Lack of Love Depressing Me Again

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by duka, Nov 3, 2010.

  1. duka

    duka Well-Known Member

    I wasn't sure where to post this, since it involves relationships as well as depression. Let me describe my love life situation. Essentially, I have no love life. I also have no love (not that kind, anyway). I have a life, but it's a life without ever being touched by a woman. I'm in my early twenties now and things have never been any different. I've never gotten any particularly positive attention from the opposite sex (although I have from the same sex, even though I'm straight). I've never had a girlfriend, a date, a kiss, or even a cuddle. Now, you might think that means I'm some sort of creep or jerk, but I`m not! I`m a decent guy, strong, good body, intelligent, caring, and I've always found it pretty easy to be funny. Situation permitting, of course. The only time I ever whine about this is on the internet, so that's not the problem either.

    Usually I can deal with this fact and sort of push it aside awhile, but lately it doesn't take much to make me question my situation again. In fact, just today I walked passed two girls from one of my classes and said hi, and they both kind of groaned "hey" saying they were too tired to talk. Not 10 seconds later, another (fatter) guy walked by and the one girl went ecstatic and she waved both hands frantically saying hi. Then she starts talking to the other girl about how adorable and nice he is. I was still there, by the way, but I left quickly, feeling a little bit like chopped liver. That's far from the first time a girl's done that to me, too.

    I'm wondering if maybe I'm just not cut out for that part of life (the best part ever, according to those experiencing it). I'm trying to keep my chin up and I don't see myself as inferior, but almost every run-in with girls I think I might like leaves me feeling that way. Essentially, I don't know what to do about it. There's probably nothing more I can do, but I at least wish I could stop feeling so bad about it.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 3, 2010
  2. ThornThatNeverHeals

    ThornThatNeverHeals Well-Known Member

    Why do you wish to feel love? Have you every really tried going somewhere new, to meet new girls? Sometimes you just need to get into a new crowd. Also dont be overconfident, or really what i mean is that you being shy and trying to cover it can make you look overconfident. just be yourself.
     
  3. nolonger

    nolonger Well-Known Member

    Looking at that, chances are you've got more then one chick that like's you :tongue:.

    Most women are content with the intelligent and caring(and somewhat humorous), and the 'strong and good body' bit would be a bonus :).

    As lazyH said, don't be overconfident - just try to be yourself.

    Do you go out to meet women often/socialize? It doesn't sound like you're socially isolated/introverted.
     
  4. duka

    duka Well-Known Member

    Actually, I am pretty shy and modest by nature. I only recently started to open up to strangers and take social initiative, but, again, that's difficult to keep up when women never seem interested in me. I also haven't quite figured out how to meet women just yet. I don't drink, so bars are out, my hobbies are mostly indoor and solitary (working out, researching and reading, random attempts at different forms of art), so most woman-filled clubs are out, unless I take yoga. Then I could maybe at least become the ambiguously gay friend to a lot of girls. Also, all of my old friends are gone, so wandering around aimlessly is out, unless I'm prepared to risk looking creepy, which I'm not desperate enough to do yet. I've met a few girls through university, but all resulted as described above. Even church is out now, since I am no longer very religious.

    I'm not sure what option that leaves me for meeting women, but street performing (without much practice, and during a Canadian winter), streaking at a sports event (again, winter), and vigilantism all come to mind. I don't know. I hear being a sparkly vampire helps.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 3, 2010
  5. KittyGirl

    KittyGirl Well-Known Member

    haha~ you sir are quite funny indeed!

    If you don't feel too confident going out to a bar you could always try 'online' dating? If that doesn't strike your fancy either- I could suggest signing up for classes somewhere. A YMCA, a community centre, a college- just something on the cheaper side that will also expose you to new people in a comfortable environment.
    Cooking classes are excellent; as they tend to be filled with the ladies and there isn't a single lady out there who wouldn't love a guy who can cook!
    Or even Yoga could work fairly well; especially if you are a beginner AND attractive~ the ladies will be clamoring over themselves to teach the new guy how to get into all the poses, yes?

