the last time i was going to do it, i called for help then i worked on autopilot and got myself out in 6 days. the doctor didn't want me there anyway, because i was so cheerful when i felt better for 4 hours after a week of my life hanging on the line. distracting, like i said countless times before is only distraction. i've been doing all the 'right things', so many people are pleased. i've never felt like this before. i just told my mother what my life has been like, i never do. i started screaming at her of my death and how it's going to happen. the reaction was blank- nothing. i love life but i doubt i'll make it through to next month. i don't feel anything now. so i'm supposed to medicate myself. i have. it doesn't change a thing.