Last days

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by reptor, Mar 23, 2010.

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  1. reptor

    reptor Well-Known Member

    I just wanted to see if there may be some words left out there I hadn't heard yet.

    I'm 36, Wife left me on Feb 1st, Lost my job on Feb 2nd, getting nothing but rejections for other jobs. Recovering addict and that is why my wife is going. I abused her emotionally and mentally for too long and I can't blame her. I hurt my children mentally never physically. I can never repair the damage done to them or myself.

    I am spending this week planning and setting thing into action to end my life. I really can't see much reason to go on.

    I know some of you will say the children, but, I barely see them as is and what little time I have all I can do is feel terrible for the years of damage.

    Wife said she doesn't know what the future holds but most likely things are over for ever after 10 years.

    Here I sit crying to myself yet again and everyone who I've tried to ask for help or turn to just thinks I'm being stupid and foolish and I won't hurt myself because it will devistate others. Live or die all I will do is cause pain and from my current perspective at least when I end it all the pain will fade over time. Living on all that can happen is more hurt.

    I'm not looking to really be talked out of this but I want to see if maybe someone outside has a new perspective for me.

    Thoughts are a bit jumbled so forgive if I'm rambling.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 23, 2010
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Of course your thoughts are jumpled your thinking is so distorted right now. Your children will forgive if they see your trying. The will not forget the pain of your suicide though that will stay with them forever. That trait will be passed onto them so if and when they get depressed they will think suicide is the answer Not a good thing to pass on to your children. STay show them that change is possible and that you do love them and want to be in their lives. Fight for them as well as you
  3. reptor

    reptor Well-Known Member

    I have no fight left. I'd rather not worry about the future damage I've already done. I'm the way I am because of how I was brought up. I believe if I didn't have my parents i would have been better off.

    I've tried to change and when i did that is when I lost everything. The only image change gives me is more loss.

    i've been to therapy and it failed time and again. The last one even told me I need to try and rebuild with my wife and the therapist actully got me to think I could get her back. That it would be possible to start over. This was given without the therapist even talking to my wife.

    My kids seem to fear me and don't like to be around me no matter what my mood.

    I really don't see much purpose and I've heard time and again stay for the kids. Be strong for the kids. I think it would be strong of me to go while they are young enough to have a normal life growing up. Pleanty of people in this world grow up with only 1 parent.

    My plan is in place. The kids have no chance or way of finding me. I will contact the proper people before it's over so I can be found and remains removed by the right people.

    I'm tired of the whole do it for the kids guilt trip I always seem to get.
  4. June

    June Well-Known Member

    I can understand how you feel but I don't think suicide is the best option. I mean, okay you lost your job but I'm sure sooner or later you will find another one. You have to look after yourself right now, I know you're done with fighting but hang in there just a little bit more. Show your wife that you can manage, that you love your children and that you would do anything for them. Maybe they are afraid right now because of all the fear you showed. Show them that you're strong and that you can get your life back on track. You deserve that. I know these words might not even sound very helpful for you right now as you made your decision. I do think a lot about killing myself and always hang in there because of my dad and my little nieces. There are the ones I love the most and suicide will kill them mentally as well.
    You say that you should go as long as they are young. That doesn't make sense. Whenever you leave, they will think about it forever and will live with regrets. My parents divorced when I was young and taking my dad away from me made everything worse as he is the one I love more than anything.
    All I say is that I believe that you are not useless. I think because of all the things that happened lately, it's just hard. Maybe the therapist is right and at some point you and your wife will be back together. But maybe not. But then you still proved to yourself that you can make it, that you're strong enough to handle this massive situation and one day you will spend a day with your children and can be proud of yourself looking them in the eyes! I believe in you. Hugs
  5. reptor

    reptor Well-Known Member

    While i appreciate the kind words and thoughts this is just the tip of the proverbial iceberg. It would take far too long and far too many words to build the picture of the life I have had.

    I know I'm not the only one. I'm not the last person to have a rough life and I'm certainly not the first.

    It's just that enough has finally built up. Taken enough of the life out of me.

    I feel like a monster from the things I know now that i did while i was going through my addiction. It's terrifying to me to hear how bad I acted and how mean and cruel I was. To my wife, my children, my "friends". And speaking of friends, once I got cleaned up enough to look around most of them were gone. Guess that means they weren't true friends.

    I recently asked the closest people to me to talk and try and get help. They are too busy or just give the usual "I don't know what you want me to say". I've told them to be blunt, be truthful and still no reply.

    I am throwing a party this coming weekend. Told the invited people it's to welcome in spring. They don't know it's my last time to see them. I have my plans in place and have already obtained quite a few different methods of exit so I can make my choice in the end.

    I am too logical to just end it with out being prepared. I want no chance of failure. No chance of it not working.

    I've researched my options and alternatives and found plenty.