    You just need to go and try new things.
    Think about it- I'm sure you will come up with the right answer for you.

    If all else fails... get a puppy.
    Take said puppy to a dog park.
    Mission complete.
    :bubble:
    but if you go the puppy route-- make sure to actually LOVE and care for the puppy, because it's like having a baby... which could also help you out if you are feeling lonely.
     
  6. duka

    duka Well-Known Member

    All of those are possibilities, KittyGirl, although I've actually tried a few online dating sites already. Unfortunately (and ridiculously), through some Twilight Zone-like twist of fate, it was difficult to meet women that way, too. None of the many messages I sent out were ever answered, and it was very discouraging. Yoga and cooking would be possible but risky. True, the girls might clamor for the new guy, but if they DIDN'T do that right away then I would be stuck doing cooking or yoga until somebody finally did, which might take a long time. And, given my experience, they probably wouldn't all clamor at once, if at all.

    Pets aren't allowed in my apartment but maybe I could find a cute stray and pretend it's mine. At least until it bites me and runs away while I say, "Um... yeah, that's right! Go fetch!" I could also try other methods of attraction, like becoming taller and muscle-bulgier. After all, I am only 5'8" and quite lean. Perhaps my lack of fat makes me appear less cuddly. A fairly solid body probably makes for really uncomfortable hugs.

    I'll just get some pointers by watching Johnny Bravo. He'll know what to do!
     
  7. KittyGirl

    KittyGirl Well-Known Member

    haha~ well, you know.... Johnny never gets the girl either, so that may be the wrong direction to go in as well?

    I think maybe because you have not had many successes in the past, you're really letting it get to you. It's hard to gain confidence from thin air- so I understand how it could be discouraging if you didn't see results right away BUT girls are shy as well, you know? These things take time.
    I just hope you don't let your 'lack of love' destroy you completely.
     
  8. duka

    duka Well-Known Member

    I'm trying not to let it get me down all the time, and, like I said earlier, I can usually just ignore it. But it's true what you said about developing confidence out of thin air. Most women prefer confidence in men, at least to start a conversation, and just kind of expect it from men as a personality trait. And, while men actually have to talk to women for them to think they're interested, women can get away with subtler hints, like batting their eyelashes or dropping their handkerchiefs from the tower window. It's much harder to talk to women when you're by yourself and have no reason to believe it will actually work. I think that makes every rejection I get all the more damaging.

    I've often joked about becoming a hermit or joining a monastic order just so I wouldn't have to worry about women anymore. Plus, if I became a Buddhist monk I would get superpowers, which would be decent compensation. However, according to experience, I'll be really popular with the 60+ crowd when I get to be that age, since it's mostly older women who call me cute or appreciate my non-drinking lifestyle. Other options include: being rescued from an accident, becoming a male stripper, or joining the seduction community.
     
  9. KittyGirl

    KittyGirl Well-Known Member

    lol~ oh my, oh my~
    might I give you one more suggestion- since you do not drink?

    I do not drink or smoke or believe in casual sex; but am not necessarily religious- thus, I am included in the "straight-edge" lifestyle.
    If you don't know about it, you should do some research. There are more and more communities online and off where you could meet up with more people who also do not drink or expect you to drink to get to know eachother and have fun.
    If anything, perhaps friendship could be found.

    I gather from your posts that you are quite funny. That is an attractive trait amongst a large percentage of the female population.
    It would be a shame for you to become a monk- even if you had superpowers... what else are superpowers for, but to attract damsels? Just seems a bit wasteful, really...
     
  10. Avarice

    Avarice Well-Known Member

    I'm not sure how much help I can be, but I will tell you this; don't come across as too desperate. I know from personal experience with past male friends of mine how unattractive it can be to have a guy after you simply because he's never had a girlfriend before and desperately wants to experience what it's like to be in a relationship with somebody, most of the time without them even realising the way in which they're being percieved by girls. I'm not saying that you are in fact desperate, just that it's something you should be mindful of, as no matter how attractive, or confident, or funny a guy is, if he comes across as just wanting to get his hands on whatever he can find (even if that's not the case - it just has to seem that way to the girl) then he immediately becomes very unattractive.

