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l can't stop hating myself and don't know why I'm alive (Part 3)

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Akai_Namida, Nov 9, 2015.

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  1. Akai_Namida

    Akai_Namida Member

    2009: I begin inflicting self harm again after over a year of refraining from doing so. I begin dangerously fantasizing about suicide, but cannot manage to get the courage to act on it. I lose my faith in God entirely. When I confide in my best friend about this, she tells me it's not a big deal and that if I'm going to sulk like this, she isn't going to go out of her way to hang out with me. I am called a "fat goth chick" by a longtime friend, which triggers more self harm. I discover that my boyfriend at the time is a chubby- chaser, and begin avoiding him at all costs. My mother begins taking me to a doctor, who puts me on a rigorous diet and exercise regimen.

    2010: My family moves again, this time several hours away from my hometown after my mother begins a new job which also happens to be closer to my doctor's office. Things seem to be looking up for a short time, as our financial situation stabilizes and I am beginning to really lose weight. I begin working temporarily as an office assistant at my mother's job. I begin feeling a little better about myself, but my best friend begins calling me five to six times a day and guilting me about "abandoning her" when she needed me. To keep my sanity in check, I begin ignoring her phone calls for weeks at a time (let me be clear that she thrives on drama and I have a hard time being able to relax and calm myself when she thinks she's in a crisis, which is usually self- inflicted and was mostly due to her cheating on every boyfriend she's ever had). I feel things are really looking up for me when I obtain a permanent job at a hospital and move into a house of my own (after my bad apartment experience I vowed never to live with a roommate again). I end up losing nearly 40 pounds by the end of the year.

    2010-11: My new job at the hospital turns out to be one of the biggest mistakes I've ever made. In the purchasing department, the woman who was supposed to train me skips out after a day and a half, leaving me to the mercy of the hospital staff, of which they have none. I am constantly screamed at by every person who walks into the office and constantly embarassed in front of sales reps during meetings. It gets so bad that I have to periodically lock the office door and crawl under the desk to cry. I inform my mother of the situation (she helped me to get the position) and she doesn't believe me. She tells me that this is an opportunity and that I'm blowing it. I say nothing else about it but cry every morning and night. My sleep suffers even more and I feel sick constantly from the stress. It isn't until another girl is hired to work in the department with me and suffers the same mistreatment that anyone believes what I have been saying.

    2011: My mother loses her job and I lose my house (landlady had to file bankruptcy). I have to move back home, and am the sole provider for my family. I take up a second job doing medical transcriptions in the evenings and on weekends, but am constantly told that this isn't enough. My mother pressures me to leave the hospital and work on the assembly line, but I am tired of having my decisions being made for me and flat- out ignore her.

    2012: I am heartbroken when my adoptive grandfather falls ill and passes away one month after my birthday. It is especially detrimental to my mental state, as he and I have always been incredibly close. He was the one positive male influence in my life who seemed to really, truly care for me, even though I was not of his blood. I cannot think of him without immediately starting to cry to this day.

    2013: I feel powerless and useless when I cannot comfort my baby brother after his best friend commits suicide. I go back to my hometown to visit my best friend and her new boyfriend. He happens to be my very first crush from high school, and she seems to enjoy flaunting him in front of me as if to make a point. I don't let her see that it affects me, even after so much time has passed. I get incredibly defensive every time he tries to talk to me about having rejected me in high school.

    2014: My best friend's boyfriend leaves her for another girl and steals her car in the process. Despite my anger, I am there to comfort her. Eventually she moves on and gets a new boyfriend. I lose my job at the hospital, which I am hardly heartbroken about. When I tell her, she convinces me that it is time for us to get our own place together, like we have always planned. She arranges for temporary work for the both of us, then drives down to my house and picks me up. Instead of finding our own place, we end up living in her new boyfriend's house for three months living off of what work we can find. During this time, she becomes pregnant and informs me that she is going to permanently move in with her boyfriend in a new house instead. She tries to be conciliatory by offering to have me move in with them as a "live- in nanny", which I flatly refuse. Instead, I am allowed to live in her boyfriend's old house, with the cat she gave me for my birthday.

    2014: I live by myself and find work as a maid for two months. My "best friend" regularly lets herself into the house at all hours of the day and night, now having access to me around the clock while she continually gets me involved in her drama. I am also not making my payments to her and her boyfriend quickly enough, though they refuse to tell me how much I owe each month or what the deadlines for the payments actually are. I am just giving them as much cash as I am able every week. By the end of the second month, I am informed that I have got to go. I inform my "friend" that I am not ending the friendship, but that I am going to need time to recover from this before I can see her again. She decides to punish me by trying to take away the cat she gave me for my birthday. I inform my family, who helps me to quickly pack up my things and my cat and gets me out of there before my "friend" can send her very large brother over to collect the animal from me (yes, she tried to intimidate me). I lose my only friend in the world over this, and never speak to her again.

    Continued in next thread...
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