    I came here just to see if there might have been something different someone can say to some words I haven't heard yet. It's still all the same and after years of hearing the same things over and over they tend to lose all meaning.

    I thank you all for reading and listening as I can finally get the words out that i need to. I will be checking in over the next few days as I appreciate the thoughts and words from everyone who has them to share.
  6. June

    June Well-Known Member

    I'm not trying to change your life as this is out of my hands. I want to try and make you feel better and make you change your mind about your plans. I'm glad that you are going to have a party, this will change your mind at least for a little while.
    So... Many people have told you that before? It might be true then, isn't?! Maybe all those people who talk to you, try to give you advice and be there for you in one way or the other, they care. You have to understand that it's for people around you not easy as well. Do you know how many 'friends' I lost when I was in trouble? I changed and now I have people around me who know what's wrong and who can understand a tiny bit of how I actually feel. I know from experience that there's help out there, you just have to want it. I know, that's the hard bit, right?! Whatever you do is up to you and you are the only one who can actually change something. If you don't want, then no one can help you anymore apart from feeling pity, sorry, regret, angry, upset, disappointed etc when you are gone. I know that there are people who love you and who care. Me for example. Where I am it's 2.30 in the morning and I still want to write to you. If I had the chance to see you, hey, I would. That means, I care, right? And they are more of us believe me! I'm sure you had a tough life behind you and I'm deeply sorry for that but that is one reason more to fight. Forget about your wife and your kids for a while and be there only for yourself. Do the things you always wanted to do, go away for some time, find groups to talk etc. Man, you're even invited to come out to Spain if you want. If only I can help you a little bit in changing your mind. Suicide is not the answer, you're stronger than that.
  7. reptor

    reptor Well-Known Member

    I really though I was stronger. I asked for help, went for help, begged and screamed for help and the people who tried just gave up after one or two times talking to me. I have to be cautious who I talk to at this point as there are people who could call the police or other ways to stop me and that isn't what I wanted. I want to shout out one last time.

    The "party" is more a funeral for myself. I'll be there in the background taking care of everyone else as I always try and do. I have little self worth and even less self image.

    I have always given more of myself than I try and take in this life and I realize it's time for me to be selfish to a certain degree.

    I appreciate you writing in the late hour you are in. It shows you have compassion and caring, but, you do not know me and do not know of my past. I have never killed or physically hurt anyone. I let drugs rule my life for many years and I hurt the people who mean the most to me. I can never take that back or repair it.

    If moving forward is all i have then I can't heal the scars that are there in myself, my wife, my children, or the people who say they care about me.

    I have been acting through the last few days. Showing people what they want to see and making it look like I'm just fine. I've called hotlines and another doctor. Those went nowhere.

    I am worse than i have ever been in my life. The depression has gone deep enough that I can't push it out and the "darkness" has taken over.

    Even hearing the words "I love you" from my children have no impact any more. They only seem to hurt. I don't believe them anymore. It's just words.

    I was told by someone very close to myself recently that they would always be there for me, always be a shoulder to lean on or cry on, they offered to help in any way they could. I reached out many times over the last few days just to be told by them that they were too busy, or couldn't talk, or the best reply is "Well I don't know what to say or do then". If they are there for me then why won't they answer when I try and ask for help.

    There seem to be good people here on this message board from what i've read and seen. Many of you have been where I am and have survived it. Many other seem to understand even if never there and that is wonderful as well.

    I don't really know why I decided to join the board. I know from years of experience, personal and with others, that if you ask for help you don't want to die. This time I want to die and I want it to be know.

    It feels like I'm on a journey to the cliffs edge. In a few days I'll be there. Along the way more and more of my companions seem to fade away. Disappear from my contact. Unable to reach out any more. I'm saying my good byes and farewells. I'm asking for forgivness from those around me for all I have done to them in the past. I don't attone for my sins. I'm not religious at all. I do not fear what is ahead for me. I actually welcome it and embrace it.

    For the first time in my life it seems like peace is coming and I have a chance to finally be calm and sane and rest.

    I appreciate the ears and eyes of those here. The words are being heard and do have impact. I'm not selfish in that sense. Tomorrow comes quickly and then another and another but I can only take a few more of them. I'm in pain both physical and mental. My soul or spirit or being or whatever it is inside is already starting to become cold and fade. I walk through the days a hollow empty shell of a man.

    All I can say to anyone anymore is "What ever, I really don't care". I'm a friend to my children now not a parent. I give them everything they ask for to create a few good last memories. You can buy love even if the world tells you that you can't.

    The person I need the most has left my side. The person I want the most to help me keeps turning away. The people who offered help all walked away.

    I finally got the hint.
  8. ASolitaryBlue

    ASolitaryBlue Well-Known Member

    I don't know you. I can't know exactly what you're going through, and I won't pretend to.