    That aside, I think you have a fairly decent chance of finding someone at some point. You've demonstrated the fact that you're funny, you seem nice enough, and going by what you've said about your looks, there's nothing to worry about there either. I'm in my early twenties too, and although I've had two real life relationships to date, I can empathize with how you're feeling completely, especially concerning the fact that you don't drink - I find it hard enough myself to meet people my age that aren't into partying every friday night and getting stupidly drunk every weekend.

    As for ways to meet new people, you could try after-school activities if there are any at your university. Art classes, some kind of sport, drama club, etc? Something that you yourself would be interested in but which may also allow you a way to meet new females in your area, so that if indeed it doesn't work out how you'd hope, you'd still somewhat enjoy what you're doing.

    I'll stop blathering on, but I wish you luck in this and apologies if my advice hasn't been too helpful.
     
  11. Atompilz

    Atompilz Well-Known Member

    Hi Duka, new here. :)
    You sound like most girls ideal man! Funny but not full of yourself, arty, studious but not pretentious, intelligent but not arrogant and taller than the average girl, slim but not fixated on looking like a body builder and open to trying anything new. What more could anyone ask for?!
    The problem is most girls don't go around telling guys what they actually want in a man so this leaves the men to decide for themselves what they think girls want. The easiest way it would seem to do this is to look at which guys get lots of female attention and how girls react when they see a particular guy.
    The problem here is that the people who would outwardly show these reactions in public are the confident type who probably are used to getting the attention, the 'jocks' or cheerleaders or whatever the equivalent is where you are, basically the popular crowd. These types of people will generally attract the same type and are usually the ones telling their mates how p***ed off they are that said jock/cheerleader has cheated on them or left them for someone else, it is one big (usually messed up and slightly inbred haha!)competition on who has the best looking girl/boyfriend or who has slept with the most people!
    On the other hand the more shy girl who would perhaps be more suited to you would probably only be looking at you when you weren't looking at her so you wouldn't even have noticed she liked you, she certainly wouldn't be making it obvious to you by openly flirting with you or obviously chatting to her friends about you.
    Trust me, I was painfully shy, studious and wallflower like until 19, if a guy I liked even looked at me I would go red, if he talked to me Oh my God I would want to run and hide (and often did!) so most of the time any guy I liked would have no idea I liked him or probably any idea I even existed! If a guy showed any interest in me I would look around thinking his mates must be having a bet with him to chat up the ugly girl or think it was just a joke so laugh it off. It wasn't until I went to Uni that I realised if I carried on like this I would not make any friends so forced myself to chat and make jokes (all the time being terrified that people were focusing on me!). It came as quite a shock to get positive attention, flirting and even asked out. It was like it opened up a whole new world. But I found the people I felt more comfortable with and then you don't need to wish you were like other people. Itwasn't that I was not being myself just finding the courage (or faking the courage) to speak to people and take a chance. The more I did it the easier it got and became more natural.

    Many girls don't like big muscly guys (this is a guy myth), slim is more attractive. I had a geeky friend who always got picked on for not wearing fashionable clothes and being skinny, wearing glasses being too studious. Then he decided to just work that look going full on 'geek chic' which then became fashionable and he now fights girls off just by being himself. One thing most people can spot and get put off by is people pretending to be something they are not, being yourself is always the best way even if you get less attention than others, the attention you will get will be far more valid and genuine believe me and will be from people you can connect with.

    From what you have said it doesn't sound like you are a 'jock' type at all and you shouldn't want to be. You say girls like confident guys and I would say that only some types of girls do, usually the confident types. I myself was never part of the 'in crowd' at school or university and even now at 34 I have never really fit in but wouldn't change myself in order to do so. You just gradually get to know who you feel comfortable with and then you can be yourself. I actually see confidence as a turnoff and would much more likely be attracted to the quiet guy in the corner than the guy showing off his body and thinking he is God's gift.

