knowing

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by plates, Dec 28, 2010.

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  1. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    the last time i was going to do it, i called for help
    then i worked on autopilot and got myself out in 6 days. the doctor didn't want me there anyway, because i was so cheerful when i felt better for 4 hours after a week of my life hanging on the line.

    distracting, like i said countless times before is only distraction.
    i've been doing all the 'right things', so many people are pleased.


    i've never felt like this before.

    i just told my mother what my life has been like, i never do. i started screaming at her of my death and how it's going to happen.

    the reaction was blank- nothing.


    i love life but i doubt i'll make it through to next month.

    i don't feel anything now.
    so i'm supposed to medicate myself. i have.


    it doesn't change a thing.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 28, 2010
  2. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    being met with a blank reaction, makes me realise how much i do want something else

    and i suppose i'm going to have to look for it. i look at the wrong people constantly and know where to go from here. my mother is certainly one of them. the pain isn't as bad as last year when letting her know how close i was to death.

    one thing i realised while being in hospital was my will to live through my own recovery programme and my health. which is why the doctors think i won't die.

    it's not a choice. my will to live will lead me to people who aren't cold and heartless, or manipulators, abusers. i know exactly who to stay away from.



    maybe i "knew" (my "knowing") i was going to die sticking 'round certain people. and maybe i'm not ready to let people into the hell i endure. that might take time. i enjoy life to the fullest and there are many things which nurture me.

    i dreamt, only a few days ago of a clearing i used to go to which was rich, full of green this summer. it never had been before.

    and although the foundation of my being is scarred, there are wounds which have healed, there are ones which are bleeding, and i know how to heal them.


    just a little conversation, it helps me get through the hour without resorting to downing alcohol to stop the pain, something i haven't done in over 6 months.
    i got through it.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 28, 2010
  3. ~Claire

    ~Claire Well-Known Member

    I don't really know what to say. Sorry.

    Welcome back though :hug:.
     
  4. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    it's okay, loads don't know what to say to me. :laugh:

    thank you for your words Claire.
     
  5. ~Claire

    ~Claire Well-Known Member

    I hope things get better for you soon :arms:.
     
  6. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    it already is, and i hope the same for you.
     
  7. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Plates,
    I'm glad you shared..Keep in mind that you have friends here at the forum..You can vent or just talk and we will listen and offer what support we can.. Suicide isn't the answer..It took me five years of therapy to realize that..I wish all the best for you.. I'm around in the mornings if you need soemone to talk to.. Take care!!
     
  8. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hi Plates. Maybe your mom was in denial when you told her that you're suicidal (resulting in a blank stare). Maybe she didn't want to believe that her child is contemplating suicide?
     
  9. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    yes, denial is the primary part of her nature. maybe that's why i wasn't so effected but kept screaming. she is so vacant and out of it recently (and prolly most of her life)...she is just blank, nothing is THERE

    then again, i think when i confront her and i'm faced with her zoning out, defensiveness and sheer idiocy, it's because she IS shutting down because she can't deal with what i'm saying. i've always said people live in dreamland around me and this is a perfect example.

    then again, she's lived in denial all her life and has only acknowledged (rather than accept, and hold herself accountable) uncomfortable truths very slightly over the last 4 yrs. i've always said to everyone i'm in the place where i am now because i face reality and deal with it rather than distracting myself and living in a fog. if people don't like what i say, i always notice they mix myself up with THEIR life and bullshit, because they can't deal with confrontation or anything outside their safety zone. or they ignore me. it's safer! they prefer to drug themselves with whatever fantasy, alcohol, television they like while sitting on their arses wasting their life away


    i woke up knowing if i stay in this house with them for too long they might find my dead body :laugh:. seeing as the weather's improved i have plans to get out of here and do what i do best which is live and look after myself.

    thank you for your replies Stranger, DaveN.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 29, 2010
  10. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Some people know that they can't deal with certain things, so they prefer to stay in their safety zone. It's easier to deal with than reality. But there are different ways to cope with one's reality. Accepting reality for what it is and moving on is better than getting caught up with everything that is going wrong.
     
  11. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    when it comes to personal responsibility over behaviour which can be socially or culturally acceptable, it's easier for people to surround themselves with people supporting their bull and coddling them. taking responsibility over things i'm telling them is way too much to swallow. they'll live every day of their lives in some delusion, fucking up people in their blind haze and telling them "it's okay, it's normal" until they die, saying NOTHING, living for NOTHING, doing NOTHING and treating me as their crutch while showing no interest in their effect on others.

    i have no time for them in my life.

    i suppose i'm the walking example of someone who doesn't listen and does her own thing. i get hated, and admired by the people who see what i'm about.

    take care, thanks for talking to me.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 30, 2010
  12. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Sometimes the truth hurts too much, so people live in lies and denial. Hope you're feeling okay plates. :hug:
     
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