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Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by *dilligaf*, Sep 29, 2007.

  1. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni

    Ya know what, I'm done caring.

    All I can think about is that conversation last night. Seeing you crying over something I had done broke my heart. I didn't think you would really tell 4 random strangers about our personal business. Guess it got to you more than I knew eh. I didn't need some drunk Jeremy Kyle wannabe telling me I had done wrong, and how to make it better to you thanks. I know what I have done and you'll never know how guilty I feel about it.

    I didn't want to come out with you right now for many reasons. First one being I feel ill. Yeah, self inflicted so I'll shut up.
    You saw the state I got into last night over those clothes. Didn't tell ya but I had a blade in my hand wanting to do it. I didn't FOR YOU. I cant be arsed with that again right now.
    Reading that leaflet and seeing her name like that, seeing the R.I.P hurt like hell. Brought back everything and made me miss her even more. I want to go on Monday, yet at the same time I SO don't want to. I needed time to think about that.
    I got up this morning because you said you didn't feel safe. Sat with you. You were fine when you wanted to go to Morrisons alone, but as soon as I decide I don't want to go out it felt like you were trying to make me feel guilty.
    I want those pills in my bag, I want to cut, I want to curl up in a ball under my covers and hide from the world and wallow in self pity. I don't want to walk to town. Sorry if that annoys you.

    I love you so fucking much and would do anything for you.

    I know what I have done to you with my stupid mistake and trust me I think about it every day. I hate myself for it. For hurting you like that, for being stupid, and for possibly ruining us.

    I can't take these moods. Not just yours darling, mine too. I just can't. One of us needs to be okay to make sure this works, because I don't know about you, but I certainly don't want to give up on us.

    So I give up okay. I'm sorry for being moody, I'm sorry for snapping, I'm sorry for being me.

    I'm gonna make the pain go away and make the moods go away. Got the pills and got the blade. I don't know why I ever thought I could do this. I'm weak, we both know that. Ah well, 26 days isn't bad I suppose. I'm gonna take it out on myself instead of you. I know what this is about, and TRUST me it's not you. So I need to stop taking it out on you.

    Love you darling.

    Here's to a happier me :dry: :biggrin:
  2. emma-louise

    emma-louise Guest

    :hug: i'm really sorry you feel this way Sam, i'm sure things will get better honey and you and Vikki will be fine, you're just going through a rough time and i have faith in you honey. You're a fantastic friend and thank you for being you .. i like you for you as do many people, and i wouldn't want you any other way. Everyone has mood swings and feel like this but it WILL get better, things WILL get easier.

    Love you ♥
  3. danni

    danni Chat Buddy

    sam :hug: pls dont hurt ur self look how long u gone without doing anything, we all make mistakes hun were only human we all do stupid stuff but trust me its not the end of the world. you know how much i care for you hun, please dont give up you know i' here for you if u can pls get on skype so i can tlk to you pls :hug:
  4. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    I know you, no you ain't so don't even say it.

    I'm sorry for that but the comment your mum made upset me and i went outside to think. I was fine and would of come back in if you had left me to it like i said to do in the first place.

    I asked you if you didn't want me to tell them and you said you didn't. Don't say you don't mind when you do because thats only gonna cause us to argue. If you had said you minded i wouldn't of said it.

    What did you expect?? me to roll out of bed and got over it? You have NO idea how much it got to me. How much it hurt me when i found out and it will for a while. You of all people should know that. You know how hard it is for me to trust people. I trusted you 100% when i went away and you broke that and broke it once again once you lied to my face after me telling you i KNOW the truth and to not lie. I gave you the chance to come clean and you didn't take it. Which led to me trying to take revenge to stop doing my head in and give me something to feel for. I was getting over the first time and it happened again. May take awhile. If you can't accept that then maybe we should do something about it.

    In all honesty, the only reason i told that guy was to get you to talk. I've tried talking to you about it and you seem to get into a mood about it and want me to just get over it. To be honest he actually did help me sort some things out in my head. Yes he was a twat and didn't give any good advice. We we're all drunk, what do ya expect from 4 - 5 drunk lads.

    You should of told me. You didn't for YOU not me.

    Im gonna do what ever you want to.

    And what would you rather me do? Walk out the house? Sit there making myself feel worse? I told you i'd be fine and you could sleep. I was ''fine''?? It's called putting on a mask. Being in this house this morning was doing my head in. Theres a shit load of razors and i knew you had pills. I admit i wanted to do something. I was TRYING to make myself safe by leaving for a bit and clearing my head but deep down i knew if i left you you'd do something and i wasn't wrong. I feel so much guilt right now for leaving you. I needed out of the house darling, i wasn't trying to make you feel guilty i just simply couldn't tell you that i was gonna be fine because i never know because of the way my moods go from being fine to depressed within mins.

    Just give me time?

    No i don't want to give up. Why do you think i walk off when we're snapping each other? To try give us time to BOTH calm down. I'm sorry but it's not always gonna be that one of us is okay, there WILL be time where we're both feeling down and will snap at each other.

    You have nothing to be sorry for.

    That isn't the answer.

    Love you too.

    Don't put on a mask.

    Next time, please rant this to me. The whole of F don't need to read our problems. I don't wanna give up on 5 months. Love you x
  5. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni

    as you pointed out with yuor last comment i need to say this to yuor face

    only things ill say here are:

    i love u
    i dont wanna loose u
    ill do anything to fight for you