    The girls you saw checking out the fatter guy may have been flirting purely because he had had a gorgeous girlfriend before. A lot of girls judge a guy on how pretty their girl is, if the prettiest girl in school dated him he must be worth flirting with and if they get him it puts them in the same 'class' as the prettiest girl! Yes (young) people really do think like that! (Not me! I am old!) That is if they were shallow which many people are. If they were not then maybe they just saw something that another guy wouldn't. Depending on their age of course, many younger girls go for the best looking/most popular guy but as girls get older and actually want a conversation and someone who won't cheat on them or dump them when someone better comes along they look more at the person, appearance becomes less important, which is why you often see a really attractive woman with an average guy.

    From what you have said (and you really are funny :) ) I would bet money that there are a lot of girls who like you, perhaps in secret as they are shy, or they think you would not be interested in them or perhaps just waiting for you to say hi to them. You never know one of them could have been watching you from afar when you said hi to those girls who then brushed you off and was asking herself 'why is he saying hi to them, they are easy/full of themselves, why won't he notice me?'

    The main advice I would give is don't try to be like other people, be yourself and you will attract people like you. To me this is the same whatever a persons age and in any situation, if you do things you enjoy and try new things you will meet people you connect with, have something already in common with and will have something to start a conversation about. Also be a 'Yes man'. If you like someone, talk to them, if it gets you nowhere at least you now know and can stop thinking what might happen. The 'what's the worst that can happen' is a cliche but it is so true. Think to yourself 'what would I normally do?' then do the exact opposite, if you have doubts about doing anything just force yourself to do it, join Yoga, cooking whatever, if you don't like it it won't hurt you then just don't go again and try something else. You will be amazed at the things it will lead you to do.

    Don't be in a hurry either, you are young (God I sound/feel so OLD!!!)and have a lot going for you and believe me, despite what most guys think, many many girls actually love it when a guy doesn't have too much experience in sex or love as they won't feel pressure to live up to certain standards and the guys are far less likely just to treat them like a piece of meat and then dump them! Good luck :)
     
  12. duka

    duka Well-Known Member

    Okay, wait. I be myself, and I attract other people like me? But all my relatives keep saying I'm one of a kind! I understand what you're saying, though. My mom has always said the girls won't talk to me because they're shy, but I never believed her because a vast majority of the girls in one of my high schools weren't shy (they were likely drunk and high most of the time, though). They were quite verbal about who they did and didn't like. Sometimes I'm a little shy, too, and sometimes I can't always be funny right off the bat, but I suppose that's not always a bad thing. Lately, the subject of girls hasn't been on my mind as often. I've been focusing on other things, like school and interests and other less-interesting-than-girls-stuff. Yes, I have an interest I've decided to pursue, but I doubt I'll meet any girls through that particular interest.

    Incidentally, a girl started showing interest in me after I started this thread. She wasn't my type, mind you. In fact, she was kind of gross and fairly aggressive and desperate, so I had to proverbially beat her off with a proverbial stick (in a nice, passive way, because I'm not capable of intentionally hurting feelings unprovoked). I'm pretty sure she's moved on to other prey already. Anyway, my spirits are high. I've decided to at least give myself until my 25th (maybe 26th) birthday before I get all upset and lie face-down on the floor, motionless (that's how I pout). If nothing happens by then, I guess it's no big deal. After all, lots of famous individuals had few to no relationships, like Bradford Cox, T. E. Lawrence (a.k.a. Lawrence of Arabia), Immanuel Kant, Bruce Wayne, Spring Heeled Jack, Brainy Smurf, the list goes on.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 26, 2010
  13. Atompilz

    Atompilz Well-Known Member

    It is true we are all one of a kind. Some just like to blend in with the masses and others (usually the more interesting and intelligent) take their own route and make more of their own choices to show their indivuality. I use the word 'misfits' in an affectionate way and would say the majority of people here fit the catagory. It can often lead to bullying at school or being singled out therefore depression self doubt etc. But later down the line when peer pressure is off these people usually become the most successful and will appreciate that they weren't one of the sheep.

