I think this is the right place. Sorry for making you see this, but I'm just trying to fill my emotions with something positive, public appearance always serves this purpose. This has gone way too far..hope dragged me all the way down here, and I should've ended it loong time ago. But no more - now I can look at it as I should - false voice, a lie.Yeah,says good things but I know they ain't gonna come true, ever, never, never. I've been abused my whole goddamn life and can't seem to get over it(how do you get over that). For past two years I was making a remarkable suicide plan, getting high on my favorite music and stuff in some exotic place far far away. Last 2 months I was just keeping my fingers crossed so I can make it to another summer, that'd be good enough. But now I see, finally see through - the sooner I end everything, the sooner this nightmare ends. ENDS. This is a thought that gives me ecstasy. Oh yeah. Wait, that was to be a journal. Better make it one then. I scooped that site, yeah, there's a job opportunity that came up, and it pays loads of money, been there already before - it was good, so I guess I'll give it a spin - if I'm succesful my suicide gets postponed till summer. And I get to go to some exotic place to do it - and maybe the dream I had for those 2 years can be realized after all. Glorious suicide in an exotic place. Oh hell yes. I'd like that, I could move out of my god forsaken abusive house. Wow, what, good 6 months to relax and forget about this inferno..cause I'd rent a flat somewhere and chill, on my own, without my goddamn abusive 'family'. And then take the exotic trip. Oh man, I'm listening to this depressive song right now. Guy that sings it died in 2001. Failed heart tumor operation. Bet he had depression. Cause I'm listening to it and totally connect.. Lucky. Died in 2001. Wow..no pain of 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007, 2008.. WOW.. But then again..no 2 Metallica gigs..none of this great music that I found.. Ok, but then again if this job thing doesn't pop off, I'm partying with my blood by Dec 8th(or sooner). See there's this school of mine, it has lots and lots of nice rooms I have good memories with..I'd take my laptop along, lay low till the building gets locked down for nighttime..then I'd (try to) wash my brain clean with all of this great music, and everything, so I die without this hell of abuse on my mind, in one of those rooms. And besides, school has heating..better that than die shaking of cold outdoors. Good thing I was once interested in lockpicking, once with these 2 buddies we sat down and tried to get out of this room. Gee we sucked then, no one got the lock open. I impoved since then. Soo, there's this unused room at 3rd story, old boards and everything lies there, covered in dust, locked with a simple lock..oh my oh my. Now that I think of it, listening to this music, this is gonna be juicy..soo juicy. Fantastic vibe of abandonment, end, death, void, just picture this.. dust covered school storeroom that hasn't been opened in years..ohh I like this.. I've got loads of music I don't listen everyday cause I've been keeping it for my suicide..I don't use my laptop, keep it in a box, keeping it for my suicide. I don't play my guitar, keeping it for my suicide. You don't experience something while having bad times, when you do, you get carried away by them, you forget about bad times. Freakin 1st grader psychology. It totally works, trust me. When abused and broken you gotta split yourself in few people. One gets hurt and suffers in times of contact with abusers, other breathes while away - everyday situation level, then there's the one that prepares the arrangements for suicide(another person cause it feels special), then the last person is real you - without shields, armor, the one you wanna die as. I even dress specifically for these times. Cause mind links stuff, you know. You don't want some hurtful memory to come up when you're trying to breathe, while away..and especially not in your dear time..I'm not gonna let it happen. What we got, 3/12..started journal. Good. Need to wash my brain white, soon it will be over, either way - longer one or the 'I'm done arguing with you' one. Good to be through with hope. No more ambiguities, no more questions. One last thing to do.