    I'm not going to tell you to do it for your kids, to do it for your wife, to do it for your friends. Living for other people will never be a permanent solution. It works as long as you feel those people need you and benefit from your presence, and, as you've said, you feel you can only hurt them. I'm not going to agree with you, and I also won't try to tell you you're wrong. BUT, I will offer this. You can't know for a fact that you won't ever have a positive influence on anyone in the future. Maybe, maybe, if you stick around a little longer, you will find someone, some place, that is willing to help, that gives a damn about you. Maybe you meet someone else and encourage them or just speak with them, and, not knowing it, you have made them a better person, have convinced them to live, to do whatever it is they need to do. Ok, so maybe you don't believe you will ever affect someone like that. Fine. That's still not enough to live for anyway. Try living for yourself. You have tried to get help. Try again. Don't stop trying. The day you stop trying is the day you give into your thoughts and we all know where that leads you. Live FOR YOU. Look out for you and your LIFE. Help yourself, and dying isn't helping, it's ending.

    Someone told me once, that success is measured not by how much we accomplish, or by how many friends we have, or by our job or how much money we make. Success is measured by how high you can bounce when you've hit the bottom. It sounds like, from what you've said, that you've hit that bottom. No one blames you for feeling what you do, a lot of us have felt that way too, myself included. But what will you do now that you are there? By choosing death you aren't even giving yourself that chance to bounce. If you don't give yourself that chance, how can you ever know how high you can bounce back? How good your life could get if you let it continue? Give yourself that chance. Do it FOR YOU.
  9. reptor

    reptor Well-Known Member

    Very wise words. I appreciate the view point. I recently did try the living for me idea. It bit me in the ass and I regret it greatly. I took a vacation and felt so guilty about it I just got deeper down into the pit than I was before I went. It was supposed to help and it only hurt me more.

    I've stopped trying to help others as that always and I mean always workd out to put them in a worse situation.

    I don't know how to live for myself anymore because that is how i got addicted to pain killers. That's how I lost my job. That's how i hurt the people I cared the most about. I only lived for me.

    i understand the do it for me concept well enough. It's how I quit smoking several years ago. odd comparison but it works. i couldn't quit for friends or family. i tried and failed. I finally was ready to do it for me and I did.

    I've been diagnosed a manic depressive/bi-polar my whole life. My chemicals are all screwed up. I've tried more meds and drug cocktails than I care to count. Nothing helps for more than a couple of weeks. I'm sick of the rollercoaster. Tired of all the highs and lows. Tired of dragging down the people around me.

    You speak words of wisdom and speak with intelligence and I appreciate that. My road has stopped forking unfortunately and it seems there is only one path left.
  10. ASolitaryBlue

    ASolitaryBlue Well-Known Member

    The road will always, always have 2 paths. One may be blocked, run down, and nearly impassible, but it is still there. It might even be hidden so yo have to work to find it. You may have to fight harder to walk down it, to even get on it. I can't tell you what that road is, only that it exists. You have to uncover and discover it. But the rewards will surely outweigh the struggle in the end. In the end. You can't assume you know what awaits you at the end of that road, because you don't, I don't, no one knows. Just because the other path is looks nice, clean, and easier doesn't mean it is better.
  11. reptor

    reptor Well-Known Member

    Believe me. This is the harder path. It was hidden and obscured. The easy route was to keep faking my way through life every day. I'm not saying my decision makes me happy or even feels like the right choice. It's the only choice I have at this point. I've run out of options and run out of help. Desolation is a scary thing. i'm at peace and for once I am calm and almost serene. It a strange feeling but somehow it seems like this is what I am supposed to do.
  12. ASolitaryBlue

    ASolitaryBlue Well-Known Member

    If you like this feeling of peace, this calm and serene feeling you have found, wouldn't you want to keep feeling like that? If you could keep on living with this feeling that isn't tearing you apart like all the others, could you live then? Dying will not only end this feeling, it will end any chance you have at finding it and keeping it. There will be nothing. No feeling sure, but isn't a good feeling better than no feeling and nothingness?
  13. reptor

    reptor Well-Known Member

    The peace is coming from knowing the end is almost here. If i thought I had to go on I wouldn't be at peace. It's like a terminal patient who knows it's almost time and has said their good bye's and made all their preparations.
  14. reptor

    reptor Well-Known Member

    Woke up expecting to have that same peaceful feeling and I am right back to manic. Have some time swith my youngest today. All I feel is cold and numb though. I worry about him and care for his well being, but, I feel more like a babysitter than a father.

    He is young enough that i will not be missed for long. Or even remembered for that matter.

    Thanks for all the words and ideas from the people here so far.

    I though more about the do it for myself ideal. Again that is why I am where I am today. no body in my immediate family seems to care when i tell them how I feel and what i plan to do. They all seem to be ok with me "going away". I tried another hot line last night and the person just tried the usual guilt trip of "what about the people around you who will hurt and suffer". If they will really be so bad off why won't they try and help me now?
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