't feel particularly emotional about it - it's a cold, hard fact: I am going to kill myself. That is how I am going to die. I try and imagine my future, and I know that in a few years time I'll probably be dead.

I have the exact same feeling. I have reasons behind it as well, but do not want to post them as it might encourage others. Probably the most prominent reason is that I rather know when my end is here rather then waiting for it to come unexpectedly.

 

[White Dove]

i know i am going to die, but rather it be by my cancer or by suicide i do not know:blink: the way things look right now i think it just might be by suicide:blink:

i know that i am not as strong as i once was, each time something happens it gets me weaker and weaker and the passing of my oldest brother really broke me to the point of no return. i have had many attempts but i also know the next time i do attempt it will be the last and be forever, cause i will die when i make that attempt. well, my body will die but my spirit will go back to God.. bible says your spirit goes back to God so i guess it will be up to God to destroy that spirit or not.

I know i dont think that all suicides go directly to hell cause i did not even come close the last attempt i made. it was not hell i went to so i dont think all suicides go to hell, some might but not all of them will. i think it mostly depends upon how you lived your life, how you were treated, what lead to the attempt,etc but then again what do i know? i am just a tiny white dove with a big broken and shattered heart that is too far gone to be fixed.

but yep, i have felt like i will die by suicide for sure

 

[Rosenrot]

Perhaps your best bet is to try to distract yourself from this thought.

I suffer from the same - I know I am going to kill myself someday. It's imminent. It's going to happen, and nothing can stop it. I've just found that I have to ignore it.. it's hard to do when I'm really depressed. When the time comes, it comes, hopefully not for a few years, and by then maybe I'll feel better.

We just gotta take it day by day..