Lacerated soul

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by Noirceur, Apr 23, 2009.

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  1. Noirceur

    Noirceur Member

    Memories which storm into my head. They are often unintentional and often provocated. Memories of my life ( When I write this, I add an "aren't they?" to this sentence because of my unsureness, and because I don't know if it's the right term, although it seems to be when I look rationally on it.)

    What can be done to a child when it is in its developement phase which can follow it for the rest of its life? What can be done ... is it the act of salaciousness which is done by many adults? Has this act the power to influence the personality of a child so that it has longtime damages respectively consequences? Is it only demaging because it is not made for that young children if you look at it through the biological apsect of evolution? Or is it probably not related to the evolution? Is it an individual development? Questions everywhere which stormed in my head in the last years.

    I was six, seven, eight, nine, ten.
    In this period, social aptitudes have to be learned like the interaction with others or the self-esteem. Has this experience influenced my self-esteem in a bad or a good way?
    When you look at me today, you will see an open-minded and nice girl which offers everybody help and seems to be honest. Not egoistic, not vengeful, not bad. That means that there is no evidence that my social competences are damaged or something like that, but a kind of reverse thing because I was able to develop my personality in a kind of "right" way. I am able to interact in a group and I am able to act an react on my own. My self-esteem is superficially distinctive because I say what I mean and I stand behind my opinion.

    In fact, the reality is a different one.
    I have built a kind of cave of solitude in which I escape when many things happen; too much things. This escape to my inner self made a kind of second personality which almost nobody knows. Some people might have met some tiny parts of it, but I never explained the reasons for further understanding. Why? When somebody asked and begged me to explain it, I escaped to my inner cave, I run there to hide myself because explanations and justifications are one great problem of me.


    I was six years old.
    My thoughts were still at the kindergarden or thoughts about my mother, etc. The way from my kindergarden to my house is normally like everyday.
    Then I see a man. While he smokes, he beckons me to come to him. I am in a inner fight- "Shall I go or shall I not"- because he is a stranger. He beckons more and more, so that I walk into his direction. He says that my mother said that I has to go with him. My thoughts get blurred and I don't know - No, I really don't know- why I went with him. Was it the fear of authority? I don't know. I just did it.
    Then in the house ...
    There happened things to me which I shall not describe here because I don't know who will read this or not...I don't know what is okay to writer or not...

    Five years followed and I was his puppet... he used me, he abused me, he played with me and he gave me love.
    This is the point where I think that my personality is so twosided.
    I have very high constrasted characteristics.

    On the one hand: extrovert, loud, honest, nice, funny, etc. and on the other hand: silent, shy, introvert, sad, melancholic, etc.

    ...

    I don't know how to handle me. I am under a high pressure to hide my real feelings and not to make faults in front of others. The only aspect which was seen by some people is my auto-agression...

    I am not able to tell others what happened neither why I am that way.
    I am hopeless.

    I hope you understand my English ...
    and if I am honest, I can't estimate any helpful stuff because the "thing" what I have to change is me...

    Noirceur.
     
  2. Daisy

    Daisy Active Member

    I just wanted to let you know that I understand what you are saying and I'm sitting here with you, listening to you tell your story.
    I care.
     
  3. Noirceur

    Noirceur Member

    My psychiatrist wants that I go to police and make a complaint. My psychologist blames (Of course not directly...) me because he said something like "Do you know that this person walks around and can destroy other children lifes?"... I am insecured, but I don't have the power to talk to somebody in real about this, so how should I go to police, to the court, to whatever...

    This is one aspect which insecures me totally.

    At the moment, I can't write anything else than that... I am in a totally fucked up situation which triggered in me many things, so that I am not able to find words to describe what happened.

    Thank you for your answer, Daisy.

    Noirceur.
     
  4. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    Perhaps go to the police station and ask to speak to someone. But only do so if you feel up to it.


    I'm sorry to hear about what has happened to you.
     
  5. Noirceur

    Noirceur Member

    I don't want to go to police station and I don't know how it is about the fact of "lapse of time". And I don't want to... I can't. But I feel blamed, I feel guilty because I don't want...
     
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