    That's great that you are being positive, making things happen. I think a lot of it comes down to being in the right place at the right time with the right person. Some of the good friends/partners I have met have been in the weirdest of circumstances that I never could have predicted or made happen.
     
  14. duka

    duka Well-Known Member

    Just kind of an update, I guess. The fall term's winding down, and that means no more talking to people, only studying. Even though I won't be meeting any girls anytime soon, I've started to think about my situation again and consider my future. The main thing that worries me in this situation is whether my type is actually out there. I really hope I don't get desperate enough to settle for a girl I don't even like. I've actually seen relationships like that between older people, and it's not always pretty.

    In addition, I'm a little concerned that I'm growing more cynical towards relationships by the day. Lately, I've been seeing a lot of young women who have strange rules when it comes to dating, like the guy has to be older than her, which might imply she's looking for maturity, yet I've seen more than one fall for the cheesiest, dumbest lines I could outdo in my sleep (e.g. "I, like, love you, like, more than I can express." "Awww..."). In fact, speaking of strange rules, I recently talked to a girl who said she doesn't date guys shorter than herself. Well, she's 5'9", maybe a little taller, and the male average in this country is 5'9.5", which means she just excluded roughly half of her home country's male population, which includes me, by the way (rassa frassa... must be this tall to be worthy... rassa frassa...). It doesn't seem fair or practical to me. Yet most of the women I meet around here seem to have similar preferences. Is this just a location thing? Or a certain type of girl that I keep encountering? I hope it is, because I'm getting a funny suspicion that the girls around here are just too picky for me to ever have a chance with. Not that I won't try to disprove that theory by being myself, of course!
     
  15. protomoonzero

    protomoonzero Member

    Don't be discouraged by dumb girls. Sorry, but sometimes I'm ashamed of my own sex in terms of how shallow they can be. Blame it on Disney and Hollywood. Girls in their teens and 20 has their whole life in front of them and therefore only looks for the "ideal". Then they find out that whatever ideal they built up doesn't exist. Then they'll come running back to you... By then you'll have found someone who loves you for you and then you can reject them.

    Honestly, I've no idea why you haven't picked up someone yet. You sound like a great guy and I'd probably date you in a heartbeat :p
    As for going somewhere new to meet someone. Well, new hobbies are fun but just make sure you have an interest in whatever it is. That way meeting someone will just be a plus and doing the hobby wont become a chore (sp?).

    Hope that wasn't too confusing. Good luck :D
     
  16. duka

    duka Well-Known Member

    And they say men are the only shallow ones. But seriously, it's too bad some girls (and people in general!) think like that. That means that, whichever men they end up falling for, they'll have only fallen for them because they've lowered their standards, unless they've changed their preferences due to having grown up. Otherwise, it becomes less about love and more about not being single, which is, as I said, a mindset I'm hoping to avoid.

    I suppose I could travel to some foreign country to seek my fortune (which I guess would include love), although it would be risky and quite expensive. If I went to the Philippines, I'd be taller than every local woman around, plus exotic-looking. I even have that effect here, but I guess it's not the sexy kind of exotic to people here. And if I went to Japan (especially a big city like Tokyo), then I might get the same effect, plus cuteness is a bigger part of their culture, I hear. But still, as Harrison Ford once said in a movie, "It's an island, babe. If you don't bring it here, you won't find it here."

    I suppose I'll have to be content with bouncing off my bedroom walls for the time being. But next week I go to a slightly warmer climate for a few days to visit someone. Maybe I can pick up some pointers over there. Or at least start thinking about something else. My brothers always told me to avoid girls because they were nothing but trouble. So far, that seems to be the case most of the time, but clearly not all the time, since both my brothers have gotten married. Anyway, I'm getting a headache thinking about this. I need to get back to watching 80's